I have a couple of serious questions that have been niggin' at my mind, which I would like input on, especially from the ladies and spouses in this forum:
1. Regarding what my wife said during our last big conversation (posted 2/23) that she has become apathetic towards me. She said that during her introspection earlier in our separation (maybe even before that), she realized that she doesn't feel hurt or bad envisioning me dating or being with another woman. She said she didn't care anymore. My question is: From a woman's perspective, once your mind is apathetic like my wife is, does that mean a complete emotional disconnect and that it's irreversible? Or is it part of a defensive wall?
Well alamo, I can tell you I feel the same about my H. It is not that I don't love him. I just don't own him or his choices. I can't stop him from from having sex with someone else, but I won't feel badly if he does either. I guess it's detachment and realisation it's not in my hands; he long ago broke any loyalty and fidelity he once felt to me.
2. Speaking in terms of the DB rule of not pushing your spouse away, I sense that I may be driving my wife to show increased interest in other men (your hunch was right, Mike) merely due to the hope and stance I've frequently stated to her. My theory is that because my wife feels like I'm not letting go, it's pushing her away and increasing her need to find someone else. I've tried explaining to her that it's about a new respect and understanding of my marriage vows with or without her, etc. It's not about possessiveness. What do you think?
Don't know. In my case, his lack of concern about our M, refusal to talk about anything but the superficial, and having said " I'm done" influence my thinking. On the days that I believe he meant ( and was deadly serious in meaning ) it, I'm apt to think; why shouldn't I pursue something fulfilling with another man.
I don't know if this helps you or not alamo.
Thanks Syclla -- what you wrote does help. Regarding your answer on apathy, does it mean that you couldn't careless altogether what your husband does, or a disconnect whereby you build a fort around your heart for protection until you feel like it's safe outside?
It's not that don't care, I do. It's just that sex is just sex if you choose to look at it in that way. Making love is a whole other ballgame. Part of me knows, that any woman H would sleep with now, would be a temporary thing and it sure as h3ll would not be making love. I suppose that's what keeps me from freaking out about it if my mind goes in that direction.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
I am neither female, nor am I going to give you the answers you are looking for. Sorry for that, but I am really trying to get you to understand what you must do. I keep being hard on you, because each time you post back, it shows that you are not yet ready to receive the message.
Take heart though, you are progressing. Getting a job is huge and possibly the most important step right now, but once that is out of the way there is much more to be done.
In response to your questions....
1. One of the big problems you face is that you are way too focused on your W, and not on yourself. Your first question highlights this greatly. Stop trying to analyze her. Stop trying to figure her out. The reason you are not getting a response to this question is because you are barking up the wrong tree.
2. You are not pushing her away to see other men, as much as she has just lost attraction to you and is seeking to fill that void. You can't reverse this using words. Explaining to her just sounds like excuses to her ears. In fact, the less you say to her the better. The only way you will be able to convince her is BECOME. By become, I mean evolve into a new man, different to the one she knew. How successful you can be at this will depend on how open you are willing to be to the process, and if you are capable of truly listening, instead of filtering everything you receive through your current disfunctional perspective. By disfunctional I do not mean that you are not acceptable the way you are, I just mean disfunctional in the sense that your current perspective is not acceptable to your W.
Do not give up. Keep working on yourself.
I appreciate the 2x4s, Mike! Clearly, I'm still drawn back into missing my wife. It doesn't happen all the time, but it does more than I like it to. And when I do, I get jealous, sad, or depressed. As my wife packs to move tomorrow, I feel like the REAL fight has only just begun. Now I have to shine my light brighter than I have needed to before. "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine."
One of the biggest challenges for me is patience. I want to know what's going to happen, or if it's going to happen or not. I think that's part of why I asked the first question. I know us DBers will say keep fighting no matter what caused your marital failure. Some of the porn recovery folks (at least the spouses of addicts) will say absolutely no hope. Just different philosophies.
Just gave our son THE talk. And my wife tells me suddenly that she's taking the washer and dryer. My fault for not putting dibs on them.
I'm really sad from the talk, and also from my wife's coldness about this whole move, like she really IS moving on with her life sans me. Tell me this is not true...
Put our son to sleep and realized as we were singing 'Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star' that this is the last time we'll possibly be singing together as a family. Bedtimes with me, mom and our son has always been one of my (not sure about my wife at this point) favorite "traditions" of the day. Tonight was the last time, at least under this old marriage.
Then as we left the room I asked about Bella our dog. I wanted to talk to her about a schedule for her too, but my wife had the assumption that since it's her dog (she got Bella as her support dog for my crap during the early years of our marriage) she was going to keep her. I said Bella is our family dog and I would like to see her too, though less rigid of a schedule. I said she is also family to me. My wife found that kind of funny.
Anyway, I can't wait for this to pass. I hope I don't get a nightmare like I did last night. It was a highly-charged dream where my wife was purposefully having heavy sex with another guy right in front of me, while looking at me saying: "How do YOU like this now? I am."
As our son falls asleep, I just hope and pray that this time apart will give us the space needed to open both our hearts to healing and grace. I miss my wife's singing already. I never wanted this for my son.
Hang in there Alamo. Here's sending positive vibes your way. It may only be the last time singing to your little man as a family until the next time. Think positive my friend.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Thank you, kind sir. I can't seem to stop tearing up right now. I'm too sentimental, seriously! I am indeed looking forward to the next time. Actually that's what I told my wife on Wednesday night during our conversation. I said: "You probably think I want this marriage back the way it is, you know, everything back to normal, everyone goes back to normal. ...Well I'll tell you something: I don't want any of this. With or without you, I want a new marriage because this one was damaged and is now dead. I want a new one, preferably with you...I want to take that marriage to greater heights, to enjoy things, pleasures, and enjoy life like never before, to draw tighter with God and allow Him to lead us where He wants us to go."
Don't listen to anyone tell you when is the right time to give up on your R.
Fight for your M as long as you feel you need to. When you feel the time has come to move on, you will know it. Until that time, keep fighting for your M and pay no mind to what anyone else has to say about the matter.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Wife moving out today. Will be spending whole day away from the house with our son. It's going to be fun! ...Just hope no extra/unexpected things are missing from the house when we get home.
