Cautiously Optimistic

[Queen_of_Swords]

I will endevour to keep forward momentum Bolt! Thank God I have a few wonderful people in my corner helping me with this. I can see how easily someone without that support and advice can end up in the high grass.

[Truegritter]

Thank God I have a few wonderful people in my corner helping me with this.

"I meant what I said, and I said what I meant

An elephant is reliable 100%"

Dr. Seuss

We are here!
We are here!

We are here Scylla.

I see this stuff sinking in a bit eh?

I like your new siggie.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Thanks Truegritter.

[Busting Mode]

If you break it down and are able to categorize the type of rejection it is, it becomes easier to handle.
It all hurts but

1)...it's not a big deal. It's not true and once that person knows me better they'll know I'm not that way.

2) ...it's not a big deal. It's not true, and that person is very negative and nothing I do or say will change their mind.

3)...it is true, and it is a flaw I have, but I'm working to change that the best I can, and on balance I have more strengths than weaknesses.

This is very powerful. I am going to copy it into my thread and see how I will answer it.

Did you answer the question for yourself, and what did you discover?

[Queen_of_Swords]

Did you answer the question for yourself, and what did you discover?

What question is that Busting Mode?

How I am rejected, and how I rejected my H too?

The answers are usually 1 and 3, mostly three for me given my H.'s very explicit list of my percieved flaws from his perspective.

My H. is not a negative individual in the main.

I certainly was moreso for reasons that are listed in other places in my posts, and that certainly affected how I rejected him.

The hardest person to know is yourself, and I have discovered so many uncconcious/subconcious motivators to my behaviours already. Knowing what they are is half the solution to addressing many of my flaws! You can't defuse what you're unaware of. You can't fix certain behaviours unless you know what drives them.

A benefit is I've also discovered who I truly want to be, how that person I am becoming behaves and what gifts personality wise I've also been given.

This is a life long process for me that I just started almost 2 years ago.

If I do not myself well, how can others close to me know me well at all?

It's bigger than that though BustingMode. How you were rejected by your family of orgin has a big role to play in both your and your W's interactions today. It got handed down like a really awful family heirloom

So did I answer the question for you. Probably more than you wanted.

I carry and have memorized what you found relevant on rejection in my head so I can evaluate and categorize the rejection I recieve now from anyone. It's made life a lot easier.

[Busting Mode]

Thanks Scylla.

Any perspective on why a woman might refuse to see something that threatens her model of the world?

I always felt I wouldn't mind my truth being tested, because if it held up against the test, my belief in it would be even stronger.

And if what I believed was true didn't pass the test, then I'm sure that is something I would really want to know.

But while this makes perfect sense to my rational mind, considering my emotions it's obvious just how fearful I can be of letting go and really putting things to the test.

Well, at the very least, hope this mental meandering about my sitch gives you something of value for your sitch.

One thing I know for sure is that it's time for me to get to work.

[spellfire]

Some good stuff here C. Keep up the good work.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Yes because that one thing may crack the whole foundation of what defines her. If you have a house built on a lie....
you do the math.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Not so optimistic today. Been feeling off all weekend. Reading about other people's situations have not helped. Seems hopeless.
H. told some members of my family he has no intention of every returning.
I feel like giving up. Who is this person? Did I really ever know him? My female freinds invest more into our friendship than my H. ever invested in our marriage or in me. I believe I never really asked for too much in our R, and now I just feel cheated and used.
Yes I know I made those choices - the feeling remains.

I am tired of this. 17 months apart and I feel I am treated like an inconvienence, an intrusion. My infrequent and necessary communications a nuisance. My position as our kids mother a fact he wants to erase. My existance something he wants to have as a dim and distant unpleasant flicker of memory, quickly suppressed.

Today I wonder why I just don't start and complete divorce proceedings and be unshackled to this man who finds me so odious, he can only talk about the superficial. So awful he would rather be anywhere but in our home.

[Busting Mode]

Scylla,

Most important is how you feel about you.

I can totally empathize with where you're at right now, so maybe this will help...

In my situation, anytime I don't like the way that I am feeling, and do my best to be objective and really listen to what my feelings are communicating.

It's difficult sometimes to really trust and listen to our bodies, but I find if I just lie down, relax, tune in to the feeling, and patiently wait for some kind of indication, more often than not I can finally hear what my body has to say.

I lie still, trying to pinpoint where the feeling is, I bring my full attention to it and then ask something like "What's the message here? What is this feeling really trying to tell me?"

When I see, hear or recognize that I have feelings I don't like, simply by acknowledging them and giving them space to speak, it's like I am validating my own self-worth, and that invariably starts making me feel better.

Once I'm feeling a little better - more confidence, more dignity, more self-respect, generally just feeling a little better - then I can begin to ask myself what I feel that I deserve.

A guy once told me that if you want to know what people think, listen to what they say.

But if you want to know what they believe, look at what they do.

People often kid themselves. They think they truly deserve better, but their actions show otherwise.

Only you can know your limits. Only you can set your standards.

But I do know that anyone who has consistently demonstrated the levels of love, integrity and commitment that is apparent in your posts, deserves to feel good about herself, deserves to have her needs fulfilled, deserves to be happy, and deserves to have an extraordinary quality of life.

Right now I'm just some guy sitting at his computer, but I want to know that I really appreciate your contributions here and I think you're an amazing person.