Second alert bulletin came in today so I wanted to put in two separate post.
I get a text from her
W "Whatcha doing?"
M "Oh a little of this and a little of that U?
W "LOL tried calling u didn't answer"
W "going to pay bills and what’s left over will decide what I do today...LOL"
M "yeah I saw that, i was teaching a class I am a guess speaker at the OCS class. I know that feeling about the bills"
W "Oh good for you...on the class I mean. Ok well too bad for u..U didn't get to talk to me...lol I understood what u meant about the bills. Well have a good weekend and i'll catch ya later"
M "LOL same to u"
Three hours later I get this text
W "Can u talk"
W "can u call me when u get a chance please"
About ten minutes later I call
M "he wats up"
W "are you busy?"
M "nah what's going on"
W "this cable company we had in Jersey is charging me for a bill we closed a long time ago. I need some kind of confirmation number to get the bill wiped out. It's X amount of dollars. I can't pay it till next month. I hate this company. Do you think you can find that letter of cancelation?"
M "yeah I will look for it. That was awhile ago though. I can call the new company and ask when they cancelled service."
We talked about logistics of finding the bill for a few minutes
M "you know if we can't find the bill or confirmation W I can pay off the bill"
W "that is not why I called you. I don't want that H"
M "I realize that is not why you called me and I would never think you would call me about something like that. I am offering with no strings attached. I really don't mind if it helps you out"
W "that is not why I called you have bills to pay also"
M "yeah but car is paid off I will be ok. Of course we will try to go the other route but if not I can pay the bill I know you have a lot going on right now."
W "I just don't feel right"
M "well consider it a loan then with no interest. You can pay me back if you wish. You dont need to but if you want to you can. I don't mind either way"
W "I appreciate that H. Thank you. I just don't get paid again till the 11th"
M "its no problem"
W "Ok. I bought a new CD. Remember that song Lover Lover I sent you"
M "how could I forget? I listened to it when you sent it and felt like crap"
W "well I bought his CD. There is song on there I love. Would you like to hear it?"
M "Sure"
Now she puts the song on and her phone on speaker next to the radio. Here is the link to their song
M "one of these days I will share a song with you but not yet"
W "LOL ok"
W "yeah I decided to splurgh on me for a change"
M "you were always bad about buying for you. Always wanted to do for others. I guess that is why maybe I wanted to give you things. Not really because I thought material things where good just because I liked to spoil you also.
W "You weren't all bad H. I mean you were helpful around the house you cooked, if I got flustered because the house was messy you would not care about that and you would help. And yes you were really good about spoiling me with things"
M "Glad to hear I was not a total failure."
W "oh no. you had your good points for sure. I just wish you had them where it mattered to me. Even as I read the email you sent how I told you how I felt your response was all about how you felt. You never acknowledge my feelings in that email"
M "I know I read it. I see things differently now. If was to read that email today I would react totally different."
W "I made plenty of mistakes also. I just wanted you to acknowledge me and made me feel like I mattered "
I this point she began to tear up. I thought great. My convo is going south now for sure
W "I wanted you to comfort me. I am simple H very simple. I don't need clothe or trips just comfort"
M "I know. I understand that so much better. Jody has helped me a great deal but also my own hard work has helped"
W "what has Jody said?"
M "she has you down pretty good, and me. She has met 1000 W and a 1000 H just like us."
We talked about her upbringing a little
W "Talking to you sometimes I have my dips in emotions and I get sad they are not as bad as they use to be it is less severe but I still have them. I told F the other day if you ever want to learn about your M leave your H. You will get an education. I have learned a lot. I believe you have made changes. Then I remember the hurt and I can never allow myself to fall back into that. With anybody. I can never feel like that."
M "oh I agree with you. Neither one of us can ever do or feel that way again. I can't allow myself to become that again"
W "We just have to move forward I guess. i don't know how we got here. We were happy when we had nothing. Just each other. We were happy in Lodi, Bayonne, OK but it all changed when D and mom moved in.. We broke every M rule. I just have to learn from this so I don't ever make this mistake again."
M "I agree. M is a lot of hard work. I am a glass half full kind of guy though you know that"
W "yeah I know and I am a half empty or so you say"
M "no I don't think that"
W "its like this. The heaviest I have ever been is 135 in my life and you harp at me to go to the gym all the time. I became self conscious of myself I am not saying i am the best looking woman in the world but I am pretty. I didn't feel pretty"
M "You were perfect for me but I can see how you would feel that way. I just wanted a work out partner cause I did not like going to to the gym by myself. I enjoyed the company plus I thought you like it. I thought I was motivating you the same as you motivating me"
W "I know you did"
W "You just did not give me what I needed. I can never fall into that again. I can never allow anyone to treat me that way again"
We talked a little more but my fingers are cramping. I think most of the major stuff I hit.
She sounded pretty sure that she needs to move on in a different direction from the sound of her voice and some of her words. I wish I remembered everything. She just did not appear to be turning any corners not any corners I recognized. It’s more a mourning of the M than anything else
U?