When I first started posting here - what seems a lifetime ago - there was a poster who used to write to me called NYSurvivor. He hit me with so many truths, so hard that over a period of 3 or 4 weeks I re-registered with different names twice to see if I could avoid him. He found me every time. I'm not sure if he knew I was the same person, but he certainly didn't let up on the DBing advice.
I hated him. I thought he was a cruel, heartless, emotionally sterile man. He wasn't kind. He wasn't diplomatic. He was straight up and down and he taught me, through painful 2x4s more than I can ever repay him for. In fact, reflecting on it now, I would never have made it through without the tough love he showed for me during those early months of my separation.
I know that my posts to you seem harsh. I don’t want to hurt you, and I know my posts are hitting your buttons that are painful. The thing about life is that we grow through pain. This time in your life sets you up for the rest of it, and I can guarantee you that you will be a different, stronger, even more amazing woman when you come out the other end of this.
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I know this is not DBing but I feel like I cannot leave a stone unturned in protecting my daughter from further hurt. I love her so much, more than anything.
I wonder if you reflect on it, you might see that you’re at a stage where you understand you can’t make excuses anymore for not DBing when it comes to your relationship – but you think you might have a get-out-of-jail-free-card if it’s about your daughter?
You don’t you know.
See the thing is, he won’t hear that it’s about your daughter. He’ll hear that it’s about you guilt tripping him… it’s telling that
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The only thing he was a little unsure about was what I have been talking to D12 about. … He thinks I am poisoning D12’s mind.
Angel – he may have listened openly, but that doesn’t mean he agrees with you or that he believes you. And to be fair to him, why would he believe that you haven’t been influencing D12, when he knows that you are very anxious and distressed and are very, very unhappy about his recent decisions.
In an earlier post, you talked about you having a panic attack and then your daughter becoming distressed and
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She then started crying, then blurted that she was so worried for mommy and daddy. She was afraid that “mommy is going to lose it, go crazy” because of problems”
You then admitted that D12 has a history of anxiety and has since she was 7. Presumably you guys were happily married then. It’s not really fair to blame your daughters reaction entirely on her father. Her pre-existing condition, your state-of-mind and reactions to your Hs crisis combined with the marriage problems are all contributing to that.
Right now, you can’t change what’s going on with your H – that’s his gig and he has every right to engage in it, but you could change how you behave in front of her and protect her from the emotional fallout from you?
I’ll make 2 points.
1. The longer you try to bargain, guilt, persuade etc, regardless of if it’s about the marriage or your daughter, the more he will go the opposite direction. Who wants to be with someone, or think about the long term with someone who tells them they’ve got it all wrong? They are hurting their child who they love and they are selfish and cruel for doing so?
Your husband is obviously going through something that means he hasn’t been happy in your relationship. DBing is a way to show him that things can be different and life with you will be happy and comfortable – it won’t be about throwing arrows and placing blame.
Men are simple creatures, they want to be with someone who makes them feel good about themselves.
2. Children learn how to behave and how to respond to challenges in their lives by what we teach them. They learn and they imitate. I’ve watched quite a few families go through difficult separations, divorces and some reunions. I can tell you categorically, that the children who come out the best are those who’s parents dealt with the separation calmly, were kind and gentle with themselves and their spouses and who rarely showed their children how distressed they were. I think Cyrena said it best when she said
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Moreover, the better role model your daughter sees you becoming, the more she will follow.
You want to show your husband that you are an emotionally stable, capable, loving, kind, happy woman. Be the better option Angel.
Are you able to take advantage of any counseling or therapy to deal with the panic attacks that you are having? When I was going through my separation, I had panic attacks, and some years later my H told me that it was the most scary and unattractive thing he’d ever experienced. He said when I had those episodes he felt obliged to look after me, but he really resented me and having to look after me.
Men love women who are strong, who can look after themselves and who are resilient. Think about the woman you were when you and your H first got together – who was she Angel? Did you like her? Is there anything in her that you’d like to recapture in your life now?
Keep at it Angel and be kind to yourself. This is tough stuff and there are no quick fixes.
((Angel))
Take care, V
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
