H takes all the blame - why?

[angel61]

Virginia, PEI,

I don't find your posts harsh, on the contrary, they are like a loving mothers' admonition. You are right, I am at that point that I have no excuse for not DB'ing. I wil read and reread your post.

The forces that drive us though vary. The instinct for survival actually had me DBing even before I learned about DB. I remember during bomb time, instead of getting angry and begging, I actually listened to my H and agreed with a lot of what he said, asking why he did not tell me sooner, and he was so surprised that I did not get angry. Somehow, my H is still home, and I believe using the DB made me stronger, has kept me even keeled most of the time, able to work, at home I am always pleasant, we actually function like a normal couple in many ways, except that we both know that there are a couple of elephants in the room: OW/MLC and the threat of S or D. Most of the time I ignore those elephants (DBing mode) but once in a while I get claustrophobic and start kicking them and this is when I backslide.

The maternal instinct though seems to go over and above self preservation.

But my moment of weakness - my anxiety attack - was the direct cause of my D12's anxiety as well. I do admit that, and it has strengthened my resolve to not cave in and be more focused with DB'ing.

Well, I did get to say what I wanted and knowing H, it will take some time but he will digest it. He does come around, and he lets me know when I have said something that he accepts. Like the time I said that we should not sully our past with the present - that we should remember them as happy times because then how will D12 remember her childhood as happy. He embraced that wholeheartedly and I notice that once in a while now he is able to talk about past events openly, in front of me. He still has logic in him. We still do have a give and take dynamic somehow - he points out things to me, actually helps me DB by leting me know how he reacts to what I say and do. I tell him how I feel and what I think is logical and he considers them.

As I said at present he is in this eveything is my fault mode, he has stopped blaming me, I rarely hear that except with that bit about questioning what I say to D12.

Something hit me when you said that men want to be with someone who makes them feel comfortable. I know the OW has been verbal about her guilt, and this has made H point all the blame towards himself. I think the OW also has been having some mental health issues or medical issues cause I saw some doctors names (mental, endocrine specialists) scribbled on a piece of paper located in OW's city, as though H has been helping her search (she always depends on H to help her search for everything, as though she cannot go to Google herself, guess thats the helpless maiden act). H probably is now starting to feel the demands being made on him, both mentally and otherwise, and I sense him starting to be appear exhausted, running out of fight, for some reason.

I guess all the more I should be upbeat, healthy, stable and be the better option.

Lorie, I am glad you appreciate my putting down into words what I feel in my heart. Although H would probably not get to see it anytime soon(or maybe I will give him a copy if I see that he is willing to discuss, he told me last night that we should talk some more, I will take out anything that has to do with pressuring him to reconsider his choices, or finger pointing. I will see if I could approach this more as a team.

I just want him to know what I see will happen to D12 as a result of this situation we are in. He is a doctor, he understands mental health issues and actually was very instrumental in helping D12 overcome her first anxiety episode, as during that time I was a wreck.

Thanks again everyone.