Are you sure that talking to one of the DB phone counselors wouldn't help you get clearer? I'd rather see it be used for a good purpose than just evaporate... You might want to post a question over at MLC forum, too.
I haven't been in your shoes, so I have little to no idea.
I didn't find this site until the divorce was in process. Ex was around all the time for about a year after he moved out but I wanted him to the end his affair. I was an emotional mess. I begged, pleaded,guilted...well you name it. You see what happened here. He married her.
I would have maybe had a real chance if I had found this site earlier. Keep working on you hon. Focus on making yourself happy. You are vey special. Give yourself some credit.
Kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
mish lose the victim mentality. And I dont mean you blame others or any similar thing. I mean lose the "oh I cant do that" mentality. I know it's hard but sometiems I am reading yoru posts and I am thinking "is she blid, crazy, nuts?" You know why? Because all this time "I have known you" and your life, YOU ARE doing a lot of difficult and amazing things and you have faced successfully some really hard challenges. Why cant you see that? Why cant you recognise that?
You can talk to Gabe, you can be clear, you dont have to be afraid. Havent you learnt anything? ANYTHING? Sometimes I get mad at you. I apologise but you need to wake up and see who you are and what you are capable of. K
mish lose the victim mentality. And I dont mean you blame others or any similar thing. I mean lose the "oh I cant do that" mentality. I know it's hard but sometimes I am reading your posts and I am thinking "is she blind, crazy, nuts?"
You know why? Because all this time "I have known you" and your life, YOU ARE doing a lot of difficult and amazing things and you have faced successfully some really hard challenges. Why cant you see that? Why cant you recognise that?
You can talk to Gabe, you can be clear, you dont have to be afraid. Havent you learnt anything? ANYTHING? Sometimes I get mad at you. I apologise but you need to wake up and see who you are and what you are capable of. K
I think I'm back to shutting up and marking time. If I open my trap then I risk what I do have. If I stay silent I risk losing my mind and soul.
So which is riskier? You can survive without him. You've made it on your own.
Originally Posted By: mishka422
Neither is a good option so I'm trapped.
So think of a third option.
Originally Posted By: Kalni
lose the victim mentality. And I dont mean you blame others or any similar thing. I mean lose the "oh I cant do that" mentality. I know it's hard but sometimes I am reading your posts and I am thinking "is she blind, crazy, nuts?"
You know why? Because all this time "I have known you" and your life, YOU ARE doing a lot of difficult and amazing things and you have faced successfully some really hard challenges. Why cant you see that? Why cant you recognise that?
You can talk to Gabe, you can be clear, you dont have to be afraid. Havent you learnt anything? ANYTHING? Sometimes I get mad at you. I apologise but you need to wake up and see who you are and what you are capable of. K
AND YES YES YES YES YES!!!!!!!
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Hey Mish.. I dont know whats precipitated this latest round of frustration from you.. but you are in a bit of a stalemate hey.
What happened to the suggestions of applying Db principles again? As Donna posted (I read that to help me deal with H).. it talks about focusing on yourself and GALing and feeling worthy in yourself, without the need of validation from someone else.
Beucase thats it isnt it.. you seem to measure yourself all teh time in other peoples eyes.. Gabe doesnt want to commit/doesnt love me enough.. therefore I am rubbish/weak/unworthy.. he only came back to me out of convenience and comfort.. blah blah.
Mish, as my sister once said to me.. there are 6 billion people on the planet, you are not defined by just ONE person.
And as for this hun... "No more whining, playing the victim (except of my own stupidity), or talking about it here.
No amount of talking it out is getting my head in order so it's futile.
Moving on from this subject."
Can you quit making empty promises like that!!?? I've heard it before and its not realistic.. this isnt a place to come and chat about mundane issues and the weather, this is a forum for you to vent, journal and get help etc.
You need to take some focus off Gabe.. he may even sense it and find it stifling.. you need to focus on you. DB101 hun.
Yes and why not use Donna's Db session, if they'll let you transfer it?? Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I had an interesting weekend and beginning of the week. All of it good if not great! I haven't felt this free in YEARS!
It all started on Saturday. I bought Gabe tickets for V-day to go see George Lopez (a favorite comedian for those who don't know who he is) and the show was Saturday night. Gabe took the day off (after nearly not being able to and threatening to quit because of it)and we spent the whole day together just doing the mundane around the house. We went to dinner and the show and it felt like old times. Lots of hand holding and touching. Very nice. Sunday was just a beautiful day. Went to lunch with a friend and some shopping. Gabe was extra attentive when he came home from work. Again....just really nice. Monday morning, out of the blue, he sent me a text that said, "I love you. Don't forget that. Ever."
HOLY HANDGRENADES OF ANTIOCH!!!!!!!!
My heart almost stopped. I've been feeling so much coming from him lately but I was afraid I was just interpreting it the way my heart wanted to and I wasn't using my head. Apparently, he used text to say what he was having a hard time getting out of his mouth. I told him I loved him more than words could say and that was that.
Things are opening up. Slowly. That is good. The frustration I've been feeling has eased a little. I now know that he does have feelings toward me and it's not just convenience so I feel better about things now. I've never said I think we should get married, make tons of future plans, nothing like that. I just needed to know if he felt anything toward me. Simple. That's it.
I got my tax refund and it was a pretty decent amount. I had paid off all of my bills with mom's life insurance so I don't have anything but the monthly typicals hanging over my head right now so.....I found a good deal on a cruise for Spring Break and I'm taking Marc. We are taking a 7 night Western Caribbean out of Tampa. We go to Grand Cayman, Cozumel, Belize, an Isla Roatan. Can't wait! Just a month away! I haven't been on an actual vacation (not going to stay with family) in 9 years!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Imagine instead you had a BIG TALK after George Lopez. You cornered, told him you had to know how he felt, what he wanted, blah blah blah. Suppose even that he had in response said the same thing: "I love you. Don't forget that. Ever."
How would you have felt???? Would EITHER have you known whether it was an authentic statement? He probably wouldn't have. And I'm pretty darn sure you wouldn't have. I can hear it now, "Oh, he just said that to get me to shut up/to make sure he kept his free rent/to avoid a confrontation while he plots leaving...." Blah blah blah.
Giving him SPACE to figure out what he wants and to show you both is YOUR CHOICE. You don't get to control what happens. It is risky, but it is the only way to give YOURSELF a chance to enjoy possible benefits that can't be had any other way. This means also, of course, accepting the possible costs.
Giving Gabe space is NOT about eggshell walking, suffering silently out of fear you can't do better, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.
It is about YOUR power and strength to choose what possibilities you want to allow in your life. You have GOT to own that choice to be in a position of strength and love toward yourself.
When you want more from Gabe then you have, you have to reflect: are the potential benefits worth the potential costs. YOU CHOOSE and own that choice. Sometime, the answer might be "no." But even then, the answer is to set your boundary. Report about you. Not grill/corner.
So please please please, next time you find yourself strolling toward your comfortable long-suffering, can't hope for more, not good enough to deserve more, I'll take make stale crumbs and mope victim rut, reject it.
Your choices for your own reasons to make a good life for you. Period. That's it. You are not a victim here. You are the creator of possibilities in your life. Choose them well and own those choices with power and love toward yourself.
P.S. Are you starting to feel as though you were a bit arrogant in your beliefs about what Gabe could/would do/be? If so, recognize that feeling. Pay attention. Being able to grok that is a VERY powerful thing in one's life, far beyond your R with Gabe.
