GG, SA! You're poor D! But good for her to stand up to him, even if he did try to beat her down for it. That kind of gumption will serve her well. I wonder where she learned that?
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
SA - I'm so sorry for your D. Your H is a giant insensitive turd...sorry but that just got me mad. I guess in MLC they just lose all compassion for others...their selfishness has no limits. Well he can't make your D meet OW, your D is old enough to decide if she wants OW in her life and your H should respect that...just part of the consequences, so is you hiring a lawyer...
You are doing well, you see right through him...keep strong.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Another recorded MLC tantrum. So typical.....being so self righteous and letting others know how they have wronged, conveniently forgetting their own mistakes. His comment insisted a respect for his choices but H has forgotten that respect is earned.
More power to D for standing her ground and making it clear that ow was his choice and wouldn't be part of her life.
SA It is horrible when this happens to our kids - and clear proof that there is something very very wrong with our spouses. My h did this for years. My children sent me some of the emails he sent them because they couldn't deal with it alone . . . . There is huge anger coming from within, and terror that they have done something unacceptable [they have].
Another frightening aspect is that it is very possible that your h will have no memory of the spew . . . . I asked my h about one of his email spews to his middle son, in relation to something we were discussing [he had a moment of clarity a while back] and he had absolutely no memory of it at all.
It is so very hard for these children who have done nothing wrong, and are treated so horribly, so unfairly, by the person they grew up loving and trusting.
You see, our h's haven't gone through any kind of detachment process - they threw us off and attached themselves firmly to OW. She is now a part of them, I believe, in their muddled mind, so by rejecting OW your d was rejecting him. It isn't a normal relationship, it is one of deep neediness. I do not say this to excuse, rather to try and explain his anger . . at least that is how I have come to understand it. That is also why separating from OW and truly getting over that r is an essential part of their 'recovery' process. Otherwise, if they return FROM OW we risk becoming the person they 'need' and the chance of an adult relationship may be forfeited.
Thank you all for your support. You are very strong admirable women, and I can no longer consider myself in the same class.
I sent that letter that was in my draft folder. With a few added truth darts.
Yesterday, was the last straw and I had my say. H hit way below the belt in some of the things he said about me to our daughter. The things he said had no relevancy to our sitch. What he told her were things designed to make me look bad to her. They were things that took place even before I met him. I hit him below the belt a couple times in the letter too. At least I said it to him and not to her, but I'm no better.
You weren't weak, Seeking. You showed you are human. It's tough to keep accepting all the cr*p that is constantly passed your way. Be kind to yourself because one response is hardly an indication of personal weakness. On the contrary, you have shown incredible strength and dignity throughout this whole ordeal.
No regrets, Seeking. Felt good, didn't it? I did it myself a few times. The only problem, and the one everyone here was hoping to save you from, is that you probably won't feel so good about it after a few days time. Not that anything you said was wrong, just that you are SANE, and it is not your nature to hurt, regardless. He, on the other hand, will just look at it as a spew from his crazy W. Use it to pat himself on the back and prove to himself how right he was.
This is not a 2 x 4, Seeking, just experience talking. I believe I have been a bit quicker on the anger draw than you ever have with your spouse. I always did much better in the DARK
Now, about your D. I'm so very sorry she became caught up in that, but it was perhaps inevitable. Of our three D's only one still has contact with him, and that is minimal. She has seen the OW only because they came into the restaurant where she waitresses, ask for her table, and she had to wait on them. Said it was hard not to drop a platter of hot food on her.
Okay. You got that out of your system, and he certainly had it coming. Take a deep breath, and move on from this point.
And you are right, Seeking, you are not in the same class as most of us - You are a class above. ((HUGS))
Seeking, During this journey there are times when we have to say what is on our minds. Your time came after what he told your daughter. I would have done the same thing. If he's got something to say about you, he should say it to you, not your daughter.
You've said what was on your mind and now you need to step back and let it go. Will it make him realize what he's done? Probably not, but he will now know what button to push if he wants a reaction/attention. I'm very sorry he said what he did, but he's in the mode of wanting to demonize you and make himself look good in the eyes of his daughter while going through the legal procedures. He knows that he has lost you and his "security blanket"....now he's trying to back peddle and not lose his daughter too.
No 2 X 4's from me. You've handled your situation w/grace and dignity.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am with Snodderly on this one. It is normal to be angry, and sometimes we have to let them know. The fact is, during the divorce process, they can no longer 'punish' us, and their anger can then turn to anyone and anything connected with us. And, as I said, he sees your daughter not wanting to meet OW as a rejection A normal person takes their time introducing anyone new into the lives of their children, but the MLCer tends to push the OW into the faces of anyone who will meet them, as a rule.
I have occasionally lost it with my xh, and usually I haven't regretted it. While it is generally a good idea to let as much as we can go by, it isn't always weakness to be angry. I am surprised at how much my h took on board when I was really cross.
IMO there is a world of difference between telling someone directly, as you did, and doing it through an innnocent third party as your h did. Inexcusable, and damaging to him and your daughter. If we can no longer stand up for our children it is a sad world. Hugs
