Hi! This weekend went well. Friday went to din w/h and then home to watch a movie and have ice cream. I mentioned ML at the restaurant and he said "later." Then later came and went, and he was going to sleep. I asked what about ml, he said he was tired and that we could in the morn. before he goes to work. I was feeling like it wasn't going to happen (not believing him), but it did and it was great.
Later, went to party to play euchre then go bowling. A couple girls lifted up their tops at the bowling alley, h just joked about it and raised his hand to shield his eyes and said something like, "that's not something i want to see." So, I did't get jealous. I would have in the past! I would have cried and said I was scared that he would like these other girls, but I DID NOT!!! YIPPEE!!!
We got home really late and then slept in really late. Sunday is almost always a day for , but he was hungry, so we got up. He didn't hang with his buddy and he asked what "we" were going to do. I told him that i was going to my mom's to see my nephews and to church in the eve., and I DID. In the past, I might have blown these things off to be with him, BUT, I am doing things that I want to do; that make me feel better about me.
I came home and made dinner. He was teasing me, and I kinda took him seriously at one point, but he said he was kidding. I need to just KNOW that he is kidding and be able to joke back-b/c that really works with him, but I get insecure and take it personally. He has assured me that he is just joking almost all of the time! We went to bed, but didn't ml. He DID initiate snuggling. He also suggested where to get lunch on Sunday and I said, sounds good and went along w/him.
Quote: Do you feel that H is being more responsive? What would or would not make that be the case? Goals?
H is more responsive once some time has gone by from the last upset. It helps when I joke and play around with him A LOT. When I bring up sex early in the day or eve for later, this does NOT work. I think that I am flirting, but I know that it comes across as really insecure and needy b/c I am always so afraid that it is not going to happen. At this point in time, H can wait longer than I like to. But, I think that if I did back off (and I mean REALLY back off), yet maybe initiate if it really feels right and I'm not just doing it for affirmation, things would be a lot better in that dept. Right now, I think he takes it for granted b/c I always want it and am always available.
However, he is also very shy and not very aggressive. But, he CAN be and he knows that it turns me on when HE takes charge or flirts. Someday...sigh... So, if I could just wait a few days and let the desire and anticipation build up, I think it will be better. That is usually the case, but for some reason, I am more focused on quantity.
Cooking for him helps. He always thanks me and tells me it is good or whatever, and oftentimes he hangs with me in the kit. for chit-chat and comes up behind me to hug me. Last night he came up from behind to pretend like he was from behind and I pretended back. it was funny. Nice to know that he does think of it!!!
What works for ME is doing some things just for ME regardless of what h is doing. ie going to my room (I cleaned A LOT of it!!! I can see the floor and the bed!), walking the dogs, going to play vball or out with a ff, etc. I think when I take care of myself in this way, and realize that I do have other friends, that I feel more secure in MYSELF and less dependent on him. Church was great last night. I go to the contemporary worship and they had a concert last night. The music was really cool, and (don't make fun of me), I felt the holy spirit.
I really want to open myself up to God and have faith. I think that if I did have faith, that I wouldn't be so afraid all of the time. So, I am going to read more spiritual books, do a bible study, and pray on a more regular basis.
Posting again... I am trying to fight off some anxieties. When I was cleaning my room, I found some nice cards and a couple notes that H had written me way back when. It made me really sad b/c he does not do these things anymore. He keeps saying, however, that he does want to do these things, but just doesnt' feel comfortable putting himself "out there." He can be passionate, and can be romantic.
So, why do I get so afraid that he will never do romantic stuff or be expressive again? Or if he does start being more expressive, that it won't last? He has done nothing for me to not trust him. He can be very sweet, very sarcastic too , but sweet. I'm afraid that I'm screwed b/c my C told him NOT to reassure me, and words and physical touch are my LL's.
I know that if I can keep db'ing (THE KEY) and get along, that he WILL come along with me. -This goes along with what Trish was saying about me having to be the leader. In those good 6 weeks, we went to a different level of intimacy, and I actually felt really happy and like I was loving him freely...but then...I got scared and freaked out.
The question that you keep asking-what am I so afraid of? It looks like I am afraid to be HAPPY!!! Yes, yes, I AM afraid to be happy. Be it that I just don't think I deserve to be loved, or expect the worst to happen... I was not brought up to trust men AT ALL. And here, I have a great guy, who IS trustworthy, yet I don't trust him.
I know-it's not him, it's me, but as he asks, "how do I not take that personally?"
I guess I'm afraid that I am going to crash soon. Things have been good, we've been spending a lot of time together, and getting along. He even asked me if I would go drag-racing with him! (I thought this would be something he does with my uncles or "the guys") He also may have to go to Dayton to pick up some parts for his truck and suggested that I take a day off and we go together. He inquired about a winery being nearby (I don't know the area at all), and I did look at a map of Oh wineries that I have, and there are a couple a little farther away. So, we talked about going to the Cheesecake Factory in Columbus on our way home.
He was pretty affectionate on Saturday at the bowling alley. I had to say ILY b/c I was just enjoying being with him so much. He said it back nicely.
Tonight, my mom, my uncle, and h are meeting me at this restaurant by my work that I have talked about. I need to put on my happy face b/c I have been irritable today, and like I said, don't want to crash.
I know I am rambling, but I NEED TO NEED TO NEED TO find a way to get THROUGH this damn anxiety and not sabotage my m!!!
thanks for being here, i'm sorry for not being around more-sometimes it is b/c things are good, and sometimes b/c it hurts to read some stuff...and of course, b/c i don't have time!
You are doing good, girl! Hope you have a great time tonight! Just be strong and keep DBing like a pro!
I guess my lesson through all of this is...no matter how much time passes, as messed up as our childhoods were, we have to work extra hard to have a great R. We have to work super hard to do what we have to to keep our M together. Sometimes I get weak and want to cry and basically have a tantrum that I have to do this all alone, no help from H, and it's so extremely hard!!! But then I buck up and realize...that's life...that's just the way things are and I have to face that. We do have a choice.
Anyway, I am glad you are managing really well! I am so happy for ya! Go girl! Have a blast tonight! Debi
I put on my happy face and had a really good time last night being funny and chatty yet not overly talkative.
Went home and got ready for bed. Trying to back off from initiating ml all the time, etc. He said he was tired, so I reminded myself to not have expectations, and just let him sleep. We snuggle for a few and then flip to our sleeping positions. After a little while (I was still awake too talking to God), he got up and said he was going to read as he was not tired! So, I didn't say anything and resisted the urge to say, "I'll help ya pass out," if yaknowwhatimean...and let him go to the living room. Talked to God some more. I really WANT my H to WANT me...I know it is going to take some time for him to have more romantic feelings for me, but it is hard in the meantime.
But, while praying, I was reminded that I will not get from my h what I want as long as I still "need" it. I know people keep telling me this, but it helped to have it reitterated by what seemed like (or is) the big guy.
Today I sent him an email to let him know that I did not get the job that I iv'd for. He wrote back saying to have an extra beer tonight and to keep my chin up. I wrote saying that "my chin is up." and asked if he had found out anything about when I should take a day off. He wrote back saying that he was bein' lazy and hadn't called yet...and...get this...he signed it "loveooo" !!! He has only been signing his em's "me" and I started the loveoooo thing and have still done that sometimes or just put xxooxx. or "wifey." So !!!
Tonight I am going out with some girls and tomorrow I am meeting a friend for din. H hasn't told me if he is going out tomorrow night or not. He usually does if I do something. But, he also is practicing for a band audition that he has on Thursday. OH, so I won't be spending a whole lot of time then either. But ya know what?? I kinda feel like I don't care. Does that make sense?
I feel like I have a renewed sense of myself and am really rededicating myself to the Lord and believing in Him. IMO, if I could believe in Him, and give Him my cares/worries, that I would be much less anxious and fearful. (Not to use Him, but at least let Him do in my life what He intended w/o me screwing it up on a regular basis.)
Hi, I'm feeling a little blue. Last night I went out with gf's and had a good time. However, most of them have children so that's all that they talk about, so it is a little awkward for me. My close gf is trying to get pregnant.
Anyhow, I get home and h isn't home. He comes home after I've been sleeping and gets into bed. I say hello, he says hello. He doesn't kiss me. I ask how his night was and he asks me. Then I ask where he went and he was silent. I asked if he was falling asleep and he said yes, so I didn't talk anymore, and went back to sleep after lying awake for half an hour. I felt hurt that he made no attempt to give me a kiss or hug hello. I had once mentioned this to him that I want an x when he comes in and he said he didn't want to disturb my sleep, but i ALWAYS wake up when he comes in and said I would prefer that he does kiss me.
This morn, I said goodbye to go to work as he was still in bed. He did give me a couple hugs and kisses. I told him I had din. plans tonight and asked if he was going out. He said yes. Ok, fine...
So, why blue? It kind of hurt my feelings how he acted towards me last night. So, he was prob. drunk and tired and just basically "passed out," and it wasn't personal. Additionally, b/c when we went to Cleve. w/that couple (the gf I was with last night), h said that he didn't want to stay out late b/c he has to work sat's 9-2. So, why can he stay out until 2 when he has to work 7-5 on Thursd, but not when he works on sat.??? My friend and I brought this up and she said maybe there isn't anything to entice him into staying out late. Thanks...
I know...patience...he'll come around...etc...just having a hard time. Feeling like DB'ing my ass off until Aug. 12 (my 35 bday) and if he still doesn't know whether or not he wants to be married to me, to maybe walk...But, then am I just being commitment phobic??
Sorry to hear you are having a "blue" time. It bites, doesn't it? I wish those were few and far between for all of us.
Maybe H is "testing" you. I find it easier (for me) to think that my H is testing me when he does things that make me cringe and squirm. I know I would want to be certain that my spouse could keep their changes even when the times got tough. So we should expect them to maybe test the waters at times.
My H does the very same thing...does EXACTLY what I complain about, just to gage my reaction. Strangely enough, if we don't react the same way, they usually do what we WISH they would do in the first place. Does that make sense? Ugh! I need to sleep.
Hang in there, Karen. I have a feeling you will be a DB success story and we'll all be begging for you to give us advice! Hey...I already DO that!
Take care and I'll keep you in prayer. Do you read the bible? Lots of good stuff to keep ya on the right path!
Have a great V-day! Hope your H makes it the best yet! God bless! Debi
Hi! Well, things were better last night with h. Debi, I like your point about them "testing" us. Aren't we always being tested?
I went out to din. with a different ff, and h went out with his buddy. He got home and climbed into bed and was being nice and affectionate. Convo: h: how was your day? me: fine. how was yours? h: fine. What do you know? me? not much (it was 2am). What do you know? H: i know i missed you. me: WHAT? h: I know i missed you. me: WHAT? H: I know i missed you. me: can i get that it writing? ha ha... h: well, I haven't seen you much the past couple days. me: awww...thanks!!! i missed you too! then we went to sleep...
I was starting to feel sick again, so I went to the dr. today. My new boss was very nice and told me to do what i needed to do unlike my last boss.
Feel better emotionally. Just need to chalk h's mood Tuesday night up to being tired/being drunk/or just not in a good mood having NOTHING to do with me... I need to learn to be FINE with him acting that way. (Well, at least I didn't bi!ch at him like i would have in the past. Or CRIED!!!) OK, these aren't just baby steps!!!
I AM GETTING BETTER WAMMIT!!! I AM MAKING PROGRESS! Whether he acknowledges it or not, I need to continue to believe in myself and appreciate the changes that I have made for ME.
Read the chapter about sex in DR. It reinforced my idea of backing off. (at least until Saturday ) And, how nagging/crying is a turn-off. H has been very honest with me about this. Good. Just gotta keep it up.
, but he was hungry, so we got up. He didn't hang with his buddy and he asked what "we" were going to do. I told him that i was going to my mom's to see my nephews and to church in the eve., and I DID. In the past, I might have blown these things off to be with him, BUT, I am doing things that I want to do; that make me feel better about me. 
, but sweet. I'm afraid that I'm screwed b/c my C told him NOT to reassure me, and words and physical touch are my LL's. 
So, I didn't say anything and resisted the urge to say, "I'll help ya pass out," if yaknowwhatimean...and let him go to the living room. Talked to God some more. I really WANT my H to WANT me...I know it is going to take some time for him to have more romantic feelings for me, but it is hard in the meantime. 
