I don't think the marriage that I'm in will ever be a healthy one. After my last post here, I ended up in a nut house for several days because I was having suicidal thoughts. H didn't call or visit. I went back home determined to get my life together without him. I know I would have been okay. A few days later, he called me and sucked me back in. I don't know why I let it happen.
He seemed committed. Again. Moreso this time. I wanted to take things slow, and he respected that. I was embarrassed to tell my friends we were going to try again. Not everyone knows we split a second time. Not everyone knows we got back together a second time.
Anyway. The trust issues were still there but to a lesser extent. I asked him a couple times why I should feel like I can trust him now after he’s lied to me so much over the last 10 years. I did think he was working on building my trust back.
We had a fight because he had decided he was going to trade his prescription painkillers for pot. This was out of the blue for me, and something I am determined not to have to put up with in our marriage. A couple weeks before, I caught him growing plants in the house. When I confronted him, he pulled them out and threw them away. When I told him that I could not deal with this trade, he said he wouldn’t do it.
I found out he was lying to me. He was still going to go see his dealer and make the trade. He’s tried to manipulate me by saying, “I didn’t realize I was lying because I kept changing my mind.” I know it’s all bullshit.
I’ve realized, FINALLY, that he is a compulsive liar and an addict. I can not be happy married to this man. He does not think any of this was a problem EXCEPT for the lying. I told him the only possibility of saving this marriage, which he is not adamant that he wants, is counseling. We had been seeing a counselor who specializes in addictions but stopped because his work schedule conflicted with the counselor’s availability. I told him he had to take the initiative and schedule an appointment – with our counselor or with a new one. A week went by and he didn’t do it. I told him I was done, he’s shown me he doesn’t care. He can’t even be bothered to make an appointment. Finally, after all my tears and reaming him for this, he made a call and left a message to make an appointment.
Thing is, with his LACK of action, I know he doesn’t take me seriously. With my past history, I know it will be SO hard for me to stick to my guns. The only chance I see is if the counseling will get him to see that he is an addict. If he cannot see that and/or will not work on it, I do not want to stay. But I’m terrified that I will. How do I stick to my guns?
