I'm kind of down right now. Things have been going pretty well w/h, then I kind of snapped. He was making a bunch of effort for our r after he came home from cinci. Then he got sick, then he got better and it didn't seem like he was putting the same effort into it. It was back to, "what do you want to do? I don't know... etc." I made suggestions for Thursday and Friday which we did. Then Sat. we had a family get together. Towards the end of the night I was almost falling asleep, then we were driving home, he asked if I wanted to go home and go to bed. I said, "not necessarily." & What are my options or something like that. He apparently didn't hear me and just went home and started getting ready for bed, then I wanted to snuggle and he wanted to read saying that he wasn't tired. I get up to watch tv, then come back to bed and ask him why he asked what I wanted to do if he wasn't going to listen to me anyway or something to that effect.
Now I am upset (I continue to be and not being very able to hold it it) about our financial arrangement. We didn't talk about $ before we got married, and he just decided that this is the way it's going to be. (Separate accounts, he pays house payment, I pay utilities.) Well, I'm broke all the time and he's out blowing money on performance equipment for his new truck. Then he agreed to help pay for groceries if we stayed home to eat more. Then I've had to ask him more than once for that money. I hate the term I owe you or you owe me. I think it is ridiculous to owe each other money if we are married. I asked how we were going to do finances if we have children. He said we would cross that bridge when we come to it.
Well, am I just being cold? I'm 34 1/2 and I'd kinda like to know now-if this isn't going to work and we can't agree on $, then I can find a diff. h to have children with. I did not say this to him, but let it go. I told him that we don't make $ a team effort, we haven't talked about how we are going to pay for vaca, and we haven't talked about retirement. (my co. reinstated their matching and it's great). So he said, "let me ask, what happens to that money if we don't work out?" I said that like everything else it gets split w/the divorce settlement, that it is part his...
I'm tired of not knowing "whether or not he wants to be married to me." I just feel more insecure and like I can not measure up. Every time I bring up an issue, he thinks I am trying to sabotage our r. I said, what if I have feelings or need clarification about something? He keeps getting angry. He told me his anger is all affected by my approach and that if I worked on my approach, he would work on being more sensitive.
I feel like he doesnt' care about my feelings anymore and he feels like I don't care about his. We continue to be stuck in this "I'll do this for you if you do this for me" mentality. He thinks I screwed this up, so I need to fix it.
thanks for listening. I will catch up later. karen
