If you read my other topic you will see that I attempted to go dark. I found this to be difficult due to the fact that we have 3 kids together and I am staying in a house very close to the family. Shortly after I went dark all kinds of things began to happen, D7 hurt herself, the day care the other 2 were in closed unexpectedly and furnace and dryer stopped working. All this caused W and I to have contact. I took the contact as an opportunity to DB. All smiles no R talk, full on 180's and slowly GAL. This has been going on for a little over a month.
Also in the last topic you will see that I have been trying to get W to go to Retrouvaille in March. On Monday I sent W an e-mail asking if she would go. In the mail I validated her reasons for what she has done and gave my point of view. I was looking for a yes/no answer but in the response W said that she hears and relates to what I said but has not made her mind, she needs more time. I find out a few days later that a friend’s baby shower is the same weekend of the retreat and when I pick up the kids today she tells me that she bought the expecting mother a gift and is planning on going to the shower. This is her way of telling me that she is not going to retreat.
I also find out that W has had divorce papers in her possession since 02/14/2011 but has not given them to me yet or spoke about them. So I am looking for suggestions on how I should proceed? Bank Account…No changes have been made to our joint account since I moved out. I have been told that I need to open my own checking account and have my check deposited in the new one. Give a view on how it will be $ without me. I make 90% of the income and have not made this move due to the fact that I am worried it will p!ss her off but I am worried that the only real changes that have been made is that I am not around as much. Which brings me to my next question…
I feel that W is using 60 day grace period on D to see how things are going. She then will decide if this is what she wants. As I have said before, I cannot go completely dark due to the kids but how much should I pull back? I am torn because she has said that these last few weeks have been great because they are the same and the only difference is that I am not there for a few hours at night. On the other hand, if I SHOW HER WHAT IT IS LIKE WITHOUT ME, will this have a negative effect? Will it push her away? Where is the line of doing what is right for me and making it hard on her? Should I even care how hard it is on her since she is the one walking?
Quick update, Wife dropped bomb on 01/12/11 and I moved out 2 days later. Wife has D papers in her possession for over a week now but has not given them to me or brought them up in conversation. I have been very effective in not being the one to initiate contact with her on a daily basis, but if I have to due to the kids I keep it short/sweet. Was contacted on Monday by a mutual friend who wanted to tell me that they spoke to W and she told them that W made the comment that “I don’t want to give up on a happy family life but I don’t really feel like I miss H that much”. Comments were also made that the sitch is getting easier on children each day and everybody is less stressed since I moved out. Every Tuesday D’s have dance that W and I attended together and afterwards we all go next door to restaurant for dinner. This started shortly before the bomb and with its continuation, has allowed me to DB my backside off once a week. (One of the biggest problems in our M was that I overreacted when the kids acted up in public. This has given me center stage to expose my 180 on this) Had to call W yesterday to ask a ? about kids and was told that FIL had emergency surgery the night before. I listed to W and gave her chance to vent on it, I then tried to end conversation but she asked how my day was going. I answered short and sweet and tried again to get off phone but she asked how things were going with me in sitch, again I answered light/breezy and inquired about how she was doing and told her that if she ever wants to talk about R with no strings attached feel free to call me…. What should be my next step? I want to be back in the house. I truly feel that the 180’s would be 100% more effective if were seen by W on a daily basis but am scared about just going back without W’s ok. My fear is that if I try before she is ready and it backfires then I would have given my kids a false sense that I was back. Do I just continue on the path that I am on? Take it one day at a time and continue to test waters here and there? Do I try to make plans to spend time with W or do I ask for d paperwork and try and move on emotionally while I continue 180’s? I ask this because after a month and a half I am still a wreck, not in front of her and kids, but all I can think about is going home. Family/Friends advice is to move on, get paperwork, show what it is like without me, better myself, and if she goes through with it I will be fine if not she will come back. I am scared to pull that trigger….. Any suggestions? _________________ M32 W32 D7 D4 S3 Bomb-01/12/11 Filed-01/17/11
What do you do when the W tells you that over the last year she has been checked out emotionally?
That my faults have turned her into someone she doesn’t want to be.
That things are great now that I am not around.
Says we tried MC and changes before but it doesn’t work, you are who you are.
But,
Keeps me on the phone when I try to hang up.
Has D paperwork but has not given it to me yet.
Acknowledges 180’s but doesn’t believe they will stick.
Will all the DB in the world make a difference on W that says she is 100% done? ________________________ M32 W32 D7 D4 S3 Bomb 01/12/2011 File 01/17/2011
After the dinner outing on Tuesday, D had doc appointment next day. W called me to tell me about it and was very warm and nice. Later that night I called to tell kids night but couldn't get them for over a few hours. When they did call W didn't want to talk. They were at McD's with W's childhood friend.
Today I made mistake and called W to see how she was doing. Like talking to a snowman. Wanted nothing to do with me. I have noticed that when we spend time together she is very friendly for a few days and then she is overly cold as if to remind me that she is in charge and not changing her mind.
I don't know what I should do! All I can think is that what I am doing is not working and I am running out of time!
Can anybody please offer some advice!!!! _____________ M32 W32 D7 D4 S3 Bomb 01/12/11 Filed 1/17/11
I absolutely agree with the wall. Since the bomb we have had 2 R talks and after both of them when I talk to W on phone or tx she is warm/pleasant but a day or two she is mean and distant. Almost like she is reminding me that our talks didn't make a difference. She said after one of the talks that a crack in her wall appeared but she got confused by me again and wasn't going to let it happen.
So, am I just supposed to keep being positive, validate her when we talk, do my 180's and hope that she changes her mind? Cause my gut I'd telling me that in 60 days I'm just going to be in for a rude awakening. ___________ M32 W32 D7 D4 S3 Bomb 1/12/11 File 1/17/11
Please accept my apologies if I cam off bitter in any of my post. Regardless of my situation it is no excuse to be rude. I truly wasn't trying to be dismissive. I want/need advise.
I believe I understand the basic idea of DB by not chasing, GAL and do my 180's how do I know when it is right to dip my toe in the water? When we are together as a whole family on Tuesdays it is great for all, so should I try to get for all together family time or is that up to her? When does it go from me DBing my butt off to me trying to hard to fix it?
If she is going to believe anything at all she will be looking for actions. Your words mean nothing to her. I am assuming that you have had conversations before that revolve around you changing or doing something differently and then eventually going back to the "old" way. BTDT.
I think that you have something right in the fact that she is done or mostly done. You may just be working on yourself for you next R but maybe not, time will tell. Your actions can be the same no matter the outcome.
Reflect on what it is that you are not doing right for yourself , family, etc and change for YOU.
I would also say that I would drop my expectations to almost zero when it comes to regaining this M. I would not analyze every interaction and mind reading your thoughts into what she says.
Your are mid-reading here:
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I feel that W is using 60 day grace period on D to see how things are going. She then will decide if this is what she wants.
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As I have said before, I cannot go completely dark due to the kids but how much should I pull back? I am torn because she has said that these last few weeks have been great because they are the same and the only difference is that I am not there for a few hours at night. On the other hand, if I SHOW HER WHAT IT IS LIKE WITHOUT ME, will this have a negative effect?
What is it that you are hoping to accomplish? She has shown that she doesn't want you the way she remembers you. She is the one who doesn't want you around. Are you getting little fixes when you are around her. Is she filling your needs with the limited interactions that you do have. Is it healthy for you to be strung along, chasing crumbs?
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Quick update, Wife dropped bomb on 01/12/11 and I moved out 2 days later. Wife has D papers in her possession for over a week now but has not given them to me or brought them up in conversation. I have been very effective in not being the one to initiate contact with her on a daily basis, but if I have to due to the kids I keep it short/sweet.
You have been out of the house for a month and 1/2. Have you talked with a lawyer about how this impacts your possible custody in the future? Make sure that you know your laws in your state. I know that I wouldn't want to be an every other weekend dad.
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Was contacted on Monday by a mutual friend who wanted to tell me that they spoke to W and she told them that W made the comment that “I don’t want to give up on a happy family life but I don’t really feel like I miss H that much”. Comments were also made that the sitch is getting easier on children each day and everybody is less stressed since I moved out.
Easier on children. . .really? Everyone less stressed. . .really?
Why is that? Were you angry all of the time and shouting at them all? Were you out every night and never really there when you were home? Insert other horrible action. . . She was a saint and it was all your fault. I don't think so.
Divorce is never an EASY thing to just deal with. You can research on the web to show that divorces effect children from infants to adults in negative ways.
One more thing:
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Family/Friends advice is to move on, get paperwork, show what it is like without me, better myself, and if she goes through with it I will be fine if not she will come back. I am scared to pull that trigger….. Any suggestions?
Don't make decisions from your emotions. (Fear, etc.)
I have decided. . . to move back home. to stay in the marital bed. that I don't talk about divorce. that I only talk marriage.
Be strong for you and your kids,
Will
"The first step in the acquisition of wisdom is silence, the second listening, the third memory, the fourth practice, the fifth teaching others." Solomon Ibn Gabriol
I have taken care of myself on the legal aspect of the D. Its everything else that I am having trouble with.
My biggest contribution to the failure of our M was my quick temper with the kids and her when stressful situations arose. So my main 180 has been to identify the reasons for my actions and get rid of them. That has been fantastic, my relationship with my kids has never been better. So why do I still feel empty inside?
I was in a Catch 22, I would not have bettered myself if I stayed in the house but since I moved out the chance or opportunity for me to go back home dramatically dropped. How will she see that I can handle the everyday antics of being a family man if I am not in the picture everyday? ______________ M32 W32 D7 D4 S3 Bomb 1/12/11 Filed 1/17/11
