I'm going with the premise that this is the skill I need to improve upon when my W is displaying anger, frustration, and disappointment with me. I need to hang in there with the conflict, listen, let her know how her words effect me, and leave the conversation when it's becoming disrespectful.
My W began her personal training today. He worked her for a half hour. She was so inspired, she stayed at the fitness center for two hours. This activated her day, so she went and bought a watch, and some cheap wine for our home. The plan is for her to join me on nights I go to the fitness center to work out, in addition to our classes.
I'm frustrated about her unemployment and our cash flow situation, but find it easier to be patient with her when she's being productive and active during the day.
She responded to my email about the trip from Sunday in the form of one of her blaming rants. I think I'll probably ignore and delete it.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
On the way out the door to our dance venue last night, my W again started picking at me. I bacame frustrated and asked her stop picking at me. This served to escalate the situatiion. She walked out the door, pulled the car out of the drive, and began to leave without me. I was both relieved and disappointed. The cell phone rang. I picked it up, and she gave me the option of going with her. I knew that I had to face this conflict. I got in the car and listened to what she had to say.
She told me that she was disappointed that I had failed to acknowledge her accomplishments for the day. She had begun her day with a personal training session, and stayed at the fitness center for two hours afterwards. She went out afterwards, bought some wine for our wine rack, and a new watch for heerself.
We went dancing and stayed for about an hour and a half, a shorter but good night. We went to our favorite bar, where I began to relax. She said that she likes to go to this bar with me, because it's a place where I give her my attention.
At the bar, she told me if she's upset with me, for me to reflect upon, whether or not I've been kind to her. This is what she wants from me. I have a reputation on these boards for being a kind person. I think what she's referring to is the verbal expression of kindness, and emotional attunement and responsiveness.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
On the way out the door to our dance venue last night, my W again started picking at me. I bacame frustrated and asked her stop picking at me. This served to escalate the situatiion. She walked out the door, pulled the car out of the drive, and began to leave without me. . . .
She told me that she was disappointed that I had failed to acknowledge her accomplishments for the day. . . .
She said that she likes to go to this bar with me, because it's a place where I give her my attention.
At the bar, she told me if she's upset with me, for me to reflect upon, whether or not I've been kind to her. This is what she wants from me. . . .
Well, she's honest, I'll give her that, CL. I guess you've got some decisions to make. Personally, I could never live like that. Your wife seems unwilling to treat you better, and you seem unwilling to stand up to her, so I'm really sure how we can help you here.
It sounds like she needs affirmation from others. Make sure you can be that safe haven for her to give it to her.
I do need to be more mindful of this. I seem to respond more to her criticism. I don't give a lot of verbal strokes to her. She seems to be coming out of her hibernation, so it's important to encourage her along the way.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
It's going to take some practice learning to integrate a compassionate yet strong approach to dealing with my W, and also developing my personality for my own personal growth. I appreciate the 2X4's and the feedback. I do listen and think about what has suggested to me. I know some are frustrated with me, because I'm not hitting the ground running with their suggestions. It's a reflection of where I'm at on the learning curve. Some changes can be implemented immediately. We're talking about reinventing how I view myself and relate to my W and people in general. Reinventing oneself is a slow process. I have to incorporate the feedback and make it fit for me and my situation.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I was disappointed that my W didn't make it to her job-hunting group yesterday morning. She somehow talked herself out of it. We went to our dance class last night, which seemed to cheer her up. She continued to bond with a classmate who she likes, and may be moving close to where we live. She shared with me after class that she finds it's easier for her to nice to others, but she is unforgiving of herself. I told her that she has to find a way to begin to change that pattern.
I was reading in a book that when a situation becomes more difficult, if there is love, it will grow stronger. If the other person is an object to meet one's needs the relatonship becomes more conflictual. Most of us have a mixture of love-object relations with our spouses, and each of us must work on moving more into the realm of unconditional love. I know I need to work on this, as my W struggles with her unemployment, smoking, and developing healthy habits. She does not exist primarily to meet my material needs.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Read it today!!! Slaps self in forehead. It could really be this simple. Oh my gosh. Being the reader you are, I would have thought you read this book back in 2003 or 2004.
This could be the breakthrough you have been looking for.
They say people show love in their love language and they also tend to wound others using their love language. Words of Affirmation sounds like your wife's magic switch.
Umm...is that classmate male or female?
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
