H takes all the blame - why?

[angel61]

Thank you Lorie, you made that clear to me.

To be honest, if it were not for D12, there would be no agonizing decisions to make. I would have gotten to the point of gracefully letting go.

I have already told that to H. I said that there are two forces in me.... my love for him actually makes me feel that I want him to be happy and want to let him go. But I cannot bear that D12 will be hurt. True, she can get hurt in many other ways, but if it is something within our control, why risk it? What if this triggers something like anorexia nervosa in my daughter? I have a real fear as I have seen her before, not eating, only drinking yoghurt drinks for weeks on end. At 7 years of age! She lost so much weight, had gastritis. She underwent 6 mosnths of therapy. And the root cause was our move, where she had to transfer to a new school. She did not want to make friends as she was afraid we would move again and she would have to lose her friends.

In one of our R talks some weeks ago, H wanted to tell D12 about our situation but somehow, something made me stop him. I told him what if it would trigger her anxiety. He said she's older now and probably not going to have it again. Well, this episode showed that she still is as fragile as ever. Thank God I was able to prevent him from telling her at that time.

Cyrena, I understand that I have to find my own happiness, separate from H. I am already looking for it, and was actually planning already to quit my present job in a couple of years, review for the licensure exams so I could practice my profession here in the USA. This I proposed to H as a way to prepare for our eventual separation, and he was very happy to commit to helping me out financially when this happens. In the meantime, I plan to DB my a** off!

I don't think that any of my plans will change at this point, I think I am just caught up in the emotion of the moment. The letter is just meant to clarify, and maybe propose a longer waiting period to H (our original plan is 2 years) before he starts working on D papers, etc. If it makes him decide to stay because of D12, I will just make the best of it then.