Some speculation on my part, correct me if I am wrong:
It is complicated because you have never broken free from the emotional hold your parents have on you. Your R with your parents has played a huge role in the development of your personality, and in how you have acted in your M.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Some speculation on my part, correct me if I am wrong:
It is complicated because you have never broken free from the emotional hold your parents have on you. Your R with your parents has played a huge role in the development of your personality, and in how you have acted in your M.
Bingo. As i said, my parents fought a lot when i was a kid. Never learnt any conflict resolution skills from them other than having panic attacks. Along with this i also felt this huge guilt whenever i was enjoying myself. I felt bad for my parents. I think finally i am to a point where my parents dont behaviors dont bother me much. I am detaching from them.
I know i should have done this years earlier. Iguess better late then never.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
BITS: Need your help and feedback. I think W and I had an argument today and I am not how i should feeling. Whether i had a backslide or not.
So on Wednesday I called up to talk to daughter as scheduled. After talk, W gets on the phone.
W : "You know we are planning on putting daughter in that kindergarten. She'll start on march-21st. Can i take out the money for her school from our joint account"
Me : "Hey i thought that was what child-support was for"
W : " Oh child support will not start till april"
M : "Oh ok then, sure go ahead"
W : "Also she'll need uniform and other stuff. Can i take those out also from joint account"
M : "You know, let me check the accounts first. I still need to pay the credit cards"
W : "Oh ok...I'll manage it"
M : "You know what. Go ahead and take out what ever money you need for daughter's school and clothes"
W was quiet and then hung up the phone.
Fast forward today again after my conversation with daughter ended, W takes the phone. Tells me some info about bank and mentions that she'll take care of daughter's school expenses.
M "Hey i thought i was paying for it"
W "You know what, when i told you about the fees the first thing you said was you need to pay the credit card. Its always been about money for you"
Rather than verbatim of the rest of the conversation, enough to say that she was mad. Mad that i am still thinking about money first. Then she goes on to tell me if i even knew how hard it is for her right now and how hard it is for to find a job.
Then she said something that completely threw me off she said "You know it is so hard that daughter's shoes are getting tight and i need think how to buy shoes". Now why did she say that stuff!!. To give an idea, the only debt was have now is the house. Thats it. We are pretty good financially. When i heard her say that, my heart just sunk. I cannot see my family in that pitiful state. Was my W trying to make me feel bad ?? I am not sure.
The W went off telling me that this not her choice. but i did keep saying that she picked this choice. And because of this some decisions are going to cut-and-dry and thats how things are. Then again i validated her feelings saying that i now understand that she had to deal with a 34year child and a 3 year old child. But i said i need to get here to get a better place blah blah. Then i think we hung the phone at the same time.
I dont know. I feel like backslid. On wednesday did i do a mistake my not agreeing to pay for daughter's clothes right away? I feel terrible that now i have upset my wife. This is how i used to feel during our arguments. But now i am also feeling bit angry that W is still hanging onto that one thing where i did not agree with her right away on the money for daughter and holds it against me. I think she should have realized what she was getting into when she filed for D.
I dunno guys and gals. I'd love any feedback !
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
I think you did good. You did what I recommended and stood up for yourself when she tried to place the blame on you for her leaving. It was 100% her decision to leave, and she needs to accept responsibility for that decision. You made this perfectly clear. Make sure to keep reinforcing this. Do not let her place the blame on you. "I had no choice" is a cop-out. It needs to get into her head that she chose this for your family, you didnt make her do it.
Gonna have to comment on the rest another time, since it is super late and I am sposed to be asleep.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Yea i think i tried to follow some of the advice given in these forums. Validating them. Make sure that they understand it was their choice. Dont try to be defensive. Let them know that you are moving on with your life etc.
But at the end of the conversation, i felt more bad then good. these ran through my mind
1: Did i get her upset by being devoid of emotion (She was the one crying and i did not)
2: Why am i feeling so crappy for having told my wife that i need to check the balances before paying for daughter's school clothes. Should i feel bad for having said that? I did tell my wife that i gonna do anything for my daughter. But still wife was upset that i put money first before daughter. She knows very well that i am not that money minded crazy. I even told her that i did not take up a lawyer and decided to go by myself just so i can save some money for our family.
3: I have this feeling that she might be mighty upset when i plan on seeing her next sunday for the ceremony. I am not sure how her parents are gonna react here. They definitely heard our conversation(wife lives with her parents)
4: I feel that from time wife filed for divorce, this has been the first big argument. I always dreaded arguments with my wife and sort of went into shutdown when that happened. I felt the same yesterday, but later i recovered. I was trying to convince myself that i handled it okay. But one part of me still feels i messed up. I still have to build up that confidence in myself.
I dont mind getting 2x4's from you guys. I just want to know if i am on the right path here.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
1: Did i get her upset by being devoid of emotion (She was the one crying and i did not)
No, this is good. You need to show her you are strong. She can cry, you dont control that, only yourself (see my sig).
As for the rest you shouldnt be having arguments, you should be validating them away, and not participating in conflict when she initiates it. Do whatever you need to do financially, do not justify it to her, do not apologize, or feel bad about it.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Well one of my 180's was to stop my myriad hobbies and keep only one. So i took photos of number of tools in my garage and started posting them on craigslist. The selloff has started. Its been bittersweet. I hate to see all my tools go. I made some many things with them. But they have to go. I think i spent too much time with tools and hobbies less time working on my marriage.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
1: So from the above posts you can see that W had a meltdown on me on Friday(after i talked to my daughter) regarding a money issue that we talked on last wednesday. Today is my scheduled talk time with daughter in the evening. My feeling is to go ahead with the schedule to show that i am strong and things move on even though we might have some arguments. But a small part of feels if it would be better to go dark today and call wednesday (my next scheduled talk time). I'd love some feedback.
2: So W tells me that her family was planning on a ceremony coming sunday for daughter. She did not ask me to attend, but i think it was implied. But this has not been confirmed. I asked her about it last time i talked and she said that they are still deciding on the time. Should i again bring it up if we should talk or do i just let her tell me the time. I feel that if i ask her again, it would look like pursuing. But if i don't would it look like i don't care for my daughter? Not sure what to do here. help!
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
It doesn't matter what W thinks. If she says anything to you about you doing it to get to her, you make it abundantly clear that you are going to do whatever you think is best for your daughter, and you don't care what she thinks the motives are.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
