Happy news on the job front! I start next Wednesday with a great team and pretty good pay. All I want to say is thank y'all for your prayers and concern. I've been out since July, so it's about bloody time. God is good!
This job itself will be one of my 180s. I lost ambition and lacked focus with all my previous jobs, because as a porn addict I saw having work as just status quo - to keep the income coming in.
That's great news. Do not lose focus, go in and do the best damn work you can do.
Reward yourself at the end of a good day with something (healthy but fun) you enjoy. I recommend a hobby of some kind that does not involve using the computer.
Keep moving forward, do not give up.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Reward yourself at the end of a good day with something (healthy but fun) you enjoy. I recommend a hobby of some kind that does not involve using the computer.
Sure will. It will at least keep my mind, body and soul happy...besides seeing my son every evening after work. He'll be a reminder me at the end of the day what my goals and purposes are.
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
I have a couple of serious questions that have been niggin' at my mind, which I would like input on, especially from the ladies and spouses in this forum:
1. Regarding what my wife said during our last big conversation (posted 2/23) that she has become apathetic towards me. She said that during her introspection earlier in our separation (maybe even before that), she realized that she doesn't feel hurt or bad envisioning me dating or being with another woman. She said she didn't care anymore. My question is: From a woman's perspective, once your mind is apathetic like my wife is, does that mean a complete emotional disconnect and that it's irreversible? Or is it part of a defensive wall?
2. Speaking in terms of the DB rule of not pushing your spouse away, I sense that I may be driving my wife to show increased interest in other men (your hunch was right, Mike) merely due to the hope and stance I've frequently stated to her. My theory is that because my wife feels like I'm not letting go, it's pushing her away and increasing her need to find someone else. I've tried explaining to her that it's about a new respect and understanding of my marriage vows with or without her, etc. It's not about possessiveness. What do you think?
I am neither female, nor am I going to give you the answers you are looking for. Sorry for that, but I am really trying to get you to understand what you must do. I keep being hard on you, because each time you post back, it shows that you are not yet ready to receive the message.
Take heart though, you are progressing. Getting a job is huge and possibly the most important step right now, but once that is out of the way there is much more to be done.
In response to your questions....
1. One of the big problems you face is that you are way too focused on your W, and not on yourself. Your first question highlights this greatly. Stop trying to analyze her. Stop trying to figure her out. The reason you are not getting a response to this question is because you are barking up the wrong tree.
2. You are not pushing her away to see other men, as much as she has just lost attraction to you and is seeking to fill that void. You can't reverse this using words. Explaining to her just sounds like excuses to her ears. In fact, the less you say to her the better. The only way you will be able to convince her is BECOME. By become, I mean evolve into a new man, different to the one she knew. How successful you can be at this will depend on how open you are willing to be to the process, and if you are capable of truly listening, instead of filtering everything you receive through your current disfunctional perspective. By disfunctional I do not mean that you are not acceptable the way you are, I just mean disfunctional in the sense that your current perspective is not acceptable to your W.
Do not give up. Keep working on yourself.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
I have a couple of serious questions that have been niggin' at my mind, which I would like input on, especially from the ladies and spouses in this forum:
1. Regarding what my wife said during our last big conversation (posted 2/23) that she has become apathetic towards me. She said that during her introspection earlier in our separation (maybe even before that), she realized that she doesn't feel hurt or bad envisioning me dating or being with another woman. She said she didn't care anymore. My question is: From a woman's perspective, once your mind is apathetic like my wife is, does that mean a complete emotional disconnect and that it's irreversible? Or is it part of a defensive wall?
Well alamo, I can tell you I feel the same about my H. It is not that I don't love him. I just don't own him or his choices. I can't stop him from from having sex with someone else, but I won't feel badly if he does either. I guess it's detachment and realisation it's not in my hands; he long ago broke any loyalty and fidelity he once felt to me.
2. Speaking in terms of the DB rule of not pushing your spouse away, I sense that I may be driving my wife to show increased interest in other men (your hunch was right, Mike) merely due to the hope and stance I've frequently stated to her. My theory is that because my wife feels like I'm not letting go, it's pushing her away and increasing her need to find someone else. I've tried explaining to her that it's about a new respect and understanding of my marriage vows with or without her, etc. It's not about possessiveness. What do you think?
Don't know. In my case, his lack of concern about our M, refusal to talk about anything but the superficial, and having said " I'm done" influence my thinking. On the days that I believe he meant ( and was deadly serious in meaning ) it, I'm apt to think; why shouldn't I pursue something fulfilling with another man.
I don't know if this helps you or not alamo.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
