Posting again...
I am trying to fight off some anxieties. When I was cleaning my room, I found some nice cards and a couple notes that H had written me way back when. It made me really sad b/c he does not do these things anymore. He keeps saying, however, that he does want to do these things, but just doesnt' feel comfortable putting himself "out there." He can be passionate, and can be romantic.

So, why do I get so afraid that he will never do romantic stuff or be expressive again? Or if he does start being more expressive, that it won't last? He has done nothing for me to not trust him. He can be very sweet, very sarcastic too , but sweet. I'm afraid that I'm screwed b/c my C told him NOT to reassure me, and words and physical touch are my LL's.

I know that if I can keep db'ing (THE KEY) and get along, that he WILL come along with me. -This goes along with what Trish was saying about me having to be the leader. In those good 6 weeks, we went to a different level of intimacy, and I actually felt really happy and like I was loving him freely...but then...I got scared and freaked out.

The question that you keep asking-what am I so afraid of?
It looks like I am afraid to be HAPPY!!! Yes, yes, I AM afraid to be happy. Be it that I just don't think I deserve to be loved, or expect the worst to happen...
I was not brought up to trust men AT ALL. And here, I have a great guy, who IS trustworthy, yet I don't trust him.

I know-it's not him, it's me, but as he asks, "how do I not take that personally?"

I guess I'm afraid that I am going to crash soon. Things have been good, we've been spending a lot of time together, and getting along. He even asked me if I would go drag-racing with him! (I thought this would be something he does with my uncles or "the guys") He also may have to go to Dayton to pick up some parts for his truck and suggested that I take a day off and we go together. He inquired about a winery being nearby (I don't know the area at all), and I did look at a map of Oh wineries that I have, and there are a couple a little farther away. So, we talked about going to the Cheesecake Factory in Columbus on our way home.

He was pretty affectionate on Saturday at the bowling alley. I had to say ILY b/c I was just enjoying being with him so much. He said it back nicely.

Tonight, my mom, my uncle, and h are meeting me at this restaurant by my work that I have talked about. I need to put on my happy face b/c I have been irritable today, and like I said, don't want to crash.

I know I am rambling, but I NEED TO NEED TO NEED TO find a way to get THROUGH this damn anxiety and not sabotage my m!!!

thanks for being here, i'm sorry for not being around more-sometimes it is b/c things are good, and sometimes b/c it hurts to read some stuff...and of course, b/c i don't have time!

love,
karen