Let Us Be Outstanding Together.

[Busting Mode]

Thanks Jack

Unfortunately here it comes.

My wife just sent me an email saying she has had the divorce papers notarized and is sending them to me tomorrow.

I am still shocked that she is doing this knowing it will not only prevent me from coming back into the states and seeing her, it will significantly reduce the income I have been working so hard to build in order to support her, and leave me unable to enter the states at all for another 5 years.

This is incredibly frustrating because it can be easily and legally avoided, and she has been unwilling to even hear anything to do with that.


This is very troubling to me because it not only shows a lack of willingness, but also a lack of ability for us to work together and overcome our challenges. If we really can't work together, then who the heck am I kidding?

So I guess now my true test really begins.

How gracefully can I let go.
And where on earth will it lead?

Right now I'm having a pretty hard time believing that I would want to reconcile with a woman who was so willing to leave me stranded without even looking at the facts.

And I am having an equally hard time believing that this woman who I love can be some stubborn and bull-headed.

And on top of that, all these pesky thoughts, feelings and images of her finding a man who does more for her sexually than me - God that drives me totally insane.

Do guys ever really get over there wife being with another man?
Can I really take that on as just another "life lesson" that help me to improve and reconcile with my wife?

I guess if that is what it takes but honestly for the first time I am really starting to wonder if I even want to.

Anybody have any ideas for how I should proceed?

I'm thinking maybe I'll just wait a few days for the papers to arrive and then take it from there, but even once they arrive,
I'm not really sure what I should say or do.

Any opinions, advice or counsel from anyone would be greatly appreciated. I'm feeling terribly sad, angry and confused.

Thanks again.

[Truegritter]

Busting

Everyone is always right...

In their own mind.

Do guys ever really get over there wife being with another man?
Can I really take that on as just another "life lesson" that help me to improve and reconcile with my wife?

Do you want to be with a woman that would do this?

Up to you.

Can she be different?

Will she be different?

What can you do?

What do you want?

Short answer. Yes you can.

WILL you.

Free will is what God gaves us to govern our lives.

It is the most valuable thing you own.

And it is YOURS

Don't let anyone take it or compromise it for you.

What Will you do?

[Busting Mode]

True,

Thank you for your post.

Yes, I do want to be with her, even if she must first compare me to someone else.

But one thing I am having difficulty with is...actually suddenly not so insurmountable.

I mean yes it totally [censored] that I can't even have access to her like millions of other men can who are at least living in the same country with her - on the surface it seems pretty hard for me to compete with that...

But when I am truly in my power I know I can draw her to me. Wherever I may be.

And ever-so-slowly I am starting to believe that "if it was meant to be" (God how I used to hate that saying), if it is meant to be then Love will find a way.

My decision is to continue focusing on what I truly need and want. Not on what I fear.

[FaithnAK]

Do guys ever really get over there wife being with another man?
Can I really take that on as just another "life lesson" that help me to improve and reconcile with my wife?

I'm not stalking you Gritter

Yes, BM, you do. Once you find your boundaries and your way in life....Yes you CAN "get over it". See, the trick here is not doing anything to show your wife what she is missing, it's all about showing YOU what your wife will be missing. Once you figure that out, she will know what she is missing.

All the 180's and GAL'ing is for you. NO one else. Chances are it took awhile for your wife to reach the point to step out on your marriage. Chances are YOU had a lot to do with it. I'm not saying your at fault for HER bad decisions, but until you really get to the point where you FORGIVE and work on yourself, then you will not get over what she has done.

That's why all this BS hurts so much, we come here to save our marriage, but ultimately we need to save ourselves. Even if your the perfect guy and you did NOTHING to deserve this, you still have to find it in your heart to forgive her. The crappy part about all this is the TIME it takes.

See the time she needs at this point outweighs what you want. Time and change is what dictates your future. You want change, then you become the best you possible. Only after that time, will she MAYBE see what she is missing. You have to remember, if she's with someone else, she's also under the "addiction" of an affair. By separating and protecting yourself from HER bad decisions, you can focus on you and better yourself. Once you accept this, the sooner she might see that shift in you. That's why putting up with infidelity is such a battle, You have to show yourself capable of moving on, but you have to strong enough to forgive her and accept that this is her choice. If you don't show her that you are not willing to put up with the affair, she will test you til you do show her your worth more. What this means is detach and become a you that can manage with or without her.

As far as time goes, what will you do with this time?....use it as a gift to better yourself.

Remember, ultimately, what she will find attractive is you letting her go and the ability to move on without her. I'm not saying give up on her, but do something that allows you to focus on you, detach from what she thinks. Focus on you.

"Build it and they will come".

[Busting Mode]

God Faith

Thank you so much for your post. That was exactly what I needed to hear.

Right now I am feeling so grateful to be here on these boards where people truly understand.

And another thing that is becoming crystal clear is how important it is to honestly think and feel and protect myself and also to get the perspective and support of other people before having any communication with her at all from this point forward.

I just want to give a BIG reminder to myself her that from now on, puts my thoughts up here first and reflect on them BEFORE I respond or say anything to her about anything for awhile.

Right now my only plan is not say anything else to her until the papers have arrived, and meanwhile, I am going to start looking into visiting costa rica and see if I want to move there for awhile.

Want to learn to surf and dance and play guitar.

Yes. If I build it they will come. And even if they don't I'll have an amazing playing field.

These are my thoughts right now. There is the small matter of a facebook message she has left for me which I will think about later on today.

Right now it's 3:30 am and I want to get some sleep.

[Busting Mode]

Well,

I never quite made it to bed and immediately after I said I was going to stop and think before taking any kind of further action I went ahead and answered her facebook message anyway.

No worries though. I am managing very well.

Cultivating a sense of presence, relaxation, flow.

Just found this on Scylla's thread and feel it is divine:

If you break it down and are able to categorize the type of rejection it is, it becomes easier to handle.
It all hurts but

1)...it's not a big deal. It's not true and once that person knows me better they'll know I'm not that way.

2) ...it's not a big deal. It's not true, and that person is very negative and nothing I do or say will change their mind.

3)...it is true, and it is a flaw I have, but I'm working to change that the best I can, and on balance I have more strengths than weaknesses.

Ugly but divine. What's true is that for the four years we were together we did not really fit or work well together in many different ways.

What's also true is that I failed to pay more close attention, I failed to really be appreciative, and I failed to give her the specific flavors of passion and intensity I knew that she desired, and I failed to meet and fully understand her needs on many different levels.

Her rejection of me and our marriage vows shines a light on my insecurities as a man. The fact that I am so concerned about another man being able to fulfill her in ways that I cannot...

It just magnifies my feelings of inadequacy and a lack of confidence and self-respect. It masquerades a co-dependency better off revealed and set aside.

I am confident that sometime in the future she and I will want and give ourselves a chance to make love and come together again for real.

I will no longer live for that day, but I will believe it is going to happen and so will continue to prepare myself for having an awesome life together, after that day arrives.

I once told her the magic words were "Michael I'm coming."

For whatever reason, we have been having a nearly impossible time getting there together.

Only one missionary style orgasm for her in four years was totally unacceptable to us both, and yet we settled for other ways around it instead of dealing with it directly.

Now she has said "Michael I'm going."

The truth is it was a little bit of both of us and it's just healthy for me to take or put it all on myself. I am actually happy she rejected the unhappiness we had in that area, and the uncertainty it caused in many other areas as well.

I have learned a lot, and she is still the most amazing woman that I have ever been with. Where it goes from here "Only time will tell."

The very same thing she has been telling me over and over again that I have been rejecting.

[Busting Mode]

The truth is it was a little bit of both of us and it's just healthy for me to take or put it all on myself.

Ha! F off Freud! Meant to say it's just NOT healthy for me to put it all on myself!

Out! Out! Damn spot! I banish thee from my mind!

[Busting Mode]

I believe that if I can understand the problem, then maybe I can solve it.

Right now I am looking at my current situation with Beckie as a problem to be solved.

I'm not sure why, but I feel it is a mistake to look at it like that.

I also believe that if I can get her to see my side of it, then we can undoubtedly solve the problem together.

I feel that is probably a mistake, as well.

I am feeling that because I know she does not currently see it the way that I am seeing it.

Nor does she even care to.

I feel (there's that unfamiliar word again - I'm trying to get used to it) I feel that even now as I am typing, I am still trying to process this whole thing logically.

To try and make some sense of it.

While she appears to be acting primarily on intuition and emotion.

In order to simply run with it.


So how do I let her run,
how can I immediately get right out of her way,
without letting her knock me over in the process?


One thing I feel might help is if I start typing a whole lot less than I've been doing. My communications with her have become increasingly less frequent, but when we do talk I think I am still rambling on a bit too much.

Probably still coming across as if I am trying to convince her.

I feel that if pull back even more, and explain myself even less (wow. there's a 180) then eventually she will listen. After all, the ball is about to be back in my court, as she will soon be expecting me to complete my end of the paper work.


So at that point, how do I engage her in a friendly and respectful conversation where she feels safe enough to hear my potentially identity-destroying-foundation-cracking-walls-come-tumbling-down point of view?

Or maybe I should simply focus on getting her back to the DB coaching table.

Back off. Even more.
Say less.
Do more for myself.

Keep up.

[Busting Mode]

Again I am just trying to understand this, because it's not as if she is calmly sitting down and evaluating if what I am saying is true.

She is refusing to even consider if what I am saying is true. She is even denying the possibility of it being true.

I have seen this pattern before in other women I have loved.

So maybe the real question is, what does it have to do with me, and what am I going to do about it?

How do I relate to a person who is unable or unwilling to see what I am seeing, when their actions will have a direct impact on me?

How do I protect myself?

Where do I draw the line?

How do I back it up?

How do I be both invincible and compassionate?

And still LTFU?

[Busting Mode]

Yesterday WAW instant messaged me on Facebook.

I think she loved all the pictures I have of her and the kids up there that she never saw before. I never told her they were there, so I guess she must have been just looking through my facebook profile.

We chatted just a little, then...

Me: So you're gonna send me the (divorce) papers today?

Her: Yeah I guess.

Me: Well the sooner you do the sooner you can move on.

Her: Yeah I know.

Can't say for sure, but her mood seemed really melancholy, like she was feeling doubtful and uncertain.

She changed the subject and asked me where I was, what I'm doing, and what my plans are for where I'm going to stay.

I told her I had been looking at moving to Costa Rica for a couple of months (which she must have known if she had seen my facebook profile because some friends had been asking me about it)

She sounded...alarmed maybe? When she thought I was leaving next week, but then when I told her about staying at my uncle's place until the end of march she said "sounds like a plan".

In response I just sent her a smiley, and then she was suddenly gone and had left without saying anything more. Might have been disconnected. Might have left because of her feelings. Don't really know, don't really need to know. I'm feeling solid.

I have set my next goal for our relationship to get her into a DB coaching session with Dottie, either with or without me on the call.

I think there is somethings she wants and needs to hear right now, but she can't hear them from me and nobody else she knows can tell her.

And when (not if!) when I am on a DB coaching call with her as well, one thing I want to remember to talk about is that of she is at all interested in trying to make things work, I'm not comfortable with her having the divorce papers in her hands with my signature already on it.

That is just too much uncertainty for me to have hanging over me IF she is still interested in talking.

Good. I like this. I'm starting to set some boudaries for myself so I know I'm moving in a good direction.

Hey! Ho! Let's go!