Thanks for your support on my thread, today was a difficult day.
Quote: AM GETTING BETTER WAMMIT!!! I AM MAKING PROGRESS! Whether he acknowledges it or not, I need to continue to believe in myself and appreciate the changes that I have made for ME.
YOU GO GIRL!!
you are awesome! Keep up the good work. And keep updating so we can follow your lead!
Last night h had a band audition, so I had no idea when he would be home etc. I worked late b/c I went to the doctor in the middle of the day, went home...H called me on his way home. Another +! I was on the phone with my dad, so I called h back when I was done. We asked if each other had eaten, decided to get a pizza.
He comes home, is being nice and affectionate. Then we go to bed, he takes off his clothes, and I say what I thought was jokingly, "you're big!" He gets into bed and asks if I am calling him fat. I said no, just like he has more meat on his bones. H is 6' 6 1/2" and weighed 180-190 when we started dating. He got up to 220, then we dieted together last summer. He got down to 200-205. I lost ~15. Well, I have kept mine off, and now he is back up to 220. I really did not know that he was feeling sensitive about this. We both have really small bones, and all of his weight goes to his stomach-so he's got these really long skinny legs, his belly,and then his shoulders are broad.
So h is acting upset and I don't know if he's kidding or not! He has never actually get "hurt" by me joking around with him. So I try to reassure him, and ask what is wrong, etc. I asked him to come by me, so we were spooning. I think he might have cried! ??? He said he is having problem with his body image right now. I asked why, etc. asked if he wanted to eat better (something I should know if I am cooking several times a week, no?). He says yes. ok, so then he rolls back over to his side. I go to my side thinking, WTH?? I apologized profusely, yet I still feel like he closed me out. (Now he doesn't want to do our usual snuggle let alone ) I honestly did not mean to hurt him and now I feel bad. I couldn't sleep and went to my room for a while (and cried too), got back into our bed before morn.
This morn. I didn't bring it up. He came in to say goodbye as usual. I asked what is going on tonight and he said he didn't know. That was as far as that convo. went.
Now, what do I do??? I'm anticipating that he will be distant for a period of time, how long, don't know. Last night I asked him to let me know when he was talking to me again. I prob. shouldn't have said that b/c it sounds like I am more concerned about ME ME ME. I would like to have a nice eve., I've backed off from initiating but he hasn't either. Tomorrow I have his bday/vday celebration planned to take him to one of his fav. restaurants and stay in a room with a hot tub.
I'm paranoid that he won't be receptive and want to be romantic.
I feel really sad b/c I feel like I am being left out...again...or like he is shutting me out. I want to be CLOSER to him, not farther away! Darn it! I feel like I can't do "right" by him...thinking about throwing in the towel, etc.
Please help so I don't continue down the downward spiral. Thanks! karen
This right now is all about him dealing with his feelings and emotions. Don't take it on. You apologized, right? You didn't mean to hurt his feelings. You have offered a helpful solution on the cooking healthy.
It really is now up to him to deal with how he feels, you didn't cause it and you can't change it.
I would say go with tomorrow and act as if nothing is wrong. Continue with the confident happy person you have been being.
The one he missed!!!!!! REMEMBER????
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
So...you've already gotten the good advice to stop beating yourself up!
I'm wondering if you can use this experience to get to an even higher level of compassion and understanding for h...IOW, it **seems** as though you interpret his saying "no" to as a statement on YOU...does this shed some light for you? Can you now see even more clearly that h is a man of feelings -- good AND bad about himself -- and that he's struggling with his own demons of insecurity? Does seeing the "commonness" of not-always-feeling-good-about-oneself help you depersonalize h's responses to you?
My h has told me that I make everything about me at times...because it was a result of my insecurity and my desire to be MORE/BETTER, I never understood how he could judge it so harshly I guess I eventually realized (still a work in progress!) that my tendancy to make everything about me didn't leave room for his feelings and insecurities and ...
AS for what to do now...treat h with as much love and compassion and warmth as you can muster AND don't make it all about you This time it's about him and his feelings and hurts.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Pam, that is what I thought, to go on about as if it didn't happen, and act confident tonight/tomorrow.
I guess I always think of h as a "pillar of strength." He never lets other people get to him (oh, except me), but I mean he doesn't care what people think, feels secure of his character, etc. But, he never thinks that he is good looing, and when we first started dating, he told me that he often felt insecure about his body. He has referred to himself as "freakishly tall."
Ok, so his belly is not the prettiest thing, but I really don't care. well...i do care a little. For health reasons too. But I am more attracted to other parts of his body AND WHO HE IS!! I think his face is gorgeous, and I am a face-gal. So, how do I convey this without sounding sappy or insincere? He doesn't take compliments very well b/c he disagrees. I was thinking about writing him a note/poem/ecard. I got him a funny vday card b/c that what I think HE would like. I would like mush & gush, but right now, I don't think that that will happen.
I know I make everything about me...I really need to think about what he wants/needs from me. This whole R has been about me and my feelings-he prob. feels short-changed. But I would like to be there for him. Last night he called it "his prob." but I said it was mine too. After all, I am the one feeding him ice cream! (But I don't feed him the candy, pop, fast food, and beer!) Besides, what can he expect being married to the Cheesecake Queen?
Quote: AS for what to do now...treat h with as much love and compassion and warmth as you can muster AND don't make it all about you This time it's about him and his feelings and hurts.
Keep swimming...I know this is what I have to do!! Thanks a lot! karen
this post contains sexual content. If you do not want to read, then please don't. I will contain this info. in one post. Thanks! But, those who want to help, please do!
I got a prayer answered yesterday!! BIG TIME! My friend was telling me the other day that she was praying about how to be sexual w/her new husband. So, I have been trying to pray more often. When driving home from work last night I prayed that God would do the same for me. and it dawned on me that i am not being myself sexually. So I'm a vixen, what can i say? I came across an old note from h and he was saying how he has never wanted to be the guy that "always was grabbin'" on his girls-he had heard many girls complain about that and that it's a big turn on for me to come onto him. Additionally, he is VERY shy and not very aggressive in many aspects of his life. And, in most r's, i have initiated sex a lot b/c I REALLY like it! So, I pray and ask god to help show me what to do. I get home, h & I chat, I clean up a little, he gets into bed, I take off my pants and get into bed. We snuggle and I start caressing him & kissing him...A few months ago he had showed me something that he likes. (Not a bj but a little help from my hand) So I incorporate that with a little of this, and MAGIC. I heard him make noises that I never heard before!! He was squirming and kind of doubled over from a laying position.
So, I figure, if I want HIM to want sex more often that maybe i should make it more rewarding for HIM...and be a little less concerned about myself. i have an issue or two about this...
First of all, I used to have a bf who would let me give him a bj, and not indicate that he was going to come, come, and then would not do anything else for me. He was done, and hadn't taken care of me BEFORE I did that to him. And it really hurt. And when I was 17 one guy MADE me do that-like he was a big football player and pushed my head so I couldn't back away. YUCK!
OK, so now I LIKE to do it, but I still fear that if I do for h, that he won't do for me. One time he didn't and I either got upset or asked him about it or something, so now he always "does" for me. But, I also have a fear of being taken advantage of this way or being degraded. Ok, i know that H would NEVER degrade me or take advantage of me.
Last night, he took care of before AND after several times. (very easy for me). And when I did that to him. He said it was AWESOME and that it's "not right." I said, "what? That your wife is a lethal weapon?" And he said yes.
But even though there are a few ways for me, I don't feel "done" unless I have vaginal sex. But, I think that I should be able to forget about that and appreciate if I get off in other ways. (So that's one issue.)
The second is, do men PREFER that to vaginal sex. I usually start giving him a bj, then before he comes, hop on him and we get off together. But he doesn't exclaim like he does that way. He does say it was awesome, and sometimes even gets tears in his eyes. But for some reason, thinking he'd rather have a bj than vag. sex makes me feel funny. ? Insecure I guess. I don't know why. Does this make sense to anyone? Am I just being selfish. Granted I love to get oral sex too! I guess I want it all!!
How can I make vag. sex better for him? Why do I feel funky?
I guess I don't have any real concrete advice. Other than I don't suppose this area is any different than other areas of our R's. Same principals apply.
Do what works and don't what doesn't Create a safe happy place. Go slow with him, get him used to experiencing all that Karen has to offer...just not all at once.
Maybe he feels pressure to keep up with you or that he is not satisfying you the WAY you want.
I see this as a long term discovery session for you two. It will take time that as he feels comfortable to show you what he likes and he gets to feel the "benefits" safely, then you show him. Each time in between taking some time just to enjoy that new level before adding more.
) I honestly did not mean to hurt him and now I feel bad. I couldn't sleep and went to my room for a while (and cried too), got back into our bed before morn. 
I guess I eventually realized (still a work in progress!) that my tendancy to make everything about me didn't leave room for his feelings and insecurities and ...
This time it's about him and his feelings and hurts.