Great news that you now have a new boss. That does make such a HUGE difference.
Quote: Sunday I let him initiate and he did. (I am trying so hard to be patient.) Our r is diff. in that I am the one who equates love with sex, and he is more concerned about our r!! I'm the guy!! I know that he feels used at times and that I do use him for validation of my desirability. Not good. I am trying to look at things through his eyes more.
This is good! Glad you are noticing these things.
Quote: BUT, he did tell me today that SAD is getting to him
Just keep being there for him. Seems like he needs some space but doen't want you too far out of view. You've got it, do it for him!
Keep working on the PMA, your on the upswing! Yippie for YOU!
Good luck with the birthday plans, sounds like a good time. Hope you have a relaxing, wonderful time with your H!
Hi All, It's been a while!! H got sick the day of his bday so we stayed home. I postponed his hot date to Valentine's Day. Spent a lot of time over the weekend as he had taken that Sat. off too. Went to dinner w/his 'rents and had a party for him and my uncle at our house on Sunday.
Yesterday I went out to dinner w/o him b/c he was still not feeling well and the weather has been awful-snow/sleet/rain/ice/temps in the 0's, etc.
H was upset about something that happened at work (or work in general) last night, but he told me he didn't want to talk about work. So, I dropped it, talked about other things. I have keeping my PMA up!! I must say, I've been doing really well. And it really seems to help h. Last week he was getting depressed b/c of the weather, but I kept on keeping on, and eventually he came back to himself.
He's been more affectionate, still not using words though... I am hoping that if I be good, I might get a mushy card or flowers for V's Day.
Changing teams at work, so I'll have a new boss, and I have an interview with another dept. on Tues. 2-3. I've been swamped at work. People calling off, holding stuff on their desks, customers needing more stuff, etc., etc.
I'm kind of down right now. Things have been going pretty well w/h, then I kind of snapped. He was making a bunch of effort for our r after he came home from cinci. Then he got sick, then he got better and it didn't seem like he was putting the same effort into it. It was back to, "what do you want to do? I don't know... etc." I made suggestions for Thursday and Friday which we did. Then Sat. we had a family get together. Towards the end of the night I was almost falling asleep, then we were driving home, he asked if I wanted to go home and go to bed. I said, "not necessarily." & What are my options or something like that. He apparently didn't hear me and just went home and started getting ready for bed, then I wanted to snuggle and he wanted to read saying that he wasn't tired. I get up to watch tv, then come back to bed and ask him why he asked what I wanted to do if he wasn't going to listen to me anyway or something to that effect.
Now I am upset (I continue to be and not being very able to hold it it) about our financial arrangement. We didn't talk about $ before we got married, and he just decided that this is the way it's going to be. (Separate accounts, he pays house payment, I pay utilities.) Well, I'm broke all the time and he's out blowing money on performance equipment for his new truck. Then he agreed to help pay for groceries if we stayed home to eat more. Then I've had to ask him more than once for that money. I hate the term I owe you or you owe me. I think it is ridiculous to owe each other money if we are married. I asked how we were going to do finances if we have children. He said we would cross that bridge when we come to it.
Well, am I just being cold? I'm 34 1/2 and I'd kinda like to know now-if this isn't going to work and we can't agree on $, then I can find a diff. h to have children with. I did not say this to him, but let it go. I told him that we don't make $ a team effort, we haven't talked about how we are going to pay for vaca, and we haven't talked about retirement. (my co. reinstated their matching and it's great). So he said, "let me ask, what happens to that money if we don't work out?" I said that like everything else it gets split w/the divorce settlement, that it is part his...
I'm tired of not knowing "whether or not he wants to be married to me." I just feel more insecure and like I can not measure up. Every time I bring up an issue, he thinks I am trying to sabotage our r. I said, what if I have feelings or need clarification about something? He keeps getting angry. He told me his anger is all affected by my approach and that if I worked on my approach, he would work on being more sensitive.
I feel like he doesnt' care about my feelings anymore and he feels like I don't care about his. We continue to be stuck in this "I'll do this for you if you do this for me" mentality. He thinks I screwed this up, so I need to fix it.
thanks for listening. I will catch up later. karen
There were a couple positives in the last few days. H is talking about wanting to play raquetball again and even come play vball with me sometime!! He said he wants to bike 3-4 times a week when the weather is nice.
We talked about what we are going to do in Vegas. I told him that I want to go on a guided trip and climb a real rock (like Joshua Tree or something). I asked if he would go to climb, watch, or want to do something else (like by himself and not come.) He said he wanted to go and maybe even climb. I asked if he wanted to see the Grand Canyon and he said that that could be another trip.
I'm really struggling with not feeling like I am doing "well" enough for him and like I need to "earn" his love and commitment. I feel like saying, "if you don't know if you want to be with me or not, then go figure it out!" But, I know that that won't help matters.
I wish I could DB for an extended period of time. As he says, I can only go two weeks getting along. (Well, it used to be TWO DAYS!!!). I pointed out the progress that I have made, but to him, it's just not enough. I have asked for positive feedback but he says why should he thank me for something i should be doing anyway?
I keep feeling like I am starving for some words of encouragement, compassion or love from him and that I just can't seem to do without it. He has said again that he DOES want to give me what I want from him, but just feels like he can't "put himself out there."
I am re-determined to straighten out my finances and not feel like I want his help financially. If I could just get rid of some debt!!!
I made an appt. to meet w/an SBT. At least I think she is SBT. The secretary doesn't seem to have a clue as to what SBT is??? But, I did a search on the internet and found this place. I figure I will at least talk to the lady and see how she operates. I decided to just bite the bullet and spend the $ on it. To me it is worth it if it will save my m. I haven't told h yet. He has not really been acting like he wants to be involved with my c as far as hearing about it or going, but he may be doubtful if i switch people again. I'm sorry, but i think it is a bad thing if i go see my c and freak out even more! I DO NOT respond to negative reinforcement at all. It makes me feel worse and do worse. Yes, I want constructive feedback, but conjuring up negative images does NOT work for me.
Any suggestions on how to broach the subject with h? I have to tell him b/c I am going at night and he will wonder where I am.
I have an interview tomorrow at my co. with a different department.
I have been off the board for almost 10 days. It's amazing how clear things can be when you back away from them....Also since I am not you.... it's easier for me to be more objective...
I have been reading and following along several people's threads and I get downright frustrated with some of these people who keep doing what doesn't work!!!!!
So if you want me to point out what I see..let me know...
Otherwise I could condescend to you and commisurate with you....and pat your hand....but this will not get you anything other than a pity party.
Time to smarten up girl!
I mean this for everyone!
Sometimes we get lots of support for the wrong things.....well meaning.......but it isn't going to help us get to our goals.....
In you post you say:
"I'm kinda down right now." followed by: "Things are going kinda well, then I snapped."
?????????????????????????????? Well, which is it? Are things really going well?
What are you doing that IS working??
Are you keeping a solution journal so you can see your own progress?? This will help you stay positive in those down times because you can se how hard you've worked!
Why did you snap if things were going well????????
This is very BIG!! Why did you snap??? Really examine that. What are you not dealing with that cause you to snap.?? Were you really feeling things and ignoring your feelings til they seeped into other issues unrealted? Did something catch you off guard?? Were you not paying attention to yourself??
It seems you two are falling back into some familiar and not so positive patterns.... What are they and if you can recognize them maybe you can start "stopping" them before you go there.......
It seems to me from the last few posts, you are expecting too much and holding resentment for what he is not giving you... Also: He wants and NEEDS for you to be the leader in things right now....
He is definitely confused and your indecision is not going to help.
When he asks you what you want to do(about going home)...you played the passive aggressive and sorta mumble what you REALLY DID want and then when he doesn't hear you??, instead of speaking up you wait to see what happens....c'mon you know you could have...you were just afraid of being too demanding.....You're surprised and/or disappointed.
This usually happens to people when their expectations are not being met.
What are your expectations?
Why are you expecting things from him??
....He either doesn't know WHAT to do with, you so he takes you home or he didn't really care what you wanted and had his own agenda...
Now you can either accept this......and go along...or you can speak up(in a nice way) and disagree and express again what you would like to do. You will learn right away then what HIS intentions were because he doesn't seem to have a question about what he did... and if you do bring it up you can address them( his intentions) instead of avoiding them...and leave your self guessing what he's feeling or thinking... you will KNOW....
Hoping he'll give you what you want...probably isn't going to work. Divine intervention only happens occasionally and is a poor remedy to count on in everday issues!!
So by now you are really upset and instead of dealing with that... either by yourself or with him...you bottled it up and move on to another subject with this anger inside.....so of course this matter (about finances, no less!)doesn't go well either...!! Surprise, surprise
Repressing yourself seems to be another thing that DOESN'T work...It IS building resentment and that is not helping you reach your goal....So how can you let go of this resentment???
By not having expectations in the first place!!
Stop expecting ANYthing from him and you will be surprised how much happier you will be...and when he does "give " to you.... you will be so much happier and he will see the genuine pleasure coming from inside you!!
Of course it's ridiculous to "Owe" each other money..and waiting til you have children to deal with that issue is also ridiculous and you know it.( So does he, but what a classic way to avoid it, it's not you, it's not on him, it's on the children you don't have yet!!!!)
You do not have to wait until you have children... it's perfectly normal to negotiate how you want the relationship and the finances to be NOW!!.
Now I don't mean debate...I mean negotiate.....THAT means you MUST! MUST!! have clear in your mind what it is you want and what you are willing to accept and what you are NOT, before you ever approach him. Now you will still be flexible, but you need to have some boundaries and some guide as to where this is all going otherwise you will both drop it out of sheer exhaustion!!
We all have things we tolerate... but the message you have given him so far.... is that this treatment of you is okay...and clearly it is not okay with you it's left you very uncertain and insecure, in your own words.
You are not okay with this...So let's find a way to deal with this.... Notice I did not say solve this... There may be no resolution... But you can try for a discussion on this.... Come up with some solutions yourself first and see how ameniable he is to some SMALL changes, once he sees how nicely these work it will be easier to try for bigger changes....or brain storm it together.....get a couple of books on how to handle finances( there are a ton of them out there..like Suzie Orman's books)...You will most likely have to be creative here....not everyone handles money the same as the next fella....
Money is a very emotional issue. That's why it's the number two cause of divorce, because we each come into a marriage with our own views about money and what it truely means to each of us. For most men it define's who they are and it is a measure of their success, their power and their control over their lives. It can mean security or it can be a nusiance, everbody is different and if you can manage to get the emotion out of it and just deal with what needs to be handled...you will both be happier.
Remember, there will always be bills, there will always be money......This does not need to be a source of trouble for you, it's just the business of handling the money. Try and approach it like you would cleaning the toilet...a nessessary EVIL
Free yourselves up from this and you can focus on more important issues...like your feeling towards each other...
"You'd kinda like to know if this is gonna work"???????????
What are you waiting for????someone to tell you!!!!???
No wonder you said you are feeling insecure and you don't measure up. You are waiting for someone else to tell you you are OKAY!!
You need to tell yourself that, because he isn't going to... until YOU DO!! Unless and until you value yourself he will never value you the way you want him to.
YOU decide if this is going to work. Stop waiting for him to decide how your life is going to turn out!! or if he wants you. Do you really want to give him all that power over you????
More importantly.....Do you want him??? Do you want this?? Do you want it this way...or do you want to redefine things?? You can you know......all by yourself!
I for one have stopped waiting to let someone else decide for me if I am going to be happy or alone or okay or loved or accepted.
I am going to decide what my life is going to be!!!
No one has the right to take that power from you....You decide how you want your life to be. Don't let someone ELSE define that for you and you will be sooooo much happier..... Also there'll be no more waiting around .....Put yourself in charge of that....
As harsh as this is ...He may NOT know if he wants to be married to you (I'm betting he does)..... but he is definitely confused right now.......so stop trying to convince him .....you do NOT have to try so hard!
He needs to make up his own mind...and you need to make up yours. Besides do you really want someone who can't decide if he wants you??
My god if he can't see how great you are(and we can all see it here at the bb)then maybe he needs to get his priorities in line....Maybe you need to let him know what he is missing by not having you around so much....make yourself a little less available.
Remember "act as if" ??
...."As if" you don't really need him or his approval, or his suggestions or HIS ATTENTION.!!!!!...
You just be fine with whatever positive he gives......... but COMPLETELY ignore the negative...refuse to even let it be a blip on your radar screen!!
His nonsense about it's YOU, it's in your approach...wowo what a great excuse. Wish I could get a way with that one!!!..So now he would have you think it's all up to you how HE responds??....
ARE you responsible for his response!!!????
C'mon sweetheart!!
He needs to be responsible for himself and that means his responses!! Sure you can be sensitive to him...and you can think about what you truely want to say to him BEFORE speaking (a great weapon because you can take however much time you want with your questions or repsonses)..but that doesn't mean if he gets angry it's your fault because you didn't word it right!!!
If you need clarification on something...then you need clarification.....
Just make sure you really are asking for clarifiaction and not trying to prod him to respond in any certain way to reassure you, comfort you, show acceptance, apprecaition.........Examine your motives firstly before asking, because if you ARE trying to ellicit a response of sympathy or empathy or comfort...etc, etc.... He WILL know it immediately and it makes you seem needy and uncertain in his eyes and will undoubtledly affect the way he responds to you...
You must truely be able to hear whatever he says to you and be ready to accept it whether you like it or not, disagree or not...just listen.
You didn't screw this up, Even I know that! ...It takes two.... and wasn't over night......
and it isn't a quick fix either......but you CAN do this I know you can....
If you are stuck in the "You do this for me, if I do this for you????"...... then simply STOP!....
Change it.....don't go there...don't you do it.!!....
Remember it only takes one person to change the whole dynamic... He cannot repond in the same old way if YOU don't .... You change and his response has to change... Refuse to play the "one for one" game.... Don't keep trading favors... ONLY do what you really want to DO!! No payback nessessary... Just do whatever because you want to... and if he asks???" will you, if I"....
SAY NO!!!
Each and every time til he gets the message.
Refuse to trade...so he stops seeing this relationship like a competition....If one of you losses you both lose. He isn't going to win by getting you to do something for him without having to "pay you back".
If you are unhappy, then he loses...if he is unhappy then you lose.....
There are alot of clues available to you about what to do in your sitch, but you need to start picking them apart...
Look over your posts and look for hints about the way you two interact...
I'll bet you can come up with some good 180's and some good new goals!
It's alot of work...but your R is worth it..... right???
...It takes two.... and wasn't over night......