H takes all the blame - why?

[Grace_O]

Angel,

Have you considered that you D12's anxiety may be caused to some extent by what is not being said? What I mean is that she sees what's going on and no matter how "normal" we think we are being...we aren't. This is all very stressful.

Your daughter more likely than not, understands more than you think she does. Regardless of what she understands, she can "feel" that things are amiss. Consider that the lesson she learns may be to not trust her intuition/instincts.


I understand what you are trying to convey in your letter. I don't think it will be taken the way you intend. Just my 2 cents.

HUGS

[Walking]

Hi Angel

I read this on a post over on Infidelity posted by Firstlove. It really resonated with me and I thought it might help you.

Letting Go
Author unknown
To let go doesn’t mean to stop caring, it means I can’t do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off, it’s the realization that I don’t control another.
To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another, I can only change myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own outcomes.
To let go is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes and to cherish the moment.
To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more.


Blessings, V

[angel61]

Grace, you are right, the kids understand more than we think. My D12 said the other night that her Dad did not tell her anything useful when they spoke, he still thinks she's a child and she does not think that way anymore. I know H was trying to make her understand but that is not what she wants; she does understand the situation and has forgiven him as well, all she wants is reassurance.... and it may be just the reassurance that we will be there for her, no matter what.

I am thinking of what you told me, that the letter will not be taken the way it is intended, and I think you are right there. he will just view it as a criticism.

Our conversations of late have started being cheerful again. He is still out of town but makes it a point to call 1-2x a day.

My anxiety is lessening, I am again looking outward and managed to have a really fun weekend with my sis and D12. We went for a long drive, went sight seeing, visited a historic city, and shopped. All unplanned.... so all the more fun! Also managed to start a re-upholstering project at home. Keeping busy is the key.

D12 also is back to normal.

Well, back to the daily DBing grind!

[angel61]

And Virginia, thanks for the beautiful post. It does resonate with me a lot.... It breaks down letting go into manageable portions and makes me see where I am still holding on. Some I have accomplished, but many I still have to learn

[InAPickle]

Hi Angel:
Been wondering about you.
Hang in there.
You're still in our thoughts and prayers.

We're both stuck between a rock and hard place.
If it wasn't for my S12, I would have invited my W to move out.

[angel61]

Hi Pickle,

I will. I have been updating on your sitch as well.

Just keep your heart and mind open to God. He is guiding you every step of the way. I try to do that too - more and more I am learning to listen.

I even have asked Him, without reservations, for a miracle...

We both have our children to protect. They are particularly vulnerable at this age and I remember you said that your s12 is sensitive, just like my D12 who has anxiety issues. I agree, without that, it would be so easy to let go. This situation is hard on us. I find it relaxing when H is not home, like now, except that there is no one to share chores with!

[angel61]

Sooo tired today. I just want to close my eyes and sleep and wake up to a different world. My head hurts from thinking all the time.

I saw psychiatrist today. I went there to find out if I could have meds for my anxiety attcks, as I have not really had them before and both my H and D are afraid that I am losing it.

The doc talks to me and tells me NO. I cannot afford to blunt my emotions , he says, as that will keep me going on. He sees what I am doing as enabling the situation. As living in an abusive relationship. As not healthy for me and D. So much to think about.

Made me think of Scylla's posts.

H is out of town right now. He initially called us everyday but yesterday he did not call.

I have been continuously thinking back to all my DBing efforts, my successes and my failures. My inability to let go completely. My hang ups on what the outcome is. My fear of being left alone.

How H really felt about me. Thinking about RESPECT in our M - my H's to me and my own to myself.

Thinking about my D and how best to bring her up unscarred.

And yet, in spite of all these thoughts, life goes on, and then I go back to doing what I best know.

I am just so tired now.

[Walking]

(((((Angel)))))

One foot in front of the other girlfriend, that's your mission now.

Angel - sometimes, the most powerful thing you can do is to do nothing.

We women, particularly intelligent, passionate, organised, dynamic women, have this inbuilt desire to always be "doing". Planning, executing, evaluating, reviewing, implementing.... we do it in our professional lives, we do it in our home lives, we do it in our relationships. It’s not always helpful or healthy.

Just stop. Stop thinking, stop planning how you might be able to take action a to get outcome b. Stop worrying about what tomorrow is going to bring. You’ve only got today. Tomorrow may never come. Today, you have a gorgeous daughter, a home you love, a job that’s rewarding, friends and family – can’t that be enough for today? It’s a lot more than a lot of people have.

I work in developing countries with mining companies. My job is to work with the community to identify the social determinants for development and capacity building. I’m in a failed state in the Pacific today and I spent the day with a group of women who are the powerhouse for change in their very impoverished region. Amazing women.

In this place there are about 50,000 people living around a world class mine, but they have no access to clean water or sanitation. There is no customary land left, the mine has taken it all, so there is little room left for gardens and food security is a huge issue. The men here have taken polygamy to a new level and thousands of women are left by their husbands to take care of their children (very little access to contraception so women have a lot of children) while their husband indulges in wife number 4 or 5 (or 32 in one case) … and yet these women just keep going. Some of them are absolutely heartbroken – because the shame of being left by their husband often means they are pariahs in their own families and are disowned – they are often homeless – but they keep going and they form water-committees and participate in micro-finance schemes to buy chickens and sewing machines to make a bit of money so their children can go to school … and they continue to contribute to their community by helping other women and looking after other women’s children while they go to work.

We are super indulged we middle-class women from the developed world. Why don’t you make one of your get-a-life activities volunteer work at a homeless shelter or a place for abused women? There are a lot of ways you can turn your suffering into something positive – something worthwhile that contributes to the world around you – and sets an example for your daughter, that no matter how bad things are, they could always be worse.
I know it feels like the end of the world. In some ways it is the end of the world as you know it. You will never be the same again …. But you know what? That’s a good thing. We are refined in this fire.

Blessings, V

[angel61]

Dear Virginia,

One of the most meaningful periods in my life involved years of doing charity work as a doctor. I come from a 3rd world country, lived there for 40 years before coming to the US, so I am not a stranger to poverty and oppression.

I met my H during those years. I volunteered my time then to charitable organizations, flying to remote areas in our country, sometimes in rickety C-130 cargo planes, to set up temporary operating rooms in schools, performing eye surgeries for free.The people who came were so poor, but the happiness on their faces when they were able to see after years of being blind was priceless. They would come back with eggs, chickens, even a goat once, trying to repay us. H was with me all those years! Just like me, he felt so fulfilled and happy. Unlike many of our peers, we never counted the days we spent doing those as income lost. Not only was our contribution weighted in money, the risk to our lives was also present - there being rebels, civil unrest in our country at that time.

When we finally settled down and turned our attention on ourselves, to bring up our family, we felt that we were so lucky in many ways, and that our luck was also brought by our generosity, our good hearts. How many times did we look at each other and thank God for our good fortune!

With that kind of shared history behind us, I never thought that my H would one day ever consider turning his back on us. Little did I know that while I went through life with a "my cup is full" kind of attitude, H's cup was draining.

But you know, maybe you have a point there. Our life here is so priviledged, but selfish. Maybe it has become devoid of meaning for H, except for the fact that we have a beloved D. Maybe going back to doing what we used to do, albeit in a different manner, might pull back H into the circle of light and maske him find meanig again. And true, it will be a good way to teach D, as she has lived a sheltered life so far.

That is what is so good about being part of this boards. Everyone is different, there are so many intelligent and interesting people that just by opening your mind you can glean so much and apply to your own sitch. Everyday I read through everyones sitches makes me more mature and gain more and more insight.

Thank you and please keep posting my friends. I love you all.

[angel61]

Journaling....

After our upheavals (panic attacks, etc) it turned out to be a nice two week time with my D, friends and sister.

Weekdays was work and school as usual, with bad weather and good, but we survived. Several days we went to visit friends and share dinner or a glass of wine. Weekends were fun times for both me and D.

Thinking back to this whole sitch, I realize that it seems like I am starting to get into a more stable stage. There hasn't been any major event that has happened initiated by D with regards to the EA or the M in the past month or so. I think the anxiety attack I had was more of a rite of passage, a last ditch refusal to accept reality. Right now I feel that I have touched rock bottom emotionally and am now leaving that behind. Hope it means I am hopping out of the coaster. Although it may be just because of the stability of not having H around for 2 weeks.

Even D12 feels it too. After mass today she asks me when her dad is coming, I said Tuesday. I asked her if she was excited, and she tells me "I guess". I asked her if that meant she was not sure, and she said "yes, we survived the weeks without him and actually had fun, now I am nervous that it will be stressful again". So I asked if the stress was because I am stressed when H is around, and she said partly, but apparently, she is stressed too.

I did't have a clue because every time they talked on the phone, she was always so sweet to him, ending each call with "ILY daddy" in the most "wrapping dad around my little finger" tone.

That is so sad, because D12 actually was always closer to H than me. He is the one who is the hands on parent - cooks, brings her to school and back. But I guess his EA has taken its toll on how he interacts with her.

I don't know though if this is bad, but I actually felt that how D12 feels might help if we had to go ahead with the S.

The two week time though has made me more prepared to DB and keep my home an oasis of calm when H comes back. I feel very even keeled right now, ready to take on the world, alert and starting to be organized again. I feel like I am waking up, leaving my depression and sadness and paralysis behind.