Trish, I DO want the 2x4's! Thank you!! I do not want you to commiserate with me or have a pity party.
No, I haven't been keeping a sol'n journal. I KNOW what works and what doesn't. I have a hard time sticking to what does work. I get extremely impatient and very scared. What causes me to snap is my fear that it just won't last or that I will have the wool pulled over my eyes. Like, I'll believe that he's a nice guy and not a jerk, but then he'll prove me wrong. Yes, I know that EVERYONE can be a jerk and/or bi!ch at times.
I try to act as if, and be happy go lucky and not let things bother me. But I can only do this for so long. If it's not one thing that upsets me, it's another.
I DO expect a lot from him! We had discussions BEFORE we got married about what was important to me and things about himself that he wanted to change, but he doesn't b/c in his eyes I am not doing what he has asked for. The only thing he has ever asked for: stability in our r./for me to believe in him/trust him.
What do you mean by him needing me to be the leader? Yes, I'm sure he is confused. I'm hot one day, cold the next, etc. I have done this in past r's that's why i think that i am the primary cause of this downfall. H would be relatively easy to get along with-he does not complain about me or criticize me, etc. He is just difficult at times and not very good at communicating his feelings/wants.
OK, part. of the deal is that I get so tired of being the one to have to think of what to do, how to spend our time, etc. I initiate sex more, and snuggling more. I get so tired of hearing, "i don't care or uh uh uh (i don't know)" He does not always act very interested in being sexual and I want him to show me that he is. What I wanted to say is that I wanted to go home for some hot sex, but it is like skating on thin ice w/that subject. he has felt pressured by me and feels used (i'm surmising) b/c i sometimes use sex for affirmation. he also thinks that it should happen more naturally whereas sometimes i like to "flirt" or set the tone for later, or to have a designated romantic evening. He is the woman in this regard in the r. He is more concerned with the r, and i am more concerned with sex.
I have such a hard time just asking for clarification or expressing my feelings w/o getting emotional. I cry at the drop of a hat, and when he sees tears, he immediately gets scared of how I am going to act towards him. I have been very aggressive, controlling, and accusatory in the past. But, I have gotten a LOT better, but to him, it just hasn't been long enough.
Yes, I know I am giving him too much power and that I do not believe that I am ok. grrrr...I should def. be less available to him.
I know that I am not responsible for his responses and told him this the other night (not the first time). I told him that he doesn't HAVE to get angry with me, that it's his choice. I AM tired of trying to prove myself and convince him to stay with me. No, I don't want to be with him if he doesn't know if he wants to be with me. He f'in married me, to me that equals being committed to staying married.
Quote: Just make sure you really are asking for clarifiaction and not trying to prod him to respond in any certain way to reassure you, comfort you, show acceptance, apprecaition.........Examine your motives firstly before asking, because if you ARE trying to ellicit a response of sympathy or empathy or comfort...etc, etc.... He WILL know it immediately and it makes you seem needy and uncertain in his eyes and will undoubtledly affect the way he responds to you...
I do this all the time. I always want some kind of reassurance from him. He doesn't say ily first anymore. he says it back, though. he doesn't compliment me on my appearance anymore, but will for a good meal, etc.
I know that I get more of what I want when I do what works and give him what he wants. It's just that breaking point. I bought a book on ebay called "He's Scared, She's Scared," about commitmentphobes. I am def. scared scared scared. At times consciously, at times not.
this r and my h are worth the effort, i just get so tired of feeling like i am doing it on my own. And-don't hit me, i've already gotten lots of 2X4's for this-I just want his help and want him to contribute!
honestly, right now i don't feel like i like him very much, but i know if he were to go away that I would regret it deeply.
as an after-thought, the money he is spending on his new truck is money that he made in profit by buying a car w/a blown up engine and fixing it. and he talks about fixing things in the house-like the fireplace, and living room stuff. and, when things are better, he is more concerned with these things.
I wish I could detach and not care and just worry about myself and TAKE CARE of myself!!!
i need to pick a 180 or two to focus on. hmmm...not having expectations? backing off from initiating sex? tried that - i just get frustrated... acting as if i am fine regardless of how he is acting towards me. I have been doing somewhat better at this like when he is tired or in a bad mood...
