Hello! I’ve been faithfully reading the MLC forums since the end of December. My husband dropped the bomb right around Christmas. It started the week before with him being unhappy and saying we both have to make changes. He was 100% behind me in my quest to become more active and lose weight. He even offered to pay for a personal trainer. He quickly went from supporting me to being angry with me and resenting that I hadn’t gotten motivated a year before.
We bought a house in August and prior to that we’d been living in the townhome I had prior to our marriage. We were getting it ready to sell and when he dropped the bomb he told me maybe it’s a good thing we didn’t sell it because I may need to move back there. On January 4th he told me that it wasn’t working and he needed space to see how he felt about things. On January 5th I got laid off. I had prayed with friends on the 4th because he told me we needed to talk that night when I got home from the gym and I suspected I knew what was coming. We prayed for a miracle and I thought getting laid off was it…how could he make me move out when I lost my job? It only slowed him down a couple days though.
He got sick with the flu and told me he wanted me gone. Said he needed to know if he’d miss me. Said he didn’t know what he wanted anymore. I forgot to note that on 12/26 I found out there was an OW. She’s 29 and according to him she reminds him of me when he first met me. When I was single and constantly busy with friends and parties…before I got married and became a wife and mother to his children – my step children. There were multiple times where he changed his mind and told me he didn't want to live without me or lose me but then he'd get quiet and go into a depressed state where I could see he was struggling with missing the OW and then he'd go back to needing space and not knowing what he wanted. My friends were concerned for me because of the fast change in him…going from being a very loving attentive husband to a complete stranger who wanted me gone. He had talked to me about him helping me move to our old house but my friends got together and moved me one Saturday morning while he was working his part time job and his son was at his mother’s.
There’s a lot more to tell but the short of it is that tomorrow he wants to talk to me about how to proceed with our divorce. I want to stand for our marriage but he’s on the fast track to getting rid of me. I don’t know what to say to tell him that I am standing for our marriage. He’s in major MLC and our friends have been telling me they see it all over his FB posts. He unfriended me on his birthday in January so I don’t know what he’s posting but a couple we used to do things with have contacted me and said he’s going through a “huge” midlife crisis…she said huge and her husband called it “wicked”.
If anyone can tell me how to tell a MLCer that I’m standing for our marriage I’d really appreciate it. I want to tell him that I love him and stand for the commitment we made and the vows we took. I’ve lost 40lbs since this started and I look fantastic…just not 29 anymore. I want to stand in front of him as my former independent, confident self and tell him that I’m here and don’t want a divorce.
Any advice will be appreciated. I’ve given this up to God but I’m having trouble coming up with what to say.
Hi, I am so sorry for what you are going thru. I know how difficult this is. There are alot of things you can be doing differently and I suggest you talk to one of the DB coaches. They are incredibly skillful in helping you come up with a plan, so that you are saying and doing (and 'not' doing) things that will bring him closer and not push him any further away. Please take advantage of their expertise, you will have a plan and feel so much better after the first call. Take care. I would look forward hearing from you.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
Thank you. I'll just listen to him and tell him I'm sorry he feels that way. He's already said that he doesn't want me to forgive him and doesn't want to know that I'll forgive him...he says it's because he knows he doesn't deserve me. I know that's just a cop out. He really is lost.
I've read DR and have gone dark. I know it got his attention because he complained to his Mom about me not answering his calls but he's almost using it as justification for not contacting me. But he does contact me...pretty much daily about something. I had only been responding if it was something important...like taxes or his requests for us to meet up do discuss "what we're going to do about us" but today the text outright stated talking about how to move forward with the divorce.
Tonight I had friends over to thank them for all the help they've given me in my journey. It's been two months but I swear they've been the hardest of my life. Last week they met me in a furniture store where I sat and cried about what it meant that I was buying new furniture. Today that furniture was delivered so I cooked a wonderful dinner and we toasted to my new life.
I want to thank everyone on these boards. These are my first postings but I have been reading all the threads. I am working on me. Detaching is not easy and I still cry or tear up daily. He was so kind and thoughtful...considerate and doting and I feel like he's completely turned his back on me. He's right...I don't deserve this and the old me never would have put up with it. Thank you to everyone for sharing your stories and experiences.
So you said you have been reading since Dec. Do you need me to post the resources on your thread? I can do it if you wish. Let me know what you want.
This like Grit said is your time. Start working on you and don't worry about him.
You speak to your MLC'er by actions not words. Remeber one of the things in my initial thread is to beleive nothing of what they say and 50% of what they do. Well you can turn that around too. They will believe your actions not your words.
I always say to heep your eyes and ears open and your mouth closed!
If you start dating or get remarried then he will know that you have given up your stand. Actions not words.
Keep posting and let me know about the resource thread.
I did not see where you mentioned how long you had been married. How long were you in the townhouse? I'm asking these personal questions because sometimes a huge change, like taking on the payments of a new house and the responsibility inferred, can be the straw that broke the MLC'rs back.
If you don't mind, could we have a little more personal information please?
As for proceeding, True said it all. You need to concentrate all your energy, both physically and mentally as much as possible, on yourself. Not him.
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
Cadet. I've seen and read most of the links so you don't need to post them for me. Thanks though!
A little more background. We've been together 7 years and will be married 6 years in April. We were together in the town house up until August of this year. I know that the second house and mortgage added stress. We moved out of the school district and wanted his S who's a senior to finish out at his other school so we shared the responsibility of getting him to and from school. We were also very busy packing, moving and unpacking all summer and into the fall. We got a new puppy in October and he traveled for work 3 weeks in November. When he told me we had nothing in common anymore because we were no longer doing the activities we used to do I told him we didn't have time for anything because of this huge change. I know now to be quiet because it doesn't matter what I say.
I've been focusing on myself and have been pretty dark. He's learned that I won't return texts or calls unless I deem it important so he's gotten to leaving messages for me to call him with no reason so I have to call to see what he wants.
I really don't want to see him today. He wants me to bring the two dogs I have over to play with the one he kept for a play date while we talk about the divorce. Up until yesterday he always referred to it as what we're going to do about us...yesterday he outright stated in his text we're meeting about how to move forward with the divorce.
He's had stress at work. He works in a very fast paced environment and there are always changes and restructuring. He's always stressed about being laid off. He's been laid off 2 times since we've been married and he's concerned that it'll just be harder to find a job should it happen again. He was bullied and beaten regularly by bullies as a child and I think not being in control about his employment future and the demands on him at work may have triggered his crisis.
I had breakfast with some friends today that I haven't seen since last spring. We sat down and I asked what's new with them...they came back at me with how am I doing...they said they suspect something but need to hear it from me. I guess they know me pretty well. They commented on my FB posts getting stronger...they could see I was going through something but all my posts are about strength and change...I told them about fake it till you make it.
I am much stronger though. I'm making some awesome changes for myself and they're helping me to hold my head up high. Best of all is finding my way back to God and laying this at his feet. He's taking care of me and I can see that...I have faith and trust in Him. This is out of my control.
Okay, I have to say after the thought I’ve put into this that I really admire and appreciate everyone that posts their sitchs here and replies. It’s taken me a while to prepare this update.
I saw H on Saturday. It was only 3 degrees out so I asked if we could just meet somewhere other than me bringing the dogs over to the house so they could play outside with the dog he kept.
I got to the restaurant and went in. I saw his car in the parking lot but he wasn’t inside. I sat and finally sent him a text that I was inside. He got out of the car and was on the phone. He came in and sat with me. It’s the first time I’ve seen him in 4 weeks other than once when he was dropping of mail for a minute.
He asked how we’re going to go about the divorce. I asked what he meant by go about it and he said are we going to do this easy or are we going to argue about it…inexpensive or expensive. I said we’ve only been apart for a month and that I’m not ready for divorce yet. He said that answered his question. I said okay, if you’re going to file what will the papers say. He said he was willing to pay me half the debt that’s in my name but he was not willing to pay me back for investments I cashed in to help him fight for custody of his kids. I said that this is what he wants so I should not take the financial hit on this. I don’t deserve that. He said he can’t afford to pay that back and I didn’t have to cash it in I did it because I wanted to. I kind of let that drop.
I said something about after 7 years he sure is in a hurry to end things. He said he doesn’t want to keep me waiting for him. He said he’s not the same person. I said I’ve changed since all this started too. It’s obvious I’ve lost 40 lbs and my confidence shows it. He said his changes were more drastic and faster than mine. He said he can’t explain it but he’s changed…said he feels like he doesn’t have any conscience or feelings anymore. Said he does all kinds of things to have fun but it doesn’t work. I asked if he’s happy and he said at times he is but other times he’s not. He said the last week was horrible. When I asked why he said it was his job.
He said he didn’t know if he had some kind of breakdown or what happened to him but he feels numb inside. Doesn’t feel anything. Tries to do things and keep busy to feel good but it doesn’t work. He said we can’t go back to what we had. I told him I don’t want that back…I want a new relationship be it with him or someone else.
I said again that I wasn’t ready for divorce. I feel like I’m losing a friend. I teared up when I said that and he looked out the windown…when he looked back he had tears in his eyes too. He emphatically said I’m not losing a friend. He repeated and said he’ll always be there for me…I just need to ask. I then told him the disposal wasn’t working at the old house and the dryer overheats. I teased him about the old refrigerator and we both laughed about it. He’s going to bring a newer one we were using in the basement of the old house.
I told him the hardest part for me is that he was always so concerned about me and my safety. Checked on me and made me call when I was out of town…called me 3-5 times a day…even when I in town and working. He always called to chat on his way to and from work. I said I’ve done some things and I know there was a time he would have wanted me to check in to be sure I was safe and that I don’t understand how he can go from that to just not caring where I am or what I’m doing. He told me he does care. He said he cares about me a lot and thinks about me everyday. He said just because he’s not sitting there crying doesn’t mean he doesn’t think about me.
I mentioned OW being in our house and he said she’s been there. I apologized and said I don’t want to know…it hurts too much. He said they “hang out” he still hasn’t admitted they’re more than friends but prior to moving I found e-mails from him to her about how much he loves her and looks forward to a life with her.
We talked for a while…laughed about some things. I asked if I could go to SS’s swimming banquet. He said yes and that he’d forward the e-mail to me. I said I’d pay for my ticket. He then asked if me going would prolong my “clinginess”. I started to protest and he apologized. I haven’t been clingy. I told him he couldn’t call me clingy. I haven’t seen him since he moved and I’ve been going dark quite a bit. I reminded him I went out of town on business and didn’t even tell him. He said that’s right…and that he was still mad about that…that I didn’t have him watch the dogs while I was gone because he misses them.
I said something about him and the boys missing the dogs but not me. He said its been a long time since we all had fun. That was him rewriting history. It makes me so sad that he’s eliminated all the good we had in our family and placed the blame on me.
When we left he asked me for a hug but I realized while I hung on tight that he was only hugging me with one arm. We said we’d see each other Saturday because we have an appt to put in a remote start for my car that he’d gotten me for Christmas. He works for a company that sells and installs so he gets a discount on the labor. I mentioned maybe we could go to breakfast as a family while its being done so I can see the boys.
I haven’t heard from him since we left there. I didn’t really expect to though. I think it went very well and I think he left with a lot to think about. Of course, today is OW’s birthday. My friend works with H and told me that he took vacation today and had her initials on his outlook calendar noting the birthday and time off.
I know he’s lost and confused and the OW is the band aid…and she’s a beautiful young band aid.
Hey there. Any updates? You know, my W has totally rewritten our history as well. I guess it is something that they do. They can't seem to see ANYTHING good.
I feel your pain. You have a lot of people here that can support you.
Tad
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
I haven’t updated much because I really believe this is a long process and with things moving at such a snail’s pace there really isn’t much to say. A very wise man suggested I maintain my thread and use it to journal.
That said, my H is filing for divorce. He got a $500 divorce deal and has requested various information from me so he can file. I contacted an attorney as well who will review everything once it’s written up for $300. All in all pretty cheap but since we don’t have children together it’s much easier.
I’ve had minimal contact with H. Mostly for info regarding the divorce or about trading mail back and forth between our residences. I did call him last week about a flat on my bicycle and he volunteered to change it rather than me paying to have it done. I offered to take it to the bike shop 3 times but he insisted on doing it. I went over to our old house so he could change the tire. He was watching OW’s dog so the dog of ours he kept and her dog romped in the garage with us while he was changing the tire. Afterward he invited me in because he had papers for me to sign to take my name off his car.
He offered me a beverage and I accepted. I sat at the bar in the kitchen and he was across the counter from me. The way many of our conversations took place after the bomb. He asked how I’m doing and since I can’t talk about R I talked about my job a little. I asked the same of him and he vented for quite a while about all the stress he’s under for work. We talked about me seeing his son, my stepson, 12. He said he didn’t know…I asked a couple times and he finally said he didn’t want him getting false hope that we’re getting back together. I said to tell him I miss him and asked to see him…that it’s nothing more than that and he agreed to let me see him but we’ll see. Shortly after that his 18 year old came upstairs and about fell over seeing me sitting there. I asked him if he’d like to go to dinner with me Sunday night and he said sure.
I asked about his parents. He said they’re “mad as hell” at him for what he did to me. He told me he feels terrible for what he did. I responded that he should. He said he just doesn’t know what he wants. He feels “dead” inside. He said things at work that used to upset him don’t anymore and he just doesn’t care. Then he said he works at home every night until 10. I didn’t ask why he works so long if he doesn’t care…just another contradiction.
I asked H if it would be too weird for him to go biking with me. He said yes. I asked why and he said he didn’t “trust himself”. I didn’t push for a meaning on that but later asked if he was afraid he’d off me in the woods and hide my body and he said that wasn’t what he meant.
He pulled out all the paperwork and was complaining about everything they were asking for. I said because we don’t have kids and there won’t be spousal maintenance they shouldn’t need all that and he should let them know how we are doing things. I then did some bad Dbing and said we don’t have to do this. He asked what? And I said this…we don’t have to get divorced. The state of MN has free marriage counseling. He obviously didn’t want to talk about it and changed the subject.
I played with our dog for a while and then left. That was Wednesday…
