Please read and reread Virginia’s post. She’s said it much more eloquently and tactfully than I probably will.
I can tell you that the people that challenged me the most, the one’s I thought didn’t understand me or my situation, the one’s I thought were being harsh and critical, are the people who’s perspective and advice helped me the most.
By your own admission, you are modelling anxiety and fear and panic for your daughter Angel. Her feelings are coming from a combination of your H’s behaviour and your reaction to it ... not to mention any pre-existing anxiety issues she may have.
Leaving no stone unturned sounds good in theory, but it’s also an excuse to engage in behaviour that you know, or have the ability to know, is not going to move you towards your goal. DB is counter intuitive, and as such requires a conscious effort to engage in. It will feel unnatural and will not align with traditional and ingrained ways of handling situations.
Angel, Lorie and anyone else reading this thread ... PLEASE read Virginia’s words carefully ... put your pride aside for a moment if it tries to surface, and it likely will ... it’s not fun to come to a realization that we are also still contributing when we want to focus our blame and pain on our WAS.
DB is not just a set of techniques to manipulate someone back into our lives ... it is a set of skills and tools we should integrate into our lives and our interactions with everyone ... our S, our children, our friends and family. To be the people we need to be in order to truly incorporate the DB mindset and philosophy takes a major shift. It’s work. Hard work. But it can be done. Even by recovering insecure control freaks like me
(((Angel))) Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
