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[Denver_2010]

Update...

It has been a while since I have updated. I haven't mainly bc things have been pretty static for the past week.

My W seemed to be leaning very strongly towards reconciliation on Vday... talking about MC and having conversation with OM that would end any and all R with him... then her grandmother passed away.

My W and I spent hours together for 7 straight days after that. I was very careful not to bring up R, M, or OM during that time.

W did bring it up one night when she and I went out for drinks. She expressed reservation about reconciliation during this conversation. BOTTOM LINE... she is scared to risk her heart with me again. I understand this... and I validated her fears.

W also told me that she has seen my changes... that I do not seem like the Denver that she knows at all... she is impressed. The biggest change that she notices is with the 'energy' that I am projecting. This gives her reason to think that M may be worth taking a shot on.

But... she is in no place to make any rash decisions now with everything going on with her family... planning 2 funerals for her grandma.. 1 here and 1 in Buffalo.. and being there for her mother.

I understand this... and validate it whenever it is brought up.

She passive aggressively inited me to go to Buffalo with her and her family. I accepted and am flying out with BIL the day after the girls fly out. My W did bring up the sleeping arrangements... and I will be sleeping separately from my W...

This disappointed me... but I did not tell W so. I acted 'as if' that was perfectly fine with me... I do not want to pressure her in any way.

The trip to Buffalo is next week. I will be with W and her family for 4 days. I plan to DB my butt off during that time... so that I can show my W that she can trust me... and can take the risk on me.

The past week has been spotty for me. I struggle with being patient every single day. I have no security with the situation.... and I realize that I have placed my heart out on the table... again... for her to possibly destroy.... again.

We do have contact every day... mostly it is still W contacting me...

I was very, very disappointed on Tuesday when W told me that OM had babysat my SS. He had been suspended from school. She works, I work, MIL works, FIL was unable to baby sit him... she told me that OM had called her and offered...

OM is lingering... subtly trying to stay in the picture...

I won't lie... I hate him with a passion... I view him as a vulture with a very broken moral compass. But I do not say this to my W.

I did tell her that I was disappointed.... This was a mistake on my part. It opened R talk... again W expressed her fear of working on 'us'... on taking risk on me again.

I believe that OM is a fallback... W is afraid of being alone... I admit that I am somewhat embarrassed for W for feeling like this ... that she is afraid to be alone... but she is broken too. And I understand.

Two days after OM babysat SS... W texted me while she and SS were eating dinner out at restaurant... she asked me if I wanted to drop by and visit with them. I did... we ate ... and then took SS for ice cream...

This was an 'up' for the week... but I am still on a roller coaster...

I do not know what each day will carry with it... and it is hard.

Emotionally exhausting...

I am still in a good place... I believe that.... but I realize that my struggle is NOT over... I have not conquered the demons that brought down my M... not yet.

I am tired... I admit it...

This does not get any easier... I am sorry to say... it only becomes different.

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Denver