Not Sure Which Way to Go

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Is there a way to go dark without me making her feel like I hate her?

Yes,
you live by a code. Your code or boundry you believe in.

You don't allow her to cross those beliefs of yours. Standing firm in what you believe is attractive.
That's where your boundary comes into play. If she feels like you hate her, that's on her. Let her feelings be hers.

She heard that I still care and miss her and now she is back to not talking to me. Before I told her she was trying to talk to me in any way she could.

You started to persue again. She was testing you and you failed.

We all do/did it. Now just don't let it happen again.

Do you think she will get back to the wanting to talk to me. I think this is the key to getting a chance to R.

You're still concerning yourself with her issues.
Don't listen to what she's saying, start looking at her actions.
The whole hugging thing was a test. Your trying to save her. Let her deal with her emotions for herself. Your job is to understand and validate, not to solve her issues.

[downandoutintn]

I'm not so much worried about what she says but about her saying anything. If she starts pursuing me to some degree I feel like that is a small step.

As far as the saving her you are right on that. It is a natural for me and I'm sure for others that have been with someone for 10 years. That is one other thing I have to do to detach further.

I am a lot better now than last week. She is not controlling my emotions like I was letting her. I was more angry at myself for giving in than I was hurt by her reaction. I definitely bounced back a lot quicker than I would have last week. Last week I would have been depressed this week I think it is funny that I can kind of predict her action based on what I have read here.

She has many more problems coming down the pike financially and she will not have me to fall back on. My last financial issue with her is taxes and that is just about dealt with.

[downandoutintn]

So W and I had another conversation at lunch. We had to confirm our plan on taxes for this past year. Once that was taken care of I told her well I will have the kids call you later once they wind down for bed. Then she kept me on the phone and asked a question that I thought were really weird.

W: How do you feel about me seeing other Men.

Me: Honestly, I don't want to see you dating anyone else and it will probably hurt to see you dating other people. I don't believe the D is the best decision but that is your decision and ultimately I want to see you happy. I can not control what you do and I realize that. I can only control what I do.

Then she told me that a lot of guys have been hitting on her since they are starting to find out that she is getting divorced. She says that is overwhelming her and she doesn't really like it. She said that she doesn't want to be settled down with anybody anytime soon. She said that if they knew she was crazy then they wouldn't want to deal with her. Through this part of the conversation I just listened and validated her feelings. Most of it was her talking and me just validating.

I was really surprised that she kept me on the line. At the end I found out she had a client which makes even more uncommon. Even when things were on good terms this is not something she would do.

Anybody want to analyze this? I see this as being another baby step.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Anybody want to analyze this?

i GIVE IT A GO

I see this as being another babystep

We are definitely seeing things differently.

W: How do you feel about me seeing other Men

.
HUGE RED FLAG!!!!

Why in the world would a woman ask her H this if there was an attraction to you.

Just her saying this may mean she has already made that step.

Ihave experianced the same situation.
She lost her attraction to you. You're too nice about the situation.


What worked for me was when I started dating OW. When OW tokk an interest in me my value increased. Women want men with value.
Right now you have now value to her b/c she can have you at a drop of a dime. Shes knows that. It's when you appear to have no interest in her a are moving on with your life without her, then she will feel she's losing you.
People instinctively want what they can't have.

Start by stop taking her trivia calls.
These are still crumbs for you. You think talking to her will make her change her mind.
There is nothing you can say the convince her you are the best option, nothing.
You can only show her.

W: How do you feel about me seeing other men? Since people know I'm getting D I am getting hit on more.

You: W, I think that's a great idea. In fact I have had OW interested in me now too.

You validated her feelings and you flipped to sitch.

It has been seen here many a times. Once the WAW sees you interacting with OW and you're happy, something changes in their thinking. That's what works, it worked for me.
I'm not saying go out and sleep with OW but start talking to them and learn the art of flirting again.
Start with a cashier at the local store. Smile, say hi and have an upbate tone.

You will start to feel better about yourself and others will notice.

The is a big step and I undrstand why you won't act right away. It took me time too.

You may be thinking that if you show interest in OW that your wife will think you have no interest in her.
That's part of the attraction. She will then start DOING things to get your attention b/c she can't have you.

Again stop these meaningless phone calls. Let her talk to the kids and that's it. You get busy. You have things to do, stop wasting time talking to her when you have the kids.
Be the best father when you have the kids and then have fun when you don't.

gr8

[downandoutintn]

Anybody want to analyze this?

i GIVE IT A GO

I see this as being another babystep

We are definitely seeing things differently.

W: How do you feel about me seeing other Men

.
HUGE RED FLAG!!!!

Why in the world would a woman ask her H this if there was an attraction to you.

Just her saying this may mean she has already made that step.

Ihave experianced the same situation.
She lost her attraction to you. You're too nice about the situation.


What worked for me was when I started dating OW. When OW tokk an interest in me my value increased. Women want men with value.
Right now you have now value to her b/c she can have you at a drop of a dime. Shes knows that. It's when you appear to have no interest in her a are moving on with your life without her, then she will feel she's losing you.
People instinctively want what they can't have.

Start by stop taking her trivia calls.
These are still crumbs for you. You think talking to her will make her change her mind.
There is nothing you can say the convince her you are the best option, nothing.
You can only show her.

W: How do you feel about me seeing other men? Since people know I'm getting D I am getting hit on more.

You: W, I think that's a great idea. In fact I have had OW interested in me now too.

You validated her feelings and you flipped to sitch.

It has been seen here many a times. Once the WAW sees you interacting with OW and you're happy, something changes in their thinking. That's what works, it worked for me.
I'm not saying go out and sleep with OW but start talking to them and learn the art of flirting again.
Start with a cashier at the local store. Smile, say hi and have an upbate tone.

You will start to feel better about yourself and others will notice.

The is a big step and I undrstand why you won't act right away. It took me time too.

You may be thinking that if you show interest in OW that your wife will think you have no interest in her.
That's part of the attraction. She will then start DOING things to get your attention b/c she can't have you.

Again stop these meaningless phone calls. Let her talk to the kids and that's it. You get busy. You have things to do, stop wasting time talking to her when you have the kids.
Be the best father when you have the kids and then have fun when you don't.

gr8

There is one thing that was left out in previous updates and this is why I see this as a baby step. We discussed this topic previously. I told her I didn't care who she saw and she shouldn't care who I saw. That night she contacted the OM for the first time. Now she has said that she has cut contact with OM and is overwhelmed by people asking her to go out with them.

[downandoutintn]

Another question. I thought this board was about saving marriages. What sense would it make for me to go out and find OW? That would not make sense legally or morally. I feel that pain and sometimes wonder if that is what I should do, but if that is the extent I have to go to save my marriage then count me out. Just because she could be doing something doesn't mean I should do it. I am not confused about what I want. All this could do for me is ruin my life mentally, and financially. I don't have an ego that I need to build up. I am not ready to pursue someone else or I would and I wouldn't be here.

[sparks14]

Another question. I thought this board was about saving marriages. What sense would it make for me to go out and find OW? That would not make sense legally or morally. I feel that pain and sometimes wonder if that is what I should do, but if that is the extent I have to go to save my marriage then count me out. Just because she could be doing something doesn't mean I should do it. I am not confused about what I want. All this could do for me is ruin my life mentally, and financially. I don't have an ego that I need to build up. I am not ready to pursue someone else or I would and I wouldn't be here.

I agree with you here. You do not need to go out and meet other women to make your W feel like you are an attractive commodity. Just take care of yourself, detach from the little things with you W, flip a behavioral switch that shows your best qualities (the qualities that made her want to marry you in the first place), appear self confident and secure in yourself.

That does not mean start dating and parading around your W with all of these girls that are interested. That is the game she is playing. That does not mean you have to play it, too. Just brush it off.

[sandi2]

So what do I do from here? Do I just start over from square one or does my opening up to her basically mess all of that up. Is there a way to go dark without me making her feel like I hate her? Or should I just really not care if she thinks I hate her?

It must be so terribly hard for a LBH to suddenly switch his brain into thinking he is not to shield her from negative feelings about him. Protecting her physically and emotionally has been your job and suddenly we come along and tell you to stop. Backsliding is a common in our community, but I don't think anyone has ever been booted out.

I respect what you've said regarding dating, etc. That is a personal area that individuals must decide, but I would like to suggest something to you. But first, let's go back to where you caved and told your W everything. Does that mean you only spoke about your feelings for her.....or did you tell her you were in an on-line support group or getting help for the M?

Anyway, it's not too late to still work things out. Yes, you will probably have to start at square one again...but that's okay as long as it's not weekly or you won't feel you are progressing.

There is a lot of talk about feelings while going through this bad experience. The feelings of your children, your own pain, how your W may feel. The point of not wanting her to think you hated her prompted you to express your strong feelings of love. So, here's what I want you to try to do: Stop thinking about your feelings. At least put them on the back burner for a while, b/c you need to think about your "attitude".....not feelings. It's all about attitude!

It's your attitude that people see. It's what type of attitude you decide to have that determines, really, what kind of an emotional day you have. It's your attitude that determines the approach of other people and causes others to think what they do about you. I could go on & on with "attitude", but I hope you'll see where I'm going.

Sure she has broken your heart, and now you have assured her that you still love her and have no intentions of ever dating another woman. You've expressed to her that you don't agree with her choice of wanting a D. Okay, now she knows and there is no reason to ever tell her a second time around as long as the two of you are S. Those were words that probably lifted her spirits, but that will not last long until she begins to observe you more closely. You want her, as well as others, to see an OUTSTANDING attitude. What do you want her to see in you?

Forget about talking! That's where a lot of LBH's mess up. They keep thinking something will be said that will cause her to change her mind. I don't recall a case that happened that way. But, what I do recall woking in each case was the walk-away forgetting about her original desire to leave b/c she's too busy wondering about the LBH. What is he thinking about her? What is he doing without her? Would he even consider giving her another chance?

Before you got M, did you have an idea of what was attractive to women? I bet you had some idea or you'd never had a date! That's where you need to get yourself. If you don't want to go out with women, okay.....but don't discuss it with your WAW.

Got to go for a little bit. Talk later.

[downandoutintn]

Thanks sandi that is more of the advice I was looking for.


gr8 i wasnt trying to call you out but I just don't think that was the answer. I just don't morally believe in that. If you mind and heart is with one woman then you shouldn't physically be with a different woman. If you have detached to the point you don't care at all then that is different and that was probably what happened in your case. So be it. I don't want to hurt somebody else the way I have been hurting. At this point it would make me just the same as my W. I can't be anything outside of friends with other women now. It is not fair to the other woman.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Down,

I am not telling you to go out and develop a R with OW.

However friendly interaction with OW will do you good.

I agree with you on that you should mislead OW with your intentions. So be friendly then. Joke around with your friends Ws if you all go out together.
Don't isolate your thought about your W being the only womean out there that you can be happy with.

I have a friend that used to be on here that chose not to go out with OW. That was his belief. I respect that.

As for me, I did agree with it too. But when I met my W to discuss the dividion of our assets and the custody schedule for our kids, she looked me straight in the eye when I asked her if she wanted a D and she said yes.
I then asked if she thought it was the best thing for us. Again she said yes.
It was hard but I had my answers.
Two weeks later I found out she slept with OM.

Those two instances made it easy for me to drop the rope, detach and move on. And yet I still cared


two months later I chose to go out with OW b/c I had no future with my W.


Are you ready for that news?
How are you going to feel when you find out your W slept with OM?

I was sick for weeks.

my advice comes from experience. I would love for you and your W to work things out.

I know talking and being nice doesn't work. I'm not saying go out of your way to be a jerk.
no, no.

You have code that you will not go out with OW. Great!
What are your codes about being mistreated by your W?

These codes(Boundaries) are essential and define who you are.

When your W ask about seeing other people should be a major concern for you.

Remember this T E A.

Thoughts, Emotions, Actions.

Your W is already having thoughts and I'm guessing see is just about to cross the emotions line. That leads to action.

I'm all for saving M.
Some times tough love is the way to go.

I know sometimes we hear things here that we don't agree with. That's OK, however just b/c we don't agree with it doesn't make it wrong.

I will stop dispensing my thoughts towards your sitch.
I wish you luck.
gr8