I'm glad you got some time to go through my post to you. I will try and respond as best I can .....some of it may have to wait til I can come up with some more ideas....
I'm glad you took the 2x4! It comes with extra hugs you know
I suggested the solution journal for a few reasons.
I would say you most definitely do know what works and what doesn't, the further purpose would be so you could look back on all your responses and see how far you've come and how positive you can be and it could go along way to helping you feel a litle more certain and a bit less vulnerable, a place to turn when you are looking for answers and some sign of encouragement.
As for the hard time sticking with what works......well I would say if you are having a hard time...then the payoff isn't there for YOU ...You may only be doing it because you think it's what works with HIM.....For the short term this would work but not for very long...unfortunately , you are right this will not work....it will for a while but eventually he will see you are doing it for him and not for yourself..............Does that make sense?
In other words it's NOT really working for you...You need to find what does "work" for you and when you do...it won't be so hard to do....because the rewards will be a little clearer and immediate.
Now if what you meant was he keeps coming from a different direction and you have to keep coming up with NEW things that work?? New responses that work?....yeah, that's a challenge... a challenge to keep your self motivated when you feel like you are being attacked form all sides and you are blindfolded to boot!!! Like there is no end to this...
Well My dear, I guess the bad news is we must DB our whole lives.......it is a way of life...not something we can try and then gradually ween ourselves off of and go back to being how we were before...
To really get something to work for us, we must find and know ourselves and find what "works" , motivates, inspires, challenges or fufills US.
I know you feel impatient , we all do...nothing ever seems to happen in the time frame we impose on ourselves....this is where we must have the patience of Job........
If we could only remember that patience and time are our friends. We need to stop looking at them like they are our competition....they are truely gifts, there for us to use!!
Take time to contemplate Take time to realize how you feel at any given moment( big for you) Take time to formulate what you REALLY want to say Take time to figure out what you are trying to get from him
and be patient with yourself
"What causes me to snap is my fear that it just won't last"
Will snapping and getting abrupt get you what you want? Or does it just give you a momentary release of energy? A lashing out that is really a plea for someone to say..."It's okay! You're going to be okay!"
If that is what you need ...You must be the one to give it to yourself...as much as you want him to be the calming influence, the reaasurance...He will not.
As long as you are that needy...he will not fufill your needs....For him, this is about getting HIS needs MET...not yours.
Now this is unfair, to be sure...but that is how it is...
He was not put here on this earth to be your savior...he is going to have a hard enough time saving himself!
We are inside all just little children looking for love and affirmation....we keep thinking someone out there will love us and that will make us whole...but it doesn't....it only appears that way at first( when you first meet and are talking at every moment and can;t take your eyes off of each other oyou are convinced that this person really "gets" you!)...but really what goes on is each person is out there trying in whatever way...subtle or hidden to get their own needs met.....
So lets' look at that for a moment...
Really look at what you said.....
What if???
What if he pulls the wool over your eyes? Made you believe he was a nice guy and then turns out he's a jerk...then what? What would you feel???
What's the worst that can happen???
Of course you can only "act as if" for so long.... because it doesn't feel natural. It's an act after all!! You want your needs met and after awhile the little voice inside you that says " now wait a minute, I have been so good here, giving and giving, WHEN am I going to get back!!???"
So you get over one thing and realize hey, here's another thing that's got me upset and it just snowballs!
The trick to this is to remember: You have no right to expectations....you have no right to expect him to make you happy, calm your anxiousness, heal your wounds, soothe your soul.
He is free to leave at any minute of any day........
and so are you.
There is nothing...absolutely nothing...that can force him to stay.
If he chooses to respond to your needs, great....but he doesn't have to.
Neither do you to his needs....your job is to meet those needs for yourself......through whatever means you must...frinds, relatives, work, activitiies, church....whatever......
When you do that for yourself...You will be in control of your feelings and not at the whim of whether or not he wants to take care of you.
Which means you will be feeling a whole lot less like you don't matter and need him and much more like it's nice to have him around but you'd survive without him.....CONFIDENCE exuding CONFIDENCE and how sexy is THAT!!!!!
He may have only vocally asked for a "few" things...but the reality is all people have HUGE unspoken expectations of each other that they cannot possibly hope to get filled by others.....so don't you go minimizing what he supposedly asks of you!!
Have you told him EVERTHING YOU NEED???? I think not...so he hasn;t touched the surface...he's just better at hiding his needs which if you think about it is not a good thing at all!!!!
He asks alot! For one He wants you to believe that YOU are the needier partner...That he is asking very little of you!...Well, how nice of him...Where's the Halo!!
He is putting on you, the cloak of responsibility...
By doing this he is in essence saying "It's YOUR problem " you deal with it!! Because it can't be me!! I don't make hardly any demands!!
I want to tell you about being a leader....but I think that will take another post!!
Suffice it to say that you need to step up and speak up a little more.. When he is confused he is dying for you to be the calm voice of reason, take the lead tell him what you want....Not yelling, shouting, demanding, berating, taunting, mocking, argueing.But you, telling him what you want....so he doesn't have to guess. This is not a test...he is not being tested to see if he measures up.....You need to make some more decisions for yourself..... By taking or maybe "sharing" might be a better word, some of the responsibility for "YOU", It would seem that he is tired of carrying the burden of being responsible for your happiness.....He is having trouble with himself and cannot carry you right now........
Lead the way...show him how you can be independent of him and not rely on his attention nearly so much....He will be gratefull and it will draw him nearer...He won't have to be so afraid of being burnt up by coming too close to the flame!
I have alot more to say to you about his" he doesn't critisize or complain...he's just difficult at times and not very good at communicating."......Sounds like we are married to the same guy!! But you have got to stop letting him off the hook!!!!
For the moment...You are doing really well.. Start with some small goals.. how about something like:
Be less available two days this week. Greet him and say good night, very cheerfully for two days...with NO physical contact or hint that you want to five or take any. Tell him one time this week in answer to your feeling like you always have to figure out what to do:..."I just don't have a clue what to do...YOU DECIDE"(ever so sweetly) and no matter how absolutely stupid you do whatever he suggests!!
One last thing...Knowing that you are not responsible for his responses in your head and FEELING it in your heart are two VERY different things...I believe you when you said that intellectually you know this but you are acting towards him like you are responsible ........By accepting his foisting it upon you ,you go along looking inside you for the answers when the issue is about him.......
Telling him is good....(telling him he is responsible for his anger) But you don't believe it.........
Inside your head you are saying well if only I hadn't done this or said that he wouldn't have gotten mad.......
Some body who knows it doesn't have to say it.......
Some body who knows it doesn't have to say it.........
I promise I'll come back tommorow, but for now..I need to attend to some stuff here at home....
Like there is no end to this...
