Second alert bulletin came in today so I wanted to put in two separate post.
I get a text from her
W "Whatcha doing?"
M "Oh a little of this and a little of that U?
W "LOL tried calling u didn't answer"
W "going to pay bills and what’s left over will decide what I do today...LOL"
M "yeah I saw that, i was teaching a class I am a guess speaker at the OCS class. I know that feeling about the bills"
W "Oh good for you...on the class I mean. Ok well too bad for u..U didn't get to talk to me...lol I understood what u meant about the bills. Well have a good weekend and i'll catch ya later"
M "LOL same to u"
Three hours later I get this text
W "Can u talk"
W "can u call me when u get a chance please"
About ten minutes later I call
M "he wats up"
W "are you busy?"
M "nah what's going on"
W "this cable company we had in Jersey is charging me for a bill we closed a long time ago. I need some kind of confirmation number to get the bill wiped out. It's X amount of dollars. I can't pay it till next month. I hate this company. Do you think you can find that letter of cancelation?"
M "yeah I will look for it. That was awhile ago though. I can call the new company and ask when they cancelled service."
We talked about logistics of finding the bill for a few minutes
M "you know if we can't find the bill or confirmation W I can pay off the bill"
W "that is not why I called you. I don't want that H"
M "I realize that is not why you called me and I would never think you would call me about something like that. I am offering with no strings attached. I really don't mind if it helps you out"
W "that is not why I called you have bills to pay also"
M "yeah but car is paid off I will be ok. Of course we will try to go the other route but if not I can pay the bill I know you have a lot going on right now."
W "I just don't feel right"
M "well consider it a loan then with no interest. You can pay me back if you wish. You dont need to but if you want to you can. I don't mind either way"
W "I appreciate that H. Thank you. I just don't get paid again till the 11th"
M "its no problem"
W "Ok. I bought a new CD. Remember that song Lover Lover I sent you"
M "how could I forget? I listened to it when you sent it and felt like crap"
W "well I bought his CD. There is song on there I love. Would you like to hear it?"
M "Sure"
Now she puts the song on and her phone on speaker next to the radio. Here is the link to their song
M "one of these days I will share a song with you but not yet"
W "LOL ok"
W "yeah I decided to splurgh on me for a change"
M "you were always bad about buying for you. Always wanted to do for others. I guess that is why maybe I wanted to give you things. Not really because I thought material things where good just because I liked to spoil you also.
W "You weren't all bad H. I mean you were helpful around the house you cooked, if I got flustered because the house was messy you would not care about that and you would help. And yes you were really good about spoiling me with things"
M "Glad to hear I was not a total failure."
W "oh no. you had your good points for sure. I just wish you had them where it mattered to me. Even as I read the email you sent how I told you how I felt your response was all about how you felt. You never acknowledge my feelings in that email"
M "I know I read it. I see things differently now. If was to read that email today I would react totally different."
W "I made plenty of mistakes also. I just wanted you to acknowledge me and made me feel like I mattered "
I this point she began to tear up. I thought great. My convo is going south now for sure
W "I wanted you to comfort me. I am simple H very simple. I don't need clothe or trips just comfort"
M "I know. I understand that so much better. Jody has helped me a great deal but also my own hard work has helped"
W "what has Jody said?"
M "she has you down pretty good, and me. She has met 1000 W and a 1000 H just like us."
We talked about her upbringing a little
W "Talking to you sometimes I have my dips in emotions and I get sad they are not as bad as they use to be it is less severe but I still have them. I told F the other day if you ever want to learn about your M leave your H. You will get an education. I have learned a lot. I believe you have made changes. Then I remember the hurt and I can never allow myself to fall back into that. With anybody. I can never feel like that."
M "oh I agree with you. Neither one of us can ever do or feel that way again. I can't allow myself to become that again"
W "We just have to move forward I guess. i don't know how we got here. We were happy when we had nothing. Just each other. We were happy in Lodi, Bayonne, OK but it all changed when D and mom moved in.. We broke every M rule. I just have to learn from this so I don't ever make this mistake again."
M "I agree. M is a lot of hard work. I am a glass half full kind of guy though you know that"
W "yeah I know and I am a half empty or so you say"
M "no I don't think that"
W "its like this. The heaviest I have ever been is 135 in my life and you harp at me to go to the gym all the time. I became self conscious of myself I am not saying i am the best looking woman in the world but I am pretty. I didn't feel pretty"
M "You were perfect for me but I can see how you would feel that way. I just wanted a work out partner cause I did not like going to to the gym by myself. I enjoyed the company plus I thought you like it. I thought I was motivating you the same as you motivating me"
W "I know you did"
W "You just did not give me what I needed. I can never fall into that again. I can never allow anyone to treat me that way again"
We talked a little more but my fingers are cramping. I think most of the major stuff I hit.
She sounded pretty sure that she needs to move on in a different direction from the sound of her voice and some of her words. I wish I remembered everything. She just did not appear to be turning any corners not any corners I recognized. It’s more a mourning of the M than anything else
IDK for sure about that 2 step. What do you expect her to say? That lets get back together and work on our marriage? It seems to me that she is kind of throwing it out there and waiting for a reaction. Maybe she wants to see if you bit on this but to me it sounds like she is offering tidbits of hope to you. Whether this is on purpose or not, she may not even know.
I think that the important thing is that she is acknowledging things and doesnt see you as the person that blew up the marriage.
I may be misreading this as well.
It doesnt sound all bad to me 2 step
9BITS
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
ummm dude, this all sounds pretty dang positive to me. She is unsure what to do BUT is also giving you a roadmap of what to do. She is saying exactly how she felt and what she wants.
That's what we LBS all want to hear. What can I do to make this work?! She is spelling it out for you, dude.
I think you are going down the right path for sure.
Here's your next step. BE THAT MAN! Be the guy she wants you to be. I KNOW you are, dude. I KNOW you can be that guy and ARE being that guy.
She needs affirmation that you love her no matter what she looks like, no matter what she does, no matter how she acts. My W is the same. She just wants to feel that she matters. Because you and her have that history, it is UBER important to her that she matters to YOU.
Show her that dude. You are in the right place. Honestly, when I was reading that, I was sure she was going to ask how you felt about the sitch and what you thought. It sure seemed like she was feeling that.
Keep going, buddy!
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
Wow 2step, the convo in the second update sounds very similar to one I've had with my W. I've been trying to keep up with your threads/sitch as there is always great advice. Keep up the good fight. You are doing well.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
BLUF: If you reconcile, it CANNOT be the old M. Either way, D or R, you have to mourn the loss of the old M.
It's a process.
It doesn't necessarily mean she's made a decision one way or the other. And even if she has, it doesn't mean she can't change her mind in a week or a month.
It's a process.
She's talking to you! She's having deep emotional conversations with you! She's letting you in her head!
Those are all FANTASTIC things!
She's not THERE yet. She it not ready to give it another try, to believe that things can be different. But she has her doubts. She is remembering the good times.
She acknowledged she had some fault in what happened! She acknowledged that you were not always a bad H!!!!
THOSE ARE HUGE!!!! Not only does she have those doubts, those second thoughts, SHE ADMITTED THEM TO YOU OUT LOUD. That is a huge positive!
Keep building on this! You are making great progress!!!
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
BLUF: If you reconcile, it CANNOT be the old M. Either way, D or R, you have to mourn the loss of the old M.
It's a process.
It doesn't necessarily mean she's made a decision one way or the other. And even if she has, it doesn't mean she can't change her mind in a week or a month.
It's a process.
She's talking to you! She's having deep emotional conversations with you! She's letting you in her head!
Those are all FANTASTIC things!
She's not THERE yet. She it not ready to give it another try, to believe that things can be different. But she has her doubts. She is remembering the good times.
She acknowledged she had some fault in what happened! She acknowledged that you were not always a bad H!!!!
THOSE ARE HUGE!!!! Not only does she have those doubts, those second thoughts, SHE ADMITTED THEM TO YOU OUT LOUD. That is a huge positive!
Keep building on this! You are making great progress!!!
This speaks volumes Michelle. Great insight as always.
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
This is a good statement on so many levels. In my case I sometimes battle anger. Why do I want to take her back after all this. That is my poison. However I always remember to look at myself in the mirror. This changes everything. When I can accept responsebility for my part I can forgive and understand her decision.
Quote:
Love is not a feeling it is a decision. You need to decide
Shaves: I have decided.
Quote:
If it is a decision, then what are the options?
BustinMode: You always have options. Move on or stand. They both hurt but one hurts more than the other. Guess which one.
Quote:
Loving unconditionally, is a wonderful gift that you can give to yourself and others.
It is important, to learn, and really understand, your own definition of love, before you can know if you love unconditionally or not.
It doesn't mean holding onto someone forever. Letting go, doesn't mean that you DO NOT love someone.
I have come on here, for years now, and read people. I have read words to the effect that people are waiting for the love to end, waiting for it to stop, so that they can move forward with their life. It always saddens me a bit.
Love doesn't end. It may change. It may get quiet and put in a little space all it's own in your heart and mind, but it doesn't end.
It can be replaced, with anger, hurt, and eventually hatred and bitterness, but it doesn't just go away.
Ask yourself...
When a pet or person you loved dies, does your love die?
Or do you have smiles when you think of them? Happy memories? Little good feelings in your being?
That is love. It is still there.
It is no different in these situations.
The choice we make, the choice we are faced with, is do we allow ourselves to still feel that, or do we get ourselves so worked up, so filled with the negative crap, that we let it turn into bitterness?
I know which choice I made.
To love.
It doesn't hurt me to do so.
It allows me, to accept people for who they are, faults and all...
How do you define love?
Sorry for getting all fluffy bunny...
Cat: As always thank you for coming back. You bring up a very good point about loving someone. When you reach that point that you have chosen to love uncondionally I think it is when you start to free yourself. Free yourself of expectations and free yourself of being hurt. I love my W now and forever and I can't shut that off. Time heals the pain and fades the anger but real love withstands everything.
Quote:
IDK for sure about that 2 step. What do you expect her to say? That lets get back together and work on our marriage? It seems to me that she is kind of throwing it out there and waiting for a reaction. Maybe she wants to see if you bit on this but to me it sounds like she is offering tidbits of hope to you. Whether this is on purpose or not, she may not even know.
Man 9 you are right on the money. I tell you, our expectations are our worse enemy. If we can control that we would all be in a much better place.
Quote:
Here's your next step. BE THAT MAN! Be the guy she wants you to be. I KNOW you are, dude. I KNOW you can be that guy and ARE being that guy.
She needs affirmation that you love her no matter what she looks like, no matter what she does, no matter how she acts. My W is the same. She just wants to feel that she matters. Because you and her have that history, it is UBER important to her that she matters to YOU.
Bolt: You always lift my spirits. I almost feel bad for the 2x4 I posted on your thread but I did it out of love. You know that. I learn from you all the time I sometimes I feel like she is giving me bread crumbs to follow. I just have to stop looking for the loaf and start enjoying the crumbs more. It is better than leaving me coal!
Quote:
I've been trying to keep up with your threads/sitch as there is always great advice. Keep up the good fight.
Left at the bay: Welcome my buddy it is always nice to see who is lurking and reading. I hope that my sitch has offered you some insight and helps you along the way. It will show you my mistakes and my small victories. If I can help just one person I am a happy man.
Bolt: You always lift my spirits. I almost feel bad for the 2x4 I posted on your thread but I did it out of love. You know that. I learn from you all the time I sometimes I feel like she is giving me bread crumbs to follow. I just have to stop looking for the loaf and start enjoying the crumbs more. It is better than leaving me coal!
Don't even sweat it man. That's what we are all here for. We're at different parts of each sitch and sometimes we can see it much more clearer than the one IN their particular sitch.
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
IDK for sure about that 2 step. What do you expect her to say? That lets get back together and work on our marriage? It seems to me that she is kind of throwing it out there and waiting for a reaction. Maybe she wants to see if you bit on this but to me it sounds like she is offering tidbits of hope to you. Whether this is on purpose or not, she may not even know.
Man 9 you are right on the money. I tell you, our expectations are our worse enemy. If we can control that we would all be in a much better place.
Quote:
Here's your next step. BE THAT MAN! Be the guy she wants you to be. I KNOW you are, dude. I KNOW you can be that guy and ARE being that guy.
She needs affirmation that you love her no matter what she looks like, no matter what she does, no matter how she acts. My W is the same. She just wants to feel that she matters. Because you and her have that history, it is UBER important to her that she matters to YOU.
Bolt: You always lift my spirits. I almost feel bad for the 2x4 I posted on your thread but I did it out of love. You know that. I learn from you all the time I sometimes I feel like she is giving me bread crumbs to follow. I just have to stop looking for the loaf and start enjoying the crumbs more. It is better than leaving me coal!
You can control your expectations. By noticing when you have them, and then working to overcome them. You are still struggling with your expectation that somehow everything will just go to reconciliation and bliss, but you are at least aware of it. It's important that you aren't too eager right now. You have built a solid foundation of friendship and are trying to navigate to romance. Don't push too fast. Be patient. Time is on your side.
Actions are much more important than words right now. On both sides.
Enjoy the bread crumbs. There might be a gingerbread cottage at the end for you.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
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