I haven't done everything wrong...

[2stepboogie]

It seems as though every once and awhile, I am starting wonder why it is that I even want to save my M.

This is normal. We all get to this point. Your answer is not found at this time. When you get to the other side things will become clearer.

[Rue]

what is detachment and when does it happen? If you detach is there no turning back. I think detachment wouldl make things easier but i still want to save my M. Im on week 2 of the LRT and there is nothing different. So frustrating.

[islander]

Rue, I am still struggling with detachment. They say fake it till you make it. I haven't done a very good job faking it, but I think I am starting to get there. It is kinda just something that happens if you start doing things for yourself. Right now I am not just focussed on the fact that my W has left me and is living with OM. It bothers me tremendously, I am still hurting, I have days when I don't want to get out of bed, but I am not letting those feelings control my life. I am starting to come to a point of accepting the reality of my sitch, and realizing that I will be ok, even if I am not right now.
For me, detachment is not feeling pain and hurting 24 hours a day, everyday. I still hurt. I still cry. But I am doing things for myself. I am not going out partying, but I have had my share of drinks with family. Right now, I am focussing on all of the projects I wanted to do around the house, and making it mine. So far this has been the thing that has helped me detach the most. My house is no longer reminding me every waking moment of what I have lost. It looks different, and I feel different.
I still want my W and family back, and would do whatever it takes to make that happen. But I am not going to wait around and do nothing while I wat for that to happen.
I don't know if that answered your question Rue, and I hope what I wrote was not just rambling. I was not somebody who could fake detachment. I wear my heart on my sleeve. But if you get up and get out more days than not, you will get there. Life will get better, and hopefully our WAS will join us one day. If not, it is their loss...

[ninelives]

Islander:

Hang in dude. I am EXACTLY in the same place you are in and going through the rollercoaster. Im not sure how much contact you have had lately with W , but that is what makes it so difficult. If she keeps throwing down pieces of hope for you to pick up, then it is even tougher to detach.

OM has not yet moved in with W, but that will happen I think anyday now. What can you do Islander. They may wake up and realize all the damage they are causing but do you really want them back if they only want to come back because they feel bad.

You want them back because they realize that they do in fact love you and that they made a horrible mistake. Not for the security and for the kids, those can all be factors but they MUST want to make it work with you. If not, Its bound to happen again or you will be trapped in a loveless marriage. These are the things I am trying to come to terms with.

I guess it is possible that the WAW will fizzle with her new relationship but that ususally takes time. No magic number but I have heard numbers from 6 mos to two years in the honeymoon phase with new man. Can you imagine being in this state for that long?

I cant imagine the health problems that would arise. Somehow, someway, you have to GAL and mean it. Easy for me to say because I have not been able to sustain it, could be something to do with the time of year as well. But think about it, they are out there with their new life and we are home in misery.

Its time to make things happen for you Islander. Continue with the activities you are doing and add a few more. I am drumming again and it helps. I dont think Drinking or partying is the answer but to each their own.

IF and thats a big IF, she decides she wants to come back, be in the position health wise to make the correct choice. Not one of desperation and pain. That is a short term fix that cannot be sustained.

All the best Man

9
BITS

[Rue]

Islander, maybe i have started some of the detachment phase altho i think im really fighting it. I had 2 good days last week where there were no tears. TOday i sit her thinking that any minute hes going to pull with a truck to get the rest of his stuff out of here. I will fall apart if that happens and i really dont know if it will. You said you would wait around for how long it takes if it meant your family would come back. I definitely do agree with you but theres 2 things that bother me about that. 1. Does the waiting longer slim the chances that it will happen because maybe they like their new life? 2. It really honks me off that we have to wait for something that they decided to create. For me its really hard to GAL since that life has been a homemaker for my H and kids for 29 years. I feel like now was it all a lie, all a fake because he said he was so unhappy? He never came to me with his feelings. He went to an atty a few times (i never knew about til recently) but never to me. Thats what really hurts because he decided to WA and it was only his decision. I havent heard from him in awhile and that is bothering me. Altho he did tell me to let it be for awhile. So many emotions!

Try and have a great Islander.

[islander]

W did not come by the house today. We rescheduled for Thursday. I told her if it was just about the bills to make sure they get paid and we could get together some other time. She said she wanted to come over and go over the gills and to discuss a few things, which is why we are meeting on Thursday now. I am a little worried about what she wants to talk about.

During our exchange of texts, I asked if I could take my SD out of town with me next week, and she agreed which surprised me. She had just wanted to take my D on a trip with her, but I didn't let her. She asked me of I wasn't going to allow her to see my D unless she came back home. I told her I never said that, and told her we could meet for breakfast the morning bf we go out of town.

I really wish I knew what she was thinking. Sometimes I feel like she makes little comments that lead me to believe she is second guessing her choices, but maybe I am reading into things to much.

[NotFromThesePart]

I want to chime in here because I think I'm kinda on the other side of the detachment thing. Have I given up? Maybe. Is there no turning back? Absolutely not! Do I still care? Of course! Do I love her. Of Course. Would I bend over backward to help her if she needed it. Sure.

The point is, my head is on straight and I've put myself first again. I don't have kids, but if I did they would be first. I can think for myself. I do things for myself, not for her. An example. She offered to come and see me over the holidays. When she did, it was clear it was for the wrong reasons. She was lonely and looking to me to salve her pain. I would have LOVED to see her. But I was able to say no and to tell her she should see her estranged family instead. Was this my last chance for R? Maybe. But if it was it wouldn't have worked. I can see it now. 3 months ago I couldn't.

Detachment is about working on yourself. Getting strong again. And in the end strength is very attractive. It just might be the thing that saves your M, or leads you to your next relationship, or makes you happy to be with yourself again.

[islander]

Well, I decided to change the day that I am supposed to meet my W. I am going to go fishing instead, and will meet with her the first part of next week. She has already changed the days three or so times on me, so why shouldntI do the same when there is something I want to do.

When we communicate, mostly by text, I only talk to her about our bills and kids. Anything else I just ignore. I am very worried about her want to file for D, and wanton to discuss my plans for the house. I am certain that is what she wants to talk about. I feel like the end of our M is right around the corner, and no amount of db will change that.

[Denver_2010]

Sounds like you are doing well Islander... Buy your M as much time as you can. I think that you staying dark is good for now. I know that it feels hopeless right now... but things can change in a hurry man. They can.

BITS
Denver

[MrBond]

IMO you need to start confronting a few things. You say you don't want to confront the OM. Fine.

Now you want to keep running away from talking to your W because you think she's going to talk about the D.

The brutal reality is that she has another man, so why would she want you right now? Start tackling things head on, on YOUR terms. Come up with the plan of what you want in the event of a D and have that ready to go.

Fact is that unless you start showing her that you're a man who is not going to sit back and take what she gives you, nothing will change. She's already committed the biggest sign of disrespect for you. Going out with OM. It doesn't matter what the reason is, it means that she doesn't respect you. Period.

Start BEING the man. How do you want to live your life if you were single? Write all that down.