Allow me also to clarify my answer. There is no hope to save your marriage whilst you H's affair is in progress. For there to be any chance of saving it your H must come clean about whatever you need him to and if he isn't doing this, the A is likely not over.
If you allow yourself to be used, you will be used. If you are weak and accommodating with your H whilst he's seeing OW you will get equivalent results as if you had a sticker saying "USE AND EXPLOIT ME" on your forehead. Very strong and non-negotiable boundaries are everything and there will be some other posters on here who can give you better advice. Puppy and Coach are two if they're still around here.
Good luck and please be strong.
GH31
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
Ok, here is the deal. I have kicked him out. I have sent him info on drug rehab and I HAD sent him his daughter's graduation pics and pics of his mom (which I still have) that he deleted off his computer mistakenly when erasing all evidence of ow being on it...but then I thought...why? Why reward his bad behavior, so I went into his email and deleted all of them and then sent him a pic of ow and a note saying this is the pic you deserve...you and your drug use and association with her led you to betray me and delete your mom and daughter's pics from your computer...you only deserve this pic...get clean. I found out today he has stolen some of my things..tools and such and he wants to come get the rest of his stuff...well, I want my things back so I called and left a voicemail saying some trades were in order...I love him the real him...but I am done being a door mat and I am done being used by a drug user...until he cleans up and loses drug buddies..I will not have him in my life...maybe not good db practice, but good self preservation...
thank you all for tolerating my outbursts..this has been killing me..but I am getting better and I AM staying sober..which is great growth for me...I appreciate all of you...thanks!
...but I am done being a door mat and I am done being used by a drug user...until he cleans up and loses drug buddies..I will not have him in my life...maybe not good db practice, but good self preservation...
Self-preservation comes first in the hierarchy when it comes to abuse situations, Res. Only after he gets help for his drug (and OW) addictions, will you be in a position to DB him. For now, you have to save yourself, and pray that he gets the help he needs.
I do pray he gets help. I love him still, but I love the man not the drug addict/liar/thief/cheater. There is such good in him, but he can not access it now. I miss him sometimes so much it hurts, but I can not go on living like this. Time to gal and move forward...if he joins me in the future, wonderful..if not, I will be ok.
Am working on a professional article for a specialty magazine and more of my professional writing. Doing some things to raise my self esteem. It feels good. Thank you for your support.
I love him the real him...but I am done being a door mat and I am done being used by a drug user...until he cleans up and loses drug buddies..I will not have him in my life...maybe not good db practice, but good self preservation...
I agree with Starsky.
"DBing" in the sense that some might mean here will be utterly lost on your husband while he's using drugs and seeing OW.
There is absolutely no good at all that come from you you enabling him or, in my opnion, having anything to do with him.
The drugs and OW have to go before your marriage stands the remotest chance of survival. And your loving refusal to have any contact with him at all will give him a greater likelihood of reaching rock-bottom faster. Without you there to meet any of his needs his collision course with reality, if he's on one, will be a whole lot faster. What's more you'll be protecting the most important person in your life, yourself. There are no guarantees unfortunately.
best,
GH31
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
Well, I had to have the police call him to get him to text me and tell me when he was coming to get his things. I had two witnesses here to try and keep things civil. I had all of his stuff ready and was trying not to communicate with him. He then told my gal pal that my carpet cleaner was HIS and he was not returning it. I stepped out to rebutt that and smelled alcohol on his breath. I had told him NOT to come if he were not clean and sober. I told him to get out ...he said he was calling cops and got in his truck. So, I called the cops for him and reported him drunk driving. Don't know if they got him or not. Do not care at this point. Put the rest of his things that were in the house in my driveway and left him a message that that is where they are. It is snowing hard. I do not care. He still has a truck here and a truck tool box. He got his good truck. I am sooo done. There is no hope for him. I have to just have hope for myself and my sobriety at this point and keep working on me.
Have to finish an article tomorrow. Still trying to contact last interview subject...who is out of town. Good days ahead..as instead of crying and feeling sad after he left tonight ..at first I was angry..then I just felt relief.
I will be ok. Thanks to all who have commented. I am going to work on GAL. Also, am definitely going to go dark. He probably will only contact to get his truck and his tool box. And that is fine.
Good night all...I hope you all are having more success than I am...with your R's...if not...work on yourselves even more...it's worth it!
Reality is crashing down on him. He is staying at a cheap hotel. He is quite obviously lonely. He does not have the money to rent a place yet. Today, we had our first civil conversation since I don't remember when exactly.
Positives... he says he does not care about drug buddies either, after I say to him....It hurts me to know that you are hanging with people who do not care about you for you..
he says he was voluntarily clean and sober for the year that he was because he did not want drugs or girls, he wanted a good life with me
He also said the things that were important to him were the moments we were holding hands or snuggling on couch or when he kissed the top of my head when I was sleeping in his arms...
He says he is afraid to move back in and get thrown out again...I said I do not want that and understand you feeling that way...I think we both need space and need to just date for a while and do clean and sober activities together to see if we can rekindle anything or if it is too little too late
He is going to call me in the am and come for breakfast/brunch to talk...
