detached from everyone - but ok...

[TAMF]

Hello my friends! I feel like I am in the confessional...

Forgive me Father for I have sinned, it has been a month since my last posting.



Soooo here is my sitch update,

I have detached from everyone in my life for the last month so that I could be alone with my thoughts and decisions. I have been on the "crazy boat" (as my counselor calls it) long enough. Let me begin with Christmas Eve as a starting point to the craziness. As some of you might remember, my H spent Christmas with the girls and i. On Christmas Eve, he came over to the house, made love to me, told me he loved me, told me he was going to break up with his girlfriend and would be home by the end of the week.

Didn't happen. on his birthday Jan.2nd I read a text message that he had sent the OW that day that said "I love you baby". He told me over and over after I found the text that he had made me a promise and he intended on keeping it...trust him.

Next day I asked God for a sign - something that would let me know I am either done or not...I suddenly knew that if I found his truck at the bar the OW bartends at - it was over.

His truck was at the bar.

I was done. Furious. Destroyed for the last time I told myself. I detached completely. I didn't want anything to do with him. We even had a conversation that I would date if I want to and when he got his bonus in Feb. we would get the divorce started. He said he understood, but wanted me to keep the door open for him. whatever.

On the 28th on my way to work i sent my H a text:
R U still planning on going to the girls swim meet tomorrow? if so it starts at 10am

His reply:
yah - were are you?

Me:
on my way to work, why what's up?

H:
It's over

Me:
It's over between you and I or you and OW?

H:
me and OW

Me:
When I get to work, I will see what is going on and see if I can leave to talk.

H:
talk about what?

Me:
That is a funny question? you just told me you broke it off with OW and I thought that might warrent a conversation between you and I.

H:
Oh, sorry didn't mean to seem like a jerk. what time?

**** At this point I am starting to actually have a panic attack. HE IS TEXTING ME THAT HE BROKE UP WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND AND HE DOESN'T THINK THIS IS A TOPIC BEST FOR FACE TO FACE CONVERSATION?****** plus, I am in a panic because I don't know how to react to this information. I am done. I don't want him anymore.

Me:
Where are you?

H:
I am in West Salem getting all my stuff to move back home. Should be there soon.

ARE YOU FRIGGIN KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I am in full nervous breakdown. I am at work crying so hard I am gasping for air. My co-workers don't even know what to do with me. I scream that he didn't take me into consideration when he decided to have an affair, he didn't take me into consideration when he left me for the OW, and he isn't taking me into consideration now by not even ASKING ME IF HE CAN COME HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I get in my car and just drive, and drive and drive. 2 hours later I end up in Madison and i check into a hotel. I sent my own text to my H that said:

I can't believe you would move back into the house without even talking to me! I am having a very hard time with this and I don't want to see you for a while. You will have to take care of the girls. I am going to a hotel for a couple of days.

For 2 days I thought about my situation and what I wanted. And I left Madison on Sunday knowing I was done. My H sent me a text that he was leaving. He would respect my space.

2 days later, we finally talked on the phone. He told me that he would go to counseling, he loved me, he wanted his kids back in his life. I said i was done. we make better friends. He understood and was really great about it.

Then he started roping me back into the crazy boat, just when I thought I had been rescued. He kept sending me texts that would say he didn't believe it was over...we should be together forever...he really did love me.

On Superbowl Sunday the girls were away at a swim meet and my H came over to the house to see me that morning. He convinced me to give us another chance. He had gotten back with the OW that past week because I had said it was over, so now I needed to give him a chance to break it off with her. give him the week to do it. on Saturday the 12th after my big gala ball event at work, we would start over. He would not have any communication with her.

Needless to say, he was lying again. He did break up with her, but she wouldn't let him go and he caved. He had moved back into the house. And it just wasn't working, he was being so mean to me. nothing I did was right. nothing. I told him that I had seen all the text messages on verizon and he was lying again. We got in a HUGE fight on Valentines Day. He didn't get me anything, didn't even wish me a Happy V day. I was emotional and had a couple glasses of wine...not a good combo. I asked him why he wanted to get back together with me when I knew he still loved the OW - why why would he tell me that he loved me when he didn't?!! He replied that he just came back for the kids and that he didn't think he could do this. He did love the OW and this was sooooo hard for him, but he thought he could make himself love me again so that he could be with his girls again.

a couple days later, he hugged me and said that he really did love me, but that he couldn't hurt me anymore. It was killing him to see me in so much pain. He knew that he would continue to hurt me if we stayed together because he can't let the OW go.

I told him that I agreed and that I would go see the lawyer in the morning. He held me all night long...told me how sorry he was. Promised that we would stay good friends and keep the girls as our number one priority (just as we have been doing for the last 8 months. I agreed and I cried my goodbye.

I am doing really good, seriously good. I told my H that he could stay at the house until we sold it - I need the help keeping our 5 bedroom monstrous house perfect while we show it. Plus, this past week has been totally fine with him there. He is back to the man I am best friends with. We are doing okay for now.

He is back with his girlfriend again, I assume anyway because there was a charge on our debit card yesterday for the bar she works at. and I am okay with it. My happiness is not disrupted by what he does any more. and it feels wonderful.

I see the lawyer Tuesday. Some of you might say to let him do it - he is the one who did this to me let him do the work. but I am doing it because I want to protect myself financially. He might be okay right now, but what if in a couple weeks he decides to take his paycheck and just give me a part of it and then I will be stuck with the house all by myself - hell no. right now my priority is self protection!

So that is my long long story of my ride on the "crazy boat" since Christmas, and it is time to get off and take care of myself and do what makes me happy.

And having my H as my friend makes me happy. I am satisfied with that kind of relationship with him.

He jokes with me and says that we will be like the TV show, Cougar Town. I am Jules and he is the crazy xh that is one of my best friends - I told him that I could even see him living on a boat in the parking lot of a marina and we both laughed and laughed.

Life is going to be ok.