Recovering after a same sex affair

[sparks14]

My weekly couples therapy update. FINALLY! There is some light.

In all of the previous sessions, there has been either a story to tell, or a discovery of some sort, or broken trust and apologies, or some kind of event taking place. Today, there was no agenda.

I told my therapist that I understood that my W was not in the same place right now that I was, but I would really like to get to a time where I could simply and actively listen to my wife go through her concerns, emotions, feelings of where I marriage took a wrong turn. At first, my W was hesitant and did not want to rehash. I told my W that I did not wish to rehash the details of the affair. Our therapist chimed in a said there is a big difference between rehashing the past and allowing past experiences to educate you. Agreed by both of us and along we went.

I will admit that the conversation coming from my W did not include many positives out of our 5 year relationship. I expected this coming from where she is now. I actively listened to every word she said and validated her several times. I tried to avoid being defensive, but I will admit that it was hard to do sometimes.

My wife mentioned that our entire 5 year relationship has been rocky. She said that she even tried to walk away after six months, but I saved it and brought her back in. She mentioned how our communication has always been poor. How we fight over little things and we are not fighting on the same team anymore. She spoke of how when we first started dating, I had a five year plan for my career. After not getting the job I was seeking a few years into our relationship, I gave up. She said this really hit her hard. She mentioned that she did not like living paycheck to paycheck and always thought we lived outside our means. We then admitted that we were both guilty of this. She said that she had an idea of a happy marriage, and we did not exhibit it. Ours took work. Lots of work. The whole time, I listened and validated.

She then said that when she met the OW, the emotional connection was so easy. It just kept progressing, and she can honestly say that her emotional connection with the OW has been the strongest of her life. She has been working with her therapist to figure out if she simply needs that emotional connection from a woman. She said it didn't take work and simply clicked unlike our marriage. This is also the first time I have heard of her speak of how the connection was established.

W also went into how I was absent when the baby was born. As a new mother and father, we were obviously clueless. My parents once told me that when a woman first has a baby, your job is to take care of your wife, because this will be a bonding time with her and the baby. Yours will come later. At the time, I bothered my W with questions on how to help. She would tell me "just do something". She eventually wrote me out a list of how I could help out, which I thought I followed everyday, but my W said that I never did. I expected the negativity and tried hard during this conversation to bite my tongue. I know she is only seeing the negative right now.

W also mentioned that when the affair was discovered, I did a 180. I started reading all of these books. I took care of her and the baby more than ever. I cleaned the house, did the dishes, washed bottles, did laundry. Started working out. Went to church every Sunday. Was there for my wife and took care of her. I reminded my wife that this actually started a month prior to the affair. 12/14 to be exact when I got the bomb. She said that she actually resented these behaviors of mine, not because she didn't want them out of a lack of caring, but because why now? She said it infuriated her. I was hitting on every one of her issues with me and correcting them. She said that to her, I must have know what each of these failures were for the last five years, never acted on them out of carelessness, and now all of a sudden I am fixing them at the last minute. My therapist told my wife that how could I possibly know of the failures when she didn't communicate her needs to me. The changes that I made came from learning about my self and how to love. I told my wife that I have learned more about myself, the ability to love, and strengthen a relationship in the last six months, than I ever had in 32 years. She told me that she didn't think I could keep it up, and I would get burned out. She is in for the opposite. These fears will only change with consistency on my part. Act. No words. The fact that she notices them was also positive to me. I will not quit.

She gave me the lowdown on her moving out. She signed a six month lease starting 3/5 (the shortest she could get) at the apartment complex her brother lives in. She will be down the street from me and her brother. She mentioned again that she wants me to have full access to our S while he is there. Coming over for bedtime routine, etc. I told her again that I understood her need for space to self discover and was supportive of her. She thanked me. Not looking forward to this, but I will be patient and allow her space.

I know this is tedious, and if you have gotten this far, thank you. As negative of some of the comments made tonight, it was the first time in years that I have ever discovered what my W was lacking in our marriage. The things she wouldn't tell me, or the things she may have told me but never put stress on. This has opened the lines of relationship communication and rebuilding I hope. This also gives me concrete things for me to work on and show her a different side of me now knowing what she is looking for.

I still fear the same sex bit, but there is nothing I can do to make that decision for my wife. I can only show her my best side consistently. I will still detach when needed and GAL. Speaking of GAL, I dropped my wife off after therapy. She asked what if I was headed home. I told her that I was actually going rock climbing with a mutual friend. Her reaction was priceless. What?!? Since when do you rock climb? Not only do you take care of yourself when GAL, you create curiosities. I think I accomplished this tonight

I cannot wait until our next session and continue this communication. I think I now have just the start of something to build on.

[sparks14]

Sorry the last post was a novel. I am so happy with the progress and wanted to make sure I wrote it all down. Even though the many thoughts coming from the W were mostly negative towards me, tonight was a breath of fresh air. At least we are REALLY beginning to communicate about us.

W mentioned a quote that Oprah uses that my therapist knew as well.

"Forgiveness is giving up the idea that you can change the past".

I told my wife that I will not be able to change the past faults of our marriage, but I can now use them as building blocks for a stronger marriage starting now. I can only hope.

[sparks14]

Had a good night sleep last night after spending so much energy reflecting and writing about therapy last night. For those that read my novel, thank you. There is calmness over me right now that is hard to explain.

It is almost as if the last few months (and on some points years), my wife and I had a wall between what we wanted to communicate. I think we opened a whole in that wall. It was not necessarily pretty and filled with admiration, and often the views from her were very critical, but it was a start.

I don't know how this will end in the future, but I finally believe that I have a good set of tools to work with in saving this marriage. I have gained knowledge of not just myself but also how to love. I have a supporting community here that has provided me a wealth of guidance. I have an individual and couples therapist. I now have a wife willing to communicate about our relationship. Through communication, I have concrete emotions and feelings from the past that I can work on for her.

I have to be patient, but I think the longer this takes, the better chance I have to really show my wife how the change in me is not temporary.

Is this what DBing is all about?

[sparks14]

Could use some advice on detaching during your 180. They can co-exist, correct?

W told me how she noticed the 180 in me. She resented it not because she felt smothered by it, but because she wanted to know where that was for the last five years. She felt like I already knew all of the things that put stress on the marriage for her, and I simply changed them. Like I knew about them and had them in this bucket. My therapist was wise enough to tell my W that there was no bucket, because I did not know these things. That is a reason that I can handle. The 180 was doing things differently that I felt needed improvement on my part. She is worried that I will burn out, and it will be short lived. Do I keep up these new behaviors to show her that the change is not short lived? Do I detach when she moves out next week and not keep up the 180?

I ask this, because I have heard that if she chooses to move out, you almost should take the last resort method. I don't think I am there at this time, because we are talking, are going to couples therapy, co-parenting our son, etc. I know this is going to take time and have expressed that I respect her need for space while she self discovers.

Anybody have any suggestions?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

uhhh...

The 180 was doing things differently that I felt needed improvement on my part.

Why would stop any 180 that you you felt was an improvement on your part?

because I have heard that if she chooses to move out, you almost should take the last resort method.

Who said that?

LAST
resort
technique

Last.

You're talking just fine, and Sparks, the LRT...it isn't a trick, and you're not ready for it, you basically have to be a place where you are ok (almost looking forard to it) with her not being in your life, almost more so than with her being in your life.

[angel61]

Sparks, I think in your case, you have both spoken, loud and clear. You have a therapist to guide you as well. She noticed your changes and told you they are exactly what she wants.

I would say keep doing them, maintain your 180's whether you are together or not. Just be careful to give her space (no pressure, follow your schedule for the parenting part, no seeking reassurances from her). The fact that she is in therapy with you speaks volumes. I don't have time to go back to your thread but I do remember somewhere that you posted that she has agreed to work on it, see where it goes.

Keep it up, you are doing a good job!

[sparks14]

Thanks guys. I will keep up with the 180.

The couples therapy had its first good session yesterday. She has not completely agreed to reconcile. She has agreed to go to couple's therapy to rebuild us in an effort to get along regardless of the outcome. She will continue to see her therapist about her sexual orientation questions. We take the long road to trust and forgiveness. Either we stay together or she decides that she needs a woman and goes back to OW. Pretty complicated, but at least therapy and time give me a chance to really DB.

Unfortunately, I had a bad moment tonight. You can read about it in the other thread I just started.

[sparks14]

Still having a hard time detaching from the affair. I think sometimes that I am being played for a fool. I guess it goes back to the plan that the OW wrote to my W in an email. She had every move planned out to get out of their marriages. W said it was all too soon, but she liked the idea of living the rest of their lives together. This included the bomb in December (although OW wanted it in September). It would then include a trial separation while W would live with OW but leave the idea that she could always go back to me if it didn't work with them (which happened for a month until I discovered the affair). Then W would get her own place for awhile, so they could hide it better. Then divorce. I guess what I mean is that it feels like that plan is still in motion even though I may have derailed it a bit by discovering and exposing the affair. W is still moving out next week to "get space" and "self discover".

Then in couples therapy Tuesday, my W mentioned how the emotional connection she made with OW was so easy and so strong. Stronger than any she has ever experienced.

Then there was the comment that she was "putting the OW on the shelf". That the affair is no contact right now, because her therapist suggested it based upon my demand.

Now I get something like last night's suspicions that just didn't add up in my mind. Since when has my wife ever gone to a restaurant bar to get a to-go meal and have a margarita by herself. Not just that, but she left her cell phone in the car. I know my W and her iPhone addiction. There would be no way she would have left that if she was by herself waiting for food. Then when she came in pissed that I had to tell her to be honest with me, she ran out, came back in and dumped her to-go container in my sink. I remember grabbing the food, and it was partially eaten. Like I said, things just didn't add up.

She apologized for her behavior this morning, which is rare. I just feel that she is not being truthful with me that contact with OW does not exist.

In the end, I can do nothing about it and need to detach. How? Are all of the motions that I am going through now and couple's therapy just a big joke and part of their plan? Are they doing it, so I rebuild our relationship enough where the divorce does not get ugly and I go for full custody in our conservative county?

Ahhhhh. Tell me I am doing the right thing here and should never worry about the OW. This is driving me crazy!

[sparks14]

I can keep telling myself over and over that it is not my decision what the W does. I can tell myself that I have to detach and not bring contact with OW or the need for assurances. I am just finding, so difficult right now.

For those that have gone through it and those that haven't, how do you really break free from that fear?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Sparks, yours is a tough one...like you didn't know that.

If she is gay? There's a really expensive and painful operation you could go through and pills to take and thats about it.

If she isn't?

That fear is crippling, the unknown, not knowing what the other person is doing or thinking or deciding. Right?

For me I found pressure on my wife about the OM drive them closer together, when on the surface and at the heart of it they wouldn't have worked out very well in the long run. My pressure I think helped them to become more determined to make it work.

When I stopped?

They imploded months later.

That fear of yours, it is in you. I'm not trying ot be flippant, either harness it, overcome it, or be dominated by it. How you do that? I'm not sure, for me, I realized I made poor choices and was unattractive when I let fear control me.