W is bipolar, surfing dating sites, having affair

[Albuquerque]

Reccos,

Sorry you're here. This is not easy on any of us. And you're still new at this. But I have some recommendations.

Your list up above, while true, is really no different than any list any person can make about themselves. We all have issues, personality traits, quirks, etc, that we are not proud of. What you will hear repeated here in MLC land is that if you change FOR your wife, you will ultimately fail. You CANNOT and SHOULD NOT change FOR your wife. You MUST change for YOURSELF. So what does that mean?

I think your list is a good start, but a very superficial first glance at yourself. Let's take, for instance the fact that you state you often ignored her by withdrawing, stonewalling, neglecting your wife. If you're honest with yourself, I'm sure there are aspects of that behavior that you also exhibit with friends or family. You can't change that without going deeper as to the WHY you do these things. I don't pretend to know why. You may not either. But this is the voyage that we must undergo as the LBS. Why were we the way we were (TRULY) and only then can we move forward to address these issues. But you must address them from the perspective of changing them because it's something you dislike about yourself.

For instance, if someone is a bad listener (likes to be the talker and interrupts a lot), and the spouse complains, then the obvious solution is to force yourself to stop talking. So then the next time your spouse talks, you force yourself to listen. But your inner monologue is screaming. You find it very difficult to listen (but are still proud of yourself that you do). Over time, that type of action becomes very frustrating. You either give up trying to silence your inner monologue, or you become bitter and resentful that your spouse doesn't really want to hear your opnions. Either way, that wasn't a REAL change made for the right reason. The better approach would be to stand back and evaluate why you have a need to speak rather than listen. Are you intimidated? Do you have insecurities about something? Do you have an inability to handle being wrong? And then go even deeper than that...WHY do I feel like this. Only then can you look for ways to change your CORE. Then once addressed, moving forward, you will find that the next time you have a conversation, not only is it easy to listen, but you DON'T have that inner monologue screaming at you because YOU have genuinely changed. It's not an act.

Just judging from your posts you're still WAY too focused on your W. That's normal, but it's not where your head needs to be. You must focus on yourself. JUST yourself. That does not mean ignore her. Obviously with kids, you will likely have some contact. But that means stop thinking about how to win her back and start focusing on how to improve yourself. Then no matter what happens, you ARE a winner in the end. This is not a place to learn how to win back your spouse. They are not a prize to be won. They are on a very painful, long voyage of their own.

As for this weekend, if you room together, you expect nothing. And you make no moves. She has made her position clear. Let her wear her cute PJs alone. It is not your place to try and "talk her back to you". Be pleasant and kind and avoid R talk. It is never the right time unless they bring it up, and even then sometimes its not the right time. Remember the mantra, "Believe NONE of what they say and 50% of what they do". You will find it hard to believe, but it is so so true.

So I am not sure going dark or doing a 180 would be in my best interest.

Perhaps going dark may not be, but you must learn to detach. You're still WAY too worried about what she's doing, thinking, saying, etc. You must learn to live your own life and you must at least go dim. She made this choice, you did not. Let her live the life she claims she wants. Don't convince yourself (falsely) that you need to be around her in order to make a difference. This is wishful thinking on your part. Because remember, you cannot change her.

W in fact said at one time that Positive attention is like an aphrodisiac.

So true. And if you provide that in a co-dependent fashion, she will continue to be miserable. You CANNOT spoon feed her happiness. It is a short term fix. She must find it on her own. That is the journey she's on.

So it looks like I need to work on myself and improve in being more positive...

If you work on yourself, the positive part comes naturally. Strength my friend. This is not easy or quick.....