Last night W and I switched the responsibility of her cell phone from me to her. She was hoping that I would still help her pay for it, but I told her that I can’t given everything that has happened. We talked for about an hour and it got interesting.
I’ll cut to the chase on the conversation: W: I realize that you were going to get hurt when I told you I was unhappy and wanted to move one. I never meant to hurt you anymore. M: Yes. W: I hid things from you and lied to you thinking that I was protecting your feelings, but I made things worse. You know that I have never lied to you before this and I feel really bad that I hurt you more. I’m sorry that I lied to you. M: Wow, I appreciate more than you know that you are admitting your mistakes and taking responsibility for them. We are all human and we all make mistakes. The things that you did were very hurtful, but you know what? It might be hard to forget, but (looking her into her eyes) I forgive you.
W is beginning to talk more and more about the positive things in our relationship. This has been happening more often in the last few days.
It was raining when we got home, so I came around to open her door with the umbrella. As she got out, she put her arm around mine while I walked her to the front door.
I was afraid how this night was going to go. I’m glad it turned out the way it did. I keep telling myself in my mind as I interact with my W, “fake until you make it”, “validate”, “is this going to get me closer to my goal”, and “this is a marathon, not a sprint, patience”.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Very, very well done on your conversation, LITB. There sure a lot positives there. I'm glad you've been able to practice DRing so soon after the bomb...I think it's working to your benefit. Just don't mess up now!
Thanks Alamo. Believe me, W still says some other things that sting, but I just try to let them roll off my back and validate them when necessary. Mostly things about moving forward in our separate lives.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Thanks Alamo. Believe me, W still says some other things that sting, but I just try to let them roll off my back and validate them when necessary. Mostly things about moving forward in our separate lives.
[/quote]Are the two of you living apart? Just curious? [/quote]
Yes, for another month from today. I'm not looking forward to her moving, but my plan is to use the time wisely. If it is God's will, my sitch will turn around before then. If not, I think reality will hit her very hard when she leaves.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
[/quote]Are the two of you living apart? Just curious?
Yes, for another month from today. I'm not looking forward to her moving, but my plan is to use the time wisely. If it is God's will, my sitch will turn around before then. If not, I think reality will hit her very hard when she leaves.[/quote]
I think you mentioned that you have the kids, right?
Yes, the kids will be staying with me until mid July. That is her plan right now and I'm going with it for the sake of peace. However, I do have the right to change our agreement and might just decide to keep them here depending on what transpires over the next 4 months.
Hopefully it will not get to that point. I suppose I can move too. Both of our families live in the same place. Many things to consider, but just have to take one day at a time.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
W: I realize that you were going to get hurt when I told you I was unhappy and wanted to move one. I never meant to hurt you anymore. M: Yes. W: I hid things from you and lied to you thinking that I was protecting your feelings, but I made things worse. You know that I have never lied to you before this and I feel really bad that I hurt you more. I’m sorry that I lied to you. M: Wow, I appreciate more than you know that you are admitting your mistakes and taking responsibility for them. We are all human and we all make mistakes. The things that you did were very hurtful, but you know what? It might be hard to forget, but (looking her into her eyes) I forgive you.
Why isn't anyone talking about the elephant in the room?
Let me give an example:
W:I realize that you were going to get hurt when I told you I was unhappy and wanted to move one. I never meant to hurt you anymore.
You: Telling me me you were unhappy is NOT what hurt me! The A with OM, breaking apart our family, and the lies to cover up what you were doing is what hurt me!
W:I hid things from you and lied to you thinking that I was protecting your feelings, but I made things worse. You know that I have never lied to you before this and I feel really bad that I hurt you more. I’m sorry that I lied to you.
You: Well, affairs tend to cause married people to lie and hide things from the S.
So, were you forgiving her for the affair when you looked right into her eyes? Maybe it's just me, but I would place the A a bit more important than the lies, b/c if it hadn't been the first....the second wouldn't have been necessary.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You are absolutely correct sandi. I thought I did well with the convo, but your points are all valid. I'm sure that the opportunity for a rebuttal to that conversation will present itself again. I wasn't expecting any kind of apology, so I wasn't prepared to throw the ball back in her court.
That was a perfect opportunity to make her accountable for her actions. I wasn't forgiving her for the A. Honestly, it didn't even cross my mind to swing for the fences on the A.
The advice is much appreciated. Keep it coming.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
The pain you are experiencing must make it very difficult to think at all. I have read where it's wise to imagine certain conversations or reactions from the WAW....and think about your best responses to them. I've even read where some men would practice saying something so if/when that time presented itself, he would not fall under the frustration....confusion....or surprise of it all.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
