Cas, Punkin and Snodderly, thank you for all your kind words, support and understanding and very wise advice. It continues to see me through. I am blessed and honored to have been led to a group of such extraordinary people.
Snodderly, the one major hit H was trying to use against me to our daughter was something I had already talked to her about not too long ago. I used it as a lesson about a mistake I had made as a young woman. A pitfall that by telling her about I hoped she could and would avoid. I guess it was a shock to her father when she said that Mom had already told her about it.
The other things were rehashes of his justifications for leaving. They have become more exaggerated each time he repeats them.
As he was shouting these things to her in the middle of the Mall she said that people stopped and stared at them. I don't know if they feared he would become violent or if they were just there for the drama. D18's friend who H had excused heard the entire exchange.
I ended my letter to him saying that anything further he had to say could be said through his L and I would do the same.
I will take your wise advice and to let it go. You're right, it is non productive at this time. H doesn't hear or feel anything unless it is directly related to him. I know none of these things would have been said by him if I had just accepted the divorce on his terms.
I know none of these things would have been said by him if I had just accepted the divorce on his terms.
I am less sure about this . . . . I think like all bullies they will get as much as they think they can. If you had not asked for more he would likely then have tried to cut what was already offered. I think you are very wise to only deal through lawyers, - if they know tht what they write is being read by a third party they quickly become less abusive
Beatrice, Some become less abusive....others continue doing just what they've been doing and totally ignore the written word of his/her lawyer. They look at the lawyers as authority figures and while they are acting like children, they will try the patience of the lawyers as well. They like to push the envelope more often than not.
My xh was one of those envelope pushers and I had to stand firm w/him throughout the years until the divorce was final. Now, the loon continues to ask for things that were not identified in the decree and I continue to refer him back to the written word each and every time.....he got all he was getting from me...
SA, they come bullies and victims during this time and want everything that they feel they are entitled to. You are not asking for anything more than what you deserve or need. Stand firm and do not waffle. If he senses a weakness, that is where he will continue to strike until he can wear you down. Stay strong, you aren't the one that created this mess....he did.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Such an ugly thing to experience. I think the more backed against the wall they feel the bigger the lash. He was up against the wall when ow couldn't join him to rescue your D.
When I caught my H at ow's apartment he lashed out by blurting out in front of ow some very personal things I had shared with him. He wanted to hurt me and make me look as foolish as him for getting caught with her (again). Later he apologized, one of the few I have ever got from him.
There is no rule here that says you cannot state your feelings and get angry, especially when it's backed up with facts.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Thank you for your perspective. I have read and reread your posts. I think they are spot on and seems to be just what happened in H's case with attaching to the ow.
Yes, I agree that H feels rejected because the kids reject meeting the ow. The youngest still may and I will honor her decision to do so. It will have to be her decision and not forced on her if she doesn't want to or be punished for it.
SA - I agree with Snodderly btw that some may continue to be abusive even when lawyers are involved, but I think for others, particularly those with concern for their self image, it can [not necessarily will] act as a brake.
What is helpful though is that another person is seeing all of this stuff. You are no longer dealing with it alone. For me this period [ apart from immediately post bomb] was probably the worst part. Once the divorce is over everything seems to calm down. . . ..
I never thought I would feel better when it was all over, but I do.
As for your daughter - well it is up to her. My children all refused to have anything to do with OW. I have no idea the extent to which she still figures in my h's life. He periodically claims it is over, but I have no contact with him post divorce, and am not sure I want to see him again.
Well another bit of a strange occurrence I'd like to journal.
H picks up D12 at a friends house this morning at about 10:30. He takes her to a local Wal Mart. She gets a couple cheapie movies she's been wanting and then they go over to the microwave section. H is looking at the microwave and muttering to himself about having to buy one and spend the money.
They make their purchases and as they're walking through the parking lot H's phone indicates he's getting a text message. D12 said she could see that it was ow that had texted him. He flips open his phone, reads it and emits a huge sigh. D said he snapped the phone shut and put it away. Now granted, it may have not been a message that needed an answer but is that a nice way to react when you get a text from the "love of your life?"
A very wise friend (thanks CW) gave me a light bulb moment. She said, "No, that is not the way you react to someone you're in love with. It's the way a teenager acts when they get an order from their parent." I think she may have something there. I've long expected that the ow has control of every penny spent in their house.
I believe ow will not be happy when I receive my half of the divorce settlement. She will probably be only half as attracted to H then. LOL
SA - I don't blame you for sending the letter, I have stopped walking on egg-shells as well and just say what I think. Sometimes we just need to unload too, it's only human, not that it's going to do much good to tell them what we think, because they don't hear us and they take everything personally....they think that the whole world is against them and they are the victim.
As you said on my tread....no matter how hard it is to be a LBS, I'm glad that I'm not going through the internal turmoil our MLC's are going through.
(((hugs)))
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
SA, it is my grown up kids contiual rfrain 'Dad is such a victim in all of this'
I think I had a thread a while back which stated the blindingly obvious truth - 'they don't get it until they get it' In my h's case, he has flashes of insight into how awful he has been but cannot face it, and rushes back into the tunnel. I have a world class spewer [not trying to be competitive here!] who appears to forget most of what he has said, but remembers in great detail any minor criticism that anyone else utters . . . .
I think they HAVE to be the victim, partly because in the past they actually were the victim, and are acting this out, and also, if you notice the rhetoric of any agression it is always to blame the other person. Abusers always say 'You made me do it, you provoked me' Never, I sholdn't have done that. To admit abuse is a huge step forward in the recovery process. And for me, a lot of MLC is plain abuse of their family, usually emotional, but at least as damaging as if they beat us up.
