So what do I do from here? Do I just start over from square one or does my opening up to her basically mess all of that up. Is there a way to go dark without me making her feel like I hate her? Or should I just really not care if she thinks I hate her?
It must be so terribly hard for a LBH to suddenly switch his brain into thinking he is not to shield her from negative feelings about him. Protecting her physically and emotionally has been your job and suddenly we come along and tell you to stop. Backsliding is a common in our community, but I don't think anyone has ever been booted out.
I respect what you've said regarding dating, etc. That is a personal area that individuals must decide, but I would like to suggest something to you. But first, let's go back to where you caved and told your W everything. Does that mean you only spoke about your feelings for her.....or did you tell her you were in an on-line support group or getting help for the M?
Anyway, it's not too late to still work things out. Yes, you will probably have to start at square one again...but that's okay as long as it's not weekly or you won't feel you are progressing.
There is a lot of talk about feelings while going through this bad experience. The feelings of your children, your own pain, how your W may feel. The point of not wanting her to think you hated her prompted you to express your strong feelings of love. So, here's what I want you to try to do: Stop thinking about your feelings. At least put them on the back burner for a while, b/c you need to think about your "attitude".....not feelings. It's all about attitude!
It's your attitude that people see. It's what type of attitude you decide to have that determines, really, what kind of an emotional day you have. It's your attitude that determines the approach of other people and causes others to think what they do about you. I could go on & on with "attitude", but I hope you'll see where I'm going.
Sure she has broken your heart, and now you have assured her that you still love her and have no intentions of ever dating another woman. You've expressed to her that you don't agree with her choice of wanting a D. Okay, now she knows and there is no reason to ever tell her a second time around as long as the two of you are S. Those were words that probably lifted her spirits, but that will not last long until she begins to observe you more closely. You want her, as well as others, to see an OUTSTANDING attitude. What do you want her to see in you?
Forget about talking! That's where a lot of LBH's mess up. They keep thinking something will be said that will cause her to change her mind. I don't recall a case that happened that way. But, what I do recall woking in each case was the walk-away forgetting about her original desire to leave b/c she's too busy wondering about the LBH. What is he thinking about her? What is he doing without her? Would he even consider giving her another chance?
Before you got M, did you have an idea of what was attractive to women? I bet you had some idea or you'd never had a date! That's where you need to get yourself. If you don't want to go out with women, okay.....but don't discuss it with your WAW.
Got to go for a little bit. Talk later.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
