Karen it looks like you are already making some changes in your attitude!
If it's not working for you....then don't do it.....
MUCH MORE important to do what does work.
If you do things only to please him? The natural backlash of this is you will end up feeling resentment that he is getting what he wants and YOU are working so hard to give it to him!
I don't think you want that.
Start working on what YOU need.....
He will be grateful in his heart that he doesn't have to take care of your needs AND HIS!!
Cause let's face it...he ain't up to the task!!
He needs to focus on him and you need to focus on you ...so that you both can be happy together!!
He's scared/she's scared...is because you both have needs, but you are both looking to the other person to get them met!
Yeah that's right...he's looking to you much more than you realize!! ..AND If he didn't think you could meet them( his needs)..........he'd be outta there!!
He knows you are the one to take care of his needs. He should be taking care of them himself...but he has you!
He is just a bit more quiet about it....
This is actually insidious because it is less honest and harder to figure out what he wants.
It may very well be....HE DOESN'T know what he wants.......
I'm afraid you will have to deal with the uncertainty for awhile. But don't let it get in your way.
Afterall it's HIS uncertainty, RIGHT?
Your quote:
"I am afraid to be apart"
WHY?
What will happen?
What do you think you are controlling if you are not apart?
He can sense you are afraid..........How do you think HE feels about this???
Smothered? Trapped? Being evaluated????
What??
Your quote:
"believe me I have told him what I need"
Don't tell him what you need.
It is not his job.
He is under no committment to fufill or even listen to your needs.
Even if he as you put it"F n married me so there is some committment to make the marriage work"
NO THERE IS NOT........anyone is free to leave at any time t
LOVE IS A CHOICE.
We choose to love or we don't.
We can change our minds and decide we don't or we do.....
Your quote:
" I said, you won't help make plans, suggest romantic evenings....."
Again, you are expecting something from him, disappointed you aren't getting it and telling him what to do.....stop!
Look at what he DOES do( not his words look at the actions)...catch him doing good and parise him when he does do something. Don't say a word about what he fails to do....you might want to "act" as if you didn't even notice what he failed to do.
"Act" as if you are fine with whatever he does or DOES NOT do....no expectations on your part.
Take the pressure off of him....and I mean BIG TIME!...........
Refuse to take all the responsibility....but do not expect him to pick up the slack.
This may have to go on for quite a while but eventually he will want to do something! or offer to do something...and if he doesn't ..Then in the mean time you are having fun and going out and having a life, not sitting around waiting to have a life...He will want to join you eventually he will see you having such a good time he will want to partcipate on some level.....He may just be glad/relieved you are happy!!As in "wow, I don't have to wonder or worry about her anymore. She knows how to have a good time!"
He can relax and enjoy, without the burden of someone elses feelings being his responsibility and when that happens he is most likely going to be willing to meet your needs.
I read the interaction last night in bed as......
you went to bed first.....
you made a point to come back out and kissed him.....
he knew you kissed him...so when he came to bed he approached.....
You over-reacted about something totally unrelated...
Got mad at him for waking you.....
You yelled at him...
He got mixed signals from you and didn't know what to do!
So he tries: touches your leg....lingers for a bit...
You don't respond...so he rolls over and sends you the message: okay I got it You're awake but not interested.....
Turns on his back( he feels rejected)
Goes to sleep...
( He didn't expect anything from you ...he was reaching out and trying)
Be willing to look for the small steps....no grand gestures ...small stuff.....
Apologize for antagonizing you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He was trying to do what you are always asking him to do!!!!!
INITIATE.
And what did it get him??
The you go right into ASSuming!!!
Well he'll be going out with the boys tonight...so there you can be mad at him again...
He woke you AND he is abandoning you tonight!!!!
Bad, bad husband!!
It almost sounds like you are counting on him going out with the boys tonight because it gives you a break!!!
Tonight gives you a chance to work on you...if he goes out.....be glad!!!!!!!!
Let's go back to what you mentioned in your previous post:
Wanting clarification but becoming emotional about asking for it.
What are you feeling when you ask for clarification?
Do you want answers?
Reassurance?
Directions?
or is some thing unclear to you and you want to understand it better?
I might hazard to say if you are getting emotional..you want acceptance.....Why? why are you asking for his acceptance??
What other ways can you get acceptance?...is there somehting you can do that might give you a feeling of being accepted or a sense of acomplishment?...a group to join....a visit with frinds or loved ones....someplaces that make you feellike you like who you are when you are there?
You are absolutely entitled to feel your feelings.....so go ahead and feel them.....
But wanting or seeking clarification is not about your feelings....
It's about thoughts....
understanding a thought...
Be willing to hear the answer...BEFORE you react with the emotion.
It may have nothing to do with a feeling....
If you are tired of trying to prove yourself?
Then don't ...
The only one you have to prove yourself too is you..
Maybe you are the one who needs to give the approval to you.
Are you happy with you?
Your quote:
" he doesn't criticize or complain...he's just difficult and doesn't communicate well."
When someone criticizes or complians it fairly direct.....it's right there...there's the compliant from him to you...
He has to vocalize it in a way that let's you know he is unhappy.
By being "difficult".......
He puts it on you to figure out what's going on!!
It's immature of him....
He doesn't come right out and say "hey...I'd like to change this...or I'm unhapy about this"....he makes you figure it out!
What are you houdidni??? Can you read his mind........STOP making it SOOOOOO easy for him!! If he gets "difficult" ask him what's up...make him tell you don't let him buffalo you into figurng out what it's gonna take to make him happy!
You say he doesn't communicate all that well????
Well he communicates his dislikes so well that you know he's unhappy and you know he wants you to figure it out!!
AND THEN YOU TRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You are not his mother...you are not his phsychiatrist....you are his partner.
You are entitled to have him tell you what he is thinking and/or feeling coming from HIM not from some ASSumption in your head...Because I WILL GUARANTEE YOU WILL GUESS WRONG!
Even if you guessed right would he tell you? Would he say, "That's right hon, you got it...you figured it out! You are so smart and you know me so well".....blah, blah, blah
I don't think so.
This is a keep her guessing game ...a keep her involved with MY needs game!
(((((((((((See if she can prove herself game............... ))))))))))
You are right about one thing( many )
You are wrong about this...You are not doing it alone!
God is there......he is with you every step of the way.
Let him help you.
When you let go and let God....all things work together...
You cannot control anything but YOU....
As much as you might like to, it is not all up to you to "FIX " this........it's going to take all three of you.
The first person you say "I love you" to, in the morning...
Should be you!
..AND If he didn't think you could meet them( his needs)..........he'd be outta there!!
))))))))))
