Newbie- Very Lost- Not Sure where to start

[sandi2]

This round all started when I lost my temper at a party where she disappeared with a "friend" of mine (male, who had betrayed me before) for 30 minutes or so, and I completely lost my cool with both of them, very wrong, but, nonetheless it happened. 15 minutes of my "outburst" over something that I perceived to be very real (she had an A in March 2009), should unravel everything we pieced back together for the better part of a year.. Am I being unrealistic ?

FWIW, I don't believe that is what did the damage and pushed her toward wanting a D. She may want you to believe that was it (and you gave her an excuse) but that is NOT the reason she's asking for a D.

You need to get off the roller coaster and have your own life. Stop looking at her to gauge what kind of day or night you have.

[Firstlove]

tdb68

It is not so much detaching but Letting Go that is not only so difficult to do, but done properly it can lead to healing. I have shared this poem with others on here and it has given me a lot of good direction - not easy to do and I fall down on doing it many times over and over again - but I try - and when I do Let Go - it does help the healing process for both you and your spouse.


Letting Go
Author unknown
To let go doesn’t mean to stop caring, it means I can’t do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off, it’s the realization that I don’t control another.
To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another, I can only change myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own outcomes.
To let go is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes and to cherish the moment.
To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more.

Let Go - Fear Less - Love More

[tdb68]

Thanks for the feedback sandi2, you are right on... I need to get off of the roller coaster, unfortunately, it is difficult right now, since we are still living in the same house, co-parenting, and all she talks about is getting her own place. Do I "help her along" so we can have some separation ? or is that contrary to DB? I do agree with you, that is NOT the reason, I don't believe our bond had strengthened as much as I thought, and now I am believing she was having second thoughts through all of the piecing..

[tdb68]

Thanks Firstlove, Yes, letting go is what I need to do, that poem you posted is outstanding.. really clarifies the message of the direction I should be taking.. Unfortunately, I really don't want to "let go" of my marriage, but I guess I need to let her go, and she if she does come back?

[sandi2]

Do I "help her along" so we can have some separation ?

Well, some don't like this particular technique, but I think it's very effective. But, you need to be willing to set her free or it doesn't work. You won't stay detached otherwise. If you are able to turn loose, then pack her up and send her on her way. Personally, I would not give her money, find her a place,etc. I would not make it easy for her to live S, but yes, I'd help her pack.

[Firstlove]

tbd68

As Sandi says - help her pack, send her on her way and hope for the best for her in her life without you - that is what I have done - I have Let my wife go - after 33 years of holding on - hardest thing I have ever done in my life - but on the other hand - I also deserve a LIFE - and the one I have with her is not one - so I am moving on - to life - I cannot change her one bit and it this is how she wants to live her life - it is not for me - it is a life of no abundance and only living in total fear and failure - that is NOT me - I live in hope, abundance and faith - that is the life for me - I have let her go, and wish her well. Losing the love of my life - not an easy thing to do whatsoever

Such is life

[sandi2]

Firstlove, I hope you stick around for a while. I bet you could help here on the board. Although, if it makes you too sad, I sure understand.

((hugs))

[tdb68]

Thanks for the feedback Sandy.. I would help her pack, unfortunately, all of the other things are true too, she has only looked at one place, and she will definitely need money, we have all of our finances comingled, and she would either have to just "take it" out of our joint account and go, or we need to discuss what she needs and see if I agree?? That sounds like it could be a sticky situation. I keep DB'ing and try to never let her see me struggling, but day in and day out, she acts as if nothing is happening in front of our kids, as do I. I know our kids know something is really wrong, Dad is sleeping in the basement, they don't see any affection between anymore, etc.. Both of my boys also just Plunged in the grades at school over the last 8 weeks since this all started, both went from Honor Roll students, to one having a D & an F, and the other having a D.. I am really afraid we are doing more harm than good to our children by living in "limbo"... Anyone comment?

[tdb68]

She has also been very up and down, and I don't want to read into it, but, she started crying on my shoulder Tuesday Night after she had lunch with a friend whose 43 yr old husband is dying of a brain tumor.. I just looked at her and said, "it makes you appreciate what you have". Then we had dinner together as a family, and she and I were cleaning up together after our boys had left the room, and she leaned over and whispered to me, "those boys were hysterical tonight at dinner, I haven't laughed that hard in forever"... The next day she tells me she wants to be out by April 1st.. Can a WAS be any more irrational in there actions? Trying to stay off of the roller coaster... But WOW.. it is not easy..

[Queen_of_Swords]

I hesistate to say this...but you might want to check the midlife crisis forum.

When I intially came here I believed I was in a straightforward ( but no less painful) WAS situation.
Seems that's not the case for me.

Her ups and downs,the A, the wanting to leave, her age ... Check out my name and initial posts, in there Cadet has posted some resources to help you figure it out.