So my W mentioned to me last night that I must have really low self-esteem.
Personally I think the opposite is true. With a low self esteem I think after the begging and pleading you would have found another woman to raise your spirits. No. Being the rock requires a good understanding of who you are.
Quote:
I just can't understand how she/they have no desire to work on things?
The feelings you are experiencing right now she was feeling 6 months a year ago. She has thrown up the white and now it is up to you to get her to re-engage.
I couldn't agree with 2Step more. It takes a lot of self-esteem and love to stand for your marriage when you are being discouraged. I can't imagine why she made such a statement.
This bank thing, SIC... it's going to throw her for a loop again. Slowly, but surely, her fantasy is being brought back to reality and they don't necessarily like this. You will be the easiest target. Watch out.
I understand needing the break, though. I'm glad you are looking at that as a positive.
You are NOT crazy for standing for your marriage or standing for the one you love. Someone needs to be the rock. That's got to be you. Don't ask me why you were the one chosen to do this job, but it's an important one. That doesn't make you crazy. It makes you responsible.
"The feelings you are experiencing right now she was feeling 6 months a year ago. She has thrown up the white and now it is up to you to get her to re-engage."
This is the most informative comment that I have recently read on these Boards. For the past 15 months I have been wondering why my wife doesn't want to work on things! I now realize that this is what she was experiencing from me over the past 10 years! Puts things into a whole new perspective for me.
I couldn't agree with 2Step more. It takes a lot of self-esteem and love to stand for your marriage when you are being discouraged. I can't imagine why she made such a statement.
This bank thing, SIC... it's going to throw her for a loop again. Slowly, but surely, her fantasy is being brought back to reality and they don't necessarily like this. You will be the easiest target. Watch out.
I understand needing the break, though. I'm glad you are looking at that as a positive.
You are NOT crazy for standing for your marriage or standing for the one you love. Someone needs to be the rock. That's got to be you. Don't ask me why you were the one chosen to do this job, but it's an important one. That doesn't make you crazy. It makes you responsible.
I'm praying for you.
LIS
Thanks LIS.
Ya she was pretty down when I got home yesterday, told me she can't get anywhere near the money she needs. I wonder if they talked to her about her "options"?
I feel these setbacks or reality checks for her are a good thing, but I also realize it probably isn't going to make her focus on the R/M.
She feels like I was the wrong guy for her, and that she never really loved me. I'm not really sure how we recover from that? Also, it's not like she's trying to find love with me either.
I read and article yesterday that said the physical emotions of love only last for 1-4 years. That in the start of a R there is "lust" that last's for 3-6 months.
So basically after 3 or 4 years, it's upto both of you to actual nourish the R to ensure the loving feeling last.
Now if I could only figure out how to trigger "lust" again in my W...errr ummm as it pertains to ME!
SIC
Me - 34 W - 33 M - 8 years T - 15 years D7, D5, D2 Bomb Nov 10/2010 "I'm not happy and INILWY" W Staying for the kids Mar 13/2011
She isn't going to focus on the R until the fantasy is dead. So, yes, I think it is a good thing.
Every one of spouses on here feel pretty much the way your W does. Heck, MWD wrote the words we all hear pretty much letter for letter. But you're right, we do need to find a way to nurture the love and the R. It's hard to do right now when we are not getting the responses that we want, but we still have to continue doing it.
I'm hoping that this trip she's taking will change the dynamic a bit. She's not had a chance to miss you yet because you are still living there together.
Try to hang in there SIC. You're doing a great job and sticking with the plan. That's all you can do for now. Be the rock.
Weird, even with the mortgage approval failure she stills seems excited that the new batch of houses will be released for sale on March 3rd. It kind of surprised me, as I'm not sure what's going through her head now.
2 nights until she goes away, and I'm having mixed feelings about it. I'm looking forward to having some space, and being able to spend some quality time with D2 and D5 but I'm also thinking about how I'm going to miss her and D6, and I'm also nervous as to how she is going to handle my birthday while she's away.
I'm planning to go visit my parents while she's away so they can see D2 and D5, but I'm not really looking forward to seeing my mother. I have a feeling she is going to just act like nothing happened between her and my W, because she believes she doesn't HAVE to deal with it.
I'm still planning to get together with just my M at one point to talk about it, but wanted to wait a bit longer until my anger subsides.
SIC
Me - 34 W - 33 M - 8 years T - 15 years D7, D5, D2 Bomb Nov 10/2010 "I'm not happy and INILWY" W Staying for the kids Mar 13/2011
I think that the break in the tension will do you both some good. Hopefully she'll start seeing reality because I think that she's still deeply entrenched in her fantasy.
What happened between mother and wife?
Listen, SIC, use your time to start reading a bit more. There's a book that I got, "Hold Me Tight" that has really explained to me what we're feeling and going through. It calmed me down because I understood that a lot of the anger we are going through is normal. It talks about how to work through that. Divorce Busting also has a facebook site that you should check out. There are a lot of articles on there that talk about how to make our way through this. For me, for instance it tells me 12 ways on talking to my man. Check it out. Let me know what you think.
SIC - just got caught up on your sitch. I agree with everything everyone has said.
Remember, you can control just YOU. I also think that if you did have low-self esteem you'd be out there on every on-line dating site etc. just to feel better about yourself and that you still have game. My H did that 2 weeks after he moved out. A good friend of mine told me that is to stroke the male ego and it really gave me a different perspective. Thing is, he is absolutely correct and for us LBS who work on ourselves in the end who do you think is going to be stuck and who will move forward?
Like LIS said, go the DB FB site. Great articles on there. I too have to pick up that book. I've been hesitant to buy it only because I'm not sure if it will help my sitch since my D date is about 4 weeks away.
I don't like the fact that your W says such negative things about you in front of your daughter. I'm glad that you told her that is unacceptable. That in itself should answer the question I asked above. :-)
Stay strong and sending positive vibes.
ZEN
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
She feels like I was the wrong guy for her, and that she never really loved me.
Tough words to hear! However do you really believe that you spend 15yrs with someone and not really love them?
I think you know the answer to that.
Quote:
physical emotions of love only last for 1-4 years
The in love experience! After that is over (and it ends for ALL of us) you are left with real love. The love you fight to keep, the love that requires work. If you make it out the other side you will be left with a stronger healthier R/M.
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
