Best thing in your sitch is to put yourself in your W's shoes. REALLY. The impatience comes from selfishness. From the beginning you kept mentioning that you didn't understand why your W couldn't do things that you thought were easy for you to get. That you didn't really need to DB, etc.
The main focus on DB is change. You knew that patience was something you lacked but whenever your W wasn't moving as fast as you thought she should have been moving, you'd get angry.
Make it a point to really understand your W's POV as if it were your own. Build empathy for her. That's where that deep connection will come from. Her EA was based off the idea that the OM "understood her". You need to get to that place. Put her needs before your own. Always. It's tough, but you can do it.
Bond, this is the challenge I face. I believe every experience we take in is wholly unique to us. I don't see blue, they way you see blue.
We are all different people with different experiences. Because of that I can never fully know what it's like for her to go through what she went through. That's not to say I haven't tried. I need to do more to understand and empathize. I'm not using that as a cope-out. And I can really do a lot more try to understand her POV. But I will never see it 100% her way. Maybe that's a flaw that I can't overcome. I don't know. Also, I don't know how to square that with my w telling me to "stop trying to know what [she's] thinking or doing or feeling." ideas?
I need to figure out why in this area I am impatient - you hit on it I'm selfish. FMV hit on it too. Fear. I swear I'm not impatient in most areas of my life.
W called me today to see how my day was going. Had a nice normal conversation. I believe if I work on this as you suggest and address the fear as FMV suggest, it might work out.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
6. There is something behind the impatience. I need to figure it out.
Just a though... do you think it's fear? Sometimes, when I get impatient, it's because deep down I fear it's not going to happen because maybe I didn't deserve it in the first place.
Again, pretty deep and girlie, but just a thought in case it rings a bell for you.
Rang the loudest dang bell I've heard in a while
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
"Also, I don't know how to square that with my w telling me to "stop trying to know what [she's] thinking or doing or feeling." ideas?"
You do it by not telling her that you understand her. You do it through your actions. When you act impatient, it shows that you don't know what she's feeling. When she opens up to you, you just sit and listen. Women don't want solutions (usually). They open up just to be heard. Show her you're listening by nodding your head, asking questions, etc. But don't offer suggestions unless she asks for them.
Never tell her what she's thinking is wrong. Be the friend she can open up to first, then the physical will follow. Show her you're strong enough to be there for her. That she can be "safe" around you.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Awright Harrier buddy, I'm claiming my thread back. lol
You know with all the info and discussion yesterday, I feel like I had another light bulb moment. What I'm about to say here isn't original. It isn't mine and it's not new, but it's now clear to me. When I look at my role in my sitch, it all boils down to one thing. I was selfish. It had several manifestations: sex, my work, my work out schedule, my feelings about W's work, taking care of kids, weekend schedules, house work, extended family plans, etc but at the core it was all me just being selfish. That's it. Just one thing. (in the middle of a bomb related fight, W even yelled one time "You are so damn selfish"). So, how do I change? And change in a meaningful, real way that W can see and feel and is permanent? Well, I can't be selfish. What has W asked me for and been very clear that she needs? Patience and time. What do I want? Not to be patient; I want it all now. So what's most selfish (read: old me) thing I could possibly do? Be impatient and rush her. What's the ONLY thing that will work and prove without a doubt that I'm a new man? Patience. Time. Space. Damn. To me, doesn't get any clearer than that.
Different item: last night continuing great interactions with W. Good conversation. Lots of eye contact. Even another (almost) arm tap. (Don't I sound like a 14 year old boy? "The hot chick ALMOST touched my arm!"). This morning, still good even though W is not a morning person, but that's cool. The funny part: When W was leaving she kissed and hugged the kids. I walked her to the door and she said "Love you, bye" to me without making eye contact and almost rushed to the door. I know I can't mind read, but it looked and felt like "don't look at him, get the hell out of here, if I don't I might kiss him". I smiled and said "love you too". She can't hold out much longer. This is a game and I came damn close to losing, but I'm coming back fast. I feel it.
M: 39 W: 37 Married: 9 D5; S3 "It's Over" 09/26/10 11 Day Sep 10/10 Piecing Starts 11/4/10 Piecing Fails 4/11 I move out 5/11 Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11 Piecing #2 - 6/22/11 Home 10/11
From my experience with piecing, which is ongoing and always will be with my marriage.
Since both of us were working toward addressing problems and trying to work through them, That DB rule of no R talks, had to go by the wayside. Modified, of course.
Understand she was in a place where she was working on being married to me. So, take the R talk advice with a grain of salt.
Now, I wanted to have an R talk...pfffpt what every day? Temperature check, for that needy I need validation sort of codependant person.
But I also knew that there was no way she would want that...and who would besides an LBS?
I offered to her a compromise, that I would try not to inititate them but once a month or longer, and if something was really bothering me, I would also try and figure it out on my own, and not let it affect our interactions. If I couldn't get over, past or determine that it wasn't important, I would bring it up rather than let it affect me and us.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
My H always gave in to me, let me have my way because a) it was just easier AND b) he feared I'd leave him. He spoiled me.
This built resentment up over 24+ years and eventually led to the A where he was the hero, the man, admired with adoring eyes, listened to over drinks after work...and
I'm really working hard to "hear" him and see his POV. Working hard to empathize and validate. I'm so blind to it sometimes. I can do it so well with my friends. With H it appears to be a power struggle. We vie for alpha! LOL..... In MC we are tackling this one. It's all still new. When we find a formula to "fix" this, I'll be sure to share.
MZ
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
Years ago we worked on after-work communication. I'd want to come home and vent. When I vented, he always wanted to give me a solution. We'd end up fighting. I already KNEW the solution, I just wanted to vent. Actually, I just wanted to B*&#^H!
It was always so nice when he would just say, "Oh honey" in a sorry way... "What an a$$h#!e!" in an agreeing way....
Point- JUST listen, don't try to fix.
We're revisiting the after-work thing too, because I guess that has been upsetting him. I was feeling better, but he wasn't.
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
