There were a couple positives in the last few days. H is talking about wanting to play raquetball again and even come play vball with me sometime!! He said he wants to bike 3-4 times a week when the weather is nice.
We talked about what we are going to do in Vegas. I told him that I want to go on a guided trip and climb a real rock (like Joshua Tree or something). I asked if he would go to climb, watch, or want to do something else (like by himself and not come.) He said he wanted to go and maybe even climb. I asked if he wanted to see the Grand Canyon and he said that that could be another trip.
I'm really struggling with not feeling like I am doing "well" enough for him and like I need to "earn" his love and commitment. I feel like saying, "if you don't know if you want to be with me or not, then go figure it out!" But, I know that that won't help matters.
I wish I could DB for an extended period of time. As he says, I can only go two weeks getting along. (Well, it used to be TWO DAYS!!!). I pointed out the progress that I have made, but to him, it's just not enough. I have asked for positive feedback but he says why should he thank me for something i should be doing anyway?
I keep feeling like I am starving for some words of encouragement, compassion or love from him and that I just can't seem to do without it. He has said again that he DOES want to give me what I want from him, but just feels like he can't "put himself out there."
I am re-determined to straighten out my finances and not feel like I want his help financially. If I could just get rid of some debt!!!
I made an appt. to meet w/an SBT. At least I think she is SBT. The secretary doesn't seem to have a clue as to what SBT is??? But, I did a search on the internet and found this place. I figure I will at least talk to the lady and see how she operates. I decided to just bite the bullet and spend the $ on it. To me it is worth it if it will save my m. I haven't told h yet. He has not really been acting like he wants to be involved with my c as far as hearing about it or going, but he may be doubtful if i switch people again. I'm sorry, but i think it is a bad thing if i go see my c and freak out even more! I DO NOT respond to negative reinforcement at all. It makes me feel worse and do worse. Yes, I want constructive feedback, but conjuring up negative images does NOT work for me.
Any suggestions on how to broach the subject with h? I have to tell him b/c I am going at night and he will wonder where I am.
I have an interview tomorrow at my co. with a different department.
