It's me that's cycling!

[dolphin_05]

Thinking about the practicalities....... ow has moved out very quickly so it meant either 1. in a very short time she found a place that was available right then (and wouldn't she be trying to stay on with H given that she's taken so long to get to live with him) or 2. she had to get out very quickly. That could be because she and H had issues or perhaps there were issues with s.

I hadn't really considered options too much........logically it seems like option 2 esp when H had said he would stay here to care for D in May.He was expecting her there until then.

Curiouser and curiouser

[Sanderika]

Hi Cas,

Your H is going to be very coy about the reason OW moved out. He will not want to dissuade that situation very quickly. He certainly won't admit that the relationship with her is not what he thought it was. He now has a taste of life with her, it didn't last very long. He is not going to rush to try it again.
Try as she might, if he suggested she leave....it's just a matter of time before he stops contact. My guess is she revealed her true colors and son did the same and together they were h*ll!!!

It is very interesting to me that he is once again barking for the separation papers. The last time you tried incessantly to give them to him he was unavailable to receive.

In my past when I would comply with H's forward movement towards divorce, H would relax. H would want to hang around our home more. H would want to be with son more. H would call me and send me texts. He would position himself here in perfect time to have a meal with us.

I always felt that he didn't really want to move forward to the end of us. He would get what he "thought" he wanted and then backpaddle hard to resurrect our relationship.

When I would give in and comply by signing and filing, I would make no contact of any kind after. I would avoid and ignore. H got a raw glimpse of life w/o Sanderika.

Then H would make contact, it killed him to have no contact with me. When he would reach out his demeanor was always super nice and he would be an open book. I followed his lead and behaved similar....super nice, but never revealed as to my goings on or son's.

I wonder if you were to deliver the separation papers would you experience a similar result?

Give this some thought:

Perhaps you should (without advance notice) visit H with the paperwork, leave it with him AND up to him. Arrive and deliver with a comment like:

"Hello H, I believe this is something you want, you're all set now." then turn and leave. Do not linger.

Then wait and watch to see what he does. Go about your day to day. Be ready for contact. It will happen. Even if he follows through with the separation papers he will not want life w/o Cas.

He has made no mention of divorce. All good!!

If I were you, I would continue on to appear like I have it all together and going on. I would not let my guard down. He is going to pop in and let him. Let him see what he's walking away from, what he is missing. Let him leave thinking.....Cas is fabulous!!!!

All relationships must start out as friendships. I have struggled with this myself. I have flip-flopped between friends/no friends. I have decided that the friends route is the only way to go. It is the only chance to rekindle. It's the only way they get to see the amazing women we have grown to be.

I am going to think more about this all with you. I do not think that your relationship with your H is over. I see a very similar situation to my own. (((((Cas))))) we knew this would take time. We have learned that the journey is filled with ups and downs. We have chosen to take this ride with them. We are not done yet, neither are they. Remember, it took a long while for the marriage to break-down, it's going to take even longer for it to be repaired.

Will check back later on....(((((hugs)))))

Sanderika

[Sanderika]

(((((Cas)))))

You're all fine with me, this is hard stuff to post about.

We need thinking time

I seriously think he asked her to leave.

Your #1 idea above, not it: To me she would stop looking once she was living with H, her motives to look would be nonexistent. Her ultimate goal once they started to date was to live with him.

I think your #2 idea is spot on: I seriously believe that she went reluctantly. After all, she thought that once she got inside she was there to stay. She got a rude awakening, H was/is not interested in more drama and control.

Don't be surprised if it takes a really long time for the reason to come out.

Sanderika

[dolphin_05]

Hi Sanderika, Thanks for your post...lots more food for thought....

Your H is going to be very coy about the reason OW moved out....... He is not going to rush to try it again.

I agree. I nearly asked him last night but decided against. At one point we were talking about education and our children have only been to fee paying schools and he made comment about the charges at state schools. I suggested he could check the difference with ow. There was a pause and then the subject changed. [/quote]

Try as she might, if he suggested she leave....it's just a matter of time before he stops contact. My guess is she revealed her true colors and son did the same and together they were h*ll!!!

This bit I'm not sure about. I suspect she pursues and he accepts when it suits him and i think this will continue. He's a cake eater remember!! H is very particular about his house and the tidiness etc. Reality is that she is probably not. H had intentions of her staying until at least May to help with the rent so something went haywire.

It is very interesting to me that he is once again barking for the separation papers. The last time you tried incessantly to give them to him he was unavailable to receive.

I challenged him on this. He said he was over it all by then.....just an excuse, he'd only asked for them the day before. He is consistent in blaming me for the delays and we all know he took no affirmative action himself and was here every Tuesday for dinner and didn't take the papers.

Perhaps you should (without advance notice) visit H with the paperwork, leave it with him AND up to him. .

I want the settlement done. I won't really trust H's actions are sincere until this is over. I want the ability to be totally independent. this time I will be insisting it is finished with. This is something we both want. I just need to consider what I do after that. I get the divorce organised as well and then forget all about him or I leave the door open.

Last night he talked about us going together to D's formal as we did for S's. It did make me think that he presumes I will want to do that with him; the unified front. He presumes I will not have another partner. He presumes I will always be available to him.

Even if he follows through with the separation papers he will not want life w/o Cas.

I am not so sure about this. The thing I do know is that if I make no contact neither does he. He only seems to respond to my invitation and doesn't initiate. I can only imagine that he is still filled with guilt and in his mind he says, "Why would she want to be with me?" I told him I was not going to be the one who always initiated. It's up to him as well. I really couldn't be bothered in a one sided relationship. I told him I deserve more.

.He has made no mention of divorce. All good!!

I don't care if we get divorced. This marriage is dead!

If I were you, I would continue on to appear like I have it all together and going on. I would not let my guard down.

This time it's true. Things are going pretty well in all other areas of my life.

All relationships must start out as friendships. I have struggled with this myself. I have flip-flopped between friends/no friends. I have decided that the friends route is the only way to go. It is the only chance to rekindle. It's the only way they get to see the amazing women we have grown to be.

Yes, I totally relate. I am currently flip-flopping and I told H that. I am tired of his on again, off again attitude.

I do not think that your relationship with your H is over. I see a very similar situation to my own. (((((Cas))))) we knew this would take time. We have learned that the journey is filled with ups and downs. We have chosen to take this ride with them. We are not done yet, neither are they. Remember, it took a long while for the marriage to break-down, it's going to take even longer for it to be repaired.

Time will tell on this. I am not as dedicated as you. The door is open but just a little. I am not going to chase. It will get worse because of the settlement. we won't agree and there will be the first argument and then he'll retreat again. We won't make any fwd progress until that is signed off.

Thanks for sharing so honestly with me Sanderika. I truly appreciate your wisdom. Hugs,

Cas

[dolphin_05]

Oh, one more thing Sanderika. I am in contact with MIL, just not on the topic of H, as per her request.

[dolphin_05]

H visited his family on the weekend and S visited them as well. S says that H doesn't quite fit in as well there anymore, particularly with the extended family. He says that H's sister did not come to the family lunch but called in afterwards with her family. S says she greeted H but avoided him for the rest of the time they were visiting. How interesting that SIL continues to ignore H and that MIL 'allows' this but had to challenge me and say she thought I was too harsh on H.

[Sanderika]

Hi Cas,

I imagine that when our H's visit with the family and we are not there it is very awkward. Society still frowns on infidelity and they (the family) loathe what our H's have done and feel sorry for us being hurt and left, time may not heal all their wounds. Especially in situations like ours where we were members of the family for years.

In my case H does not see his family except for 1 brother and 1 nephew. The rest do not approve and avoid him. The 1 brother and nephew who contact have also made friends with the OW. The rest want nothing to do with her and have told me so, thus they still get together but do not include H. My son only sees H's father and it's because I have made it possible for son to see grandfather every two weeks.

I only have contact with FIL and the subject of H regardless of topic is avoided.

It is very interesting that after all this time his Sis is still treating him with a grudge. She obviously still wants him to know she does not approve of his choices. I wonder if H is fluffing off this thing with his sister or does she leave an impact on him to ponder. I guess it depends on their relationship prior to your situation.

Do you have contact with this sister of H's?

To me, MIL is obviously in protection mode for her son. While she does not approve of his actions and choices, she still loves him and is going to stand by him regardless of the crime. That leaves everyone else out. She will challenge any other's ideas in protection of H....she has Mama Bear Syndrome.

I am glad you two can still talk about other things, just not H really. Maybe over time this subject will relax.

Maybe some more information about H will flow your way this upcoming week.

Have a good one regardless, Cas. I will pop in for any updates.

Sanderika

[dolphin_05]

D has just called out to me to say, "Dad just sent me a text to see if I want to stay over at his place Sat night and he wants to know if you would like to go over there for dinner for your birthday."

[dolphin_05]

I mean on sat night with D, not another occasion.

[dolphin_05]

Hi Sanderika,
I'm nor sure that H's family have any real concerns about me missing. You're right, MIL def doesn't approve of H's actions but now she just wants it all to go away. I know she wishes it didn't happen.

SIL is very strong and she will expect H to apologise.....ha ha, good luck!! We all know that's NEVER going to happen. BILs are the type that put their heads in the sand so they'll just move on. Not very emotional types.

SIL and I get along well but we have limited contact given she lives 2 states away and her children are much younger than mine. That said if I'm there I always visit her and we enjoy the catch up.

And there's no further H feedback Sanderika although I guess the invite confirms D had it right and ow is definitely out of the house.

Hugs,

Cas