Well it has been a few months since I posted here, I believe there is great value in the Divorce Busting techniques, unfortunately I discovered them much too late, and actually read the book only after my wife had already moved out and filed for divorce. If I would have stumbled on this book 9 months ago, I can't help but think it would have been a different story.
So I signed my final divorce papers about a week ago, so my marriage at least on paper is over. My ex-wife is very adamant about keeping up a friendship, she will admit that over the last few months she has avoided contact and doing things because she knew I wished to work on our marriage and she did not. Now that is no longer a possibility, she seems willing to do things. I did a poor job of "detaching" and when I tried I believe it was too late, now we have done the ultimate detach in finalizing divorce. I told her that from here on out, how we end up will be entirely up to her, putting the ball in her court. We have a pet together, a house together that is for sale but realistically may not sell for a while, so it's not like I can avoid contact with her.
I guess my question is this, how do I try to interact with her now? The "pressure" of being married is gone, so we will see if she lives up to her word and pursue's a friendship. I have read countless posts on here about becoming friends first, she would not allow that while we were legally married, so now I feel like I have a good chance to build a friendship and see where it goes from there. Would love some ideas, suggestions, etc. I want to make our interactions from now on as pleasant as possible, stress free, fun, everything they weren't for a while now. Thanks for the input.
H 30 Ex-W 27 M 3.5 years Together 7.5 years ILYBNILWY 2/2010 Divorced 2/2011
I'm pretty sure you hacked my account and copied my story! lol
I'm in the exact same place that you are... add in the wrinkle that I am looking for a job 500 miles away from my wife but have convinced myself that that will give us our best chance at reconnecting and I am pretty much your story.
It's never too late to db... at least that's what I hope. I know of almost no couple that split that didn't at least at some point try to see if they could work it out. Usually the person who wanted to save the marriage is so hurt by that point that they can't get over that. I think that that is why detachment is so important. I think that it helps you to get into a good place mentally without building all of the resentment that comes when you detach naturally.
I really have no idea what my chances are of getting back with my wife. I know that she questioned whether or not was making the right decision and basically everything that I did pushed her farther away to the point where she had to follow through with it to keep from feeling like she was letting herself down. Now she is there and I have to hope that it's not the peace that she was looking for. I have to hope that when everything slows down and she looks around she will miss me. I am keeping myself very open and vulnerable in order to not let resentment creep into my life but that is the price that I am willing to pay.
BITS
M 11/11/00 Bomb end of September 2010 Filed 11/9/10
It is so inspiring to see people come here after their divorce has already been finalized.
I am on the verge of that as well, and what I've realized is that at least for now I'm still okay with following a 6 month plan for things I now want to be, do and have in my life.
While it is difficult to envision or dream of a life without my wife, and while there is no way I can feel good about following a plan that depends on the actions of a partner who is not committed, what I'm going to do is chart a course for myself that will leave either road open to me in the future.
This will give me something to focus on for awhile, that I know will lead to good things no matter which way it goes.
My DB coach suggested I find and do things that truly put a bounce in my step. I highly recommend you do the same.
I also recommend you pick up Debbie Ford's excellent book:
"Using Divorce As A Catalyst For An Extraordinary Quality Of Life."
Peace.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
Bursting Mode, CDR, and What’s Next, My own sitch is just far enough behind yours that I still have some hope of derailing the D train. I know there is little hope now, but I will continue to believe.
CDR like you we will have to sell the house if W continues to pursue the D. I hope I can be as gracious as you seem to be and stifle the resentment I am sure to feel.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Haven't posted on your thread yet, but thought I might give some advice, for what it's worth.
Time for The Last Resort Technique (LRT) fella's, IMHO! Remember, DBing is really for your own growth, and the hope is that it would restore your M's, but if not, then at least restore your own selves.
Take care.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
wow it does make me feel better than i am not alone here, and that many of you find yourself in the same situation. like i said, i think the advice here and in the books is excellent, i only wished i had started sooner. i was divorce busting, doing the LRT for about 5 weeks. i was bubbly when i saw my ex-wife, made sure to not answer the phone when she called all the time, made sure if she stopped by i wasn't always home. the effect it had was this....
one day i got a text from my ex-wife at work, she said it made her feel so much better that i was handling things so well (this was after the D was filed). i really didn't know how to respond to this, i was kind of stunned actually. my db coach insisted this was good, make her think, wonder why i was so happy when she was divorcing me?? my ex-w commented around the holidays that i never wanted to talk about our "R", that when she called i never answered. i'm not sure if i missed a chance here, but she pretty clearly had her mind made up for a long time so i don't think so.
so i am where i am now, divorce finalized, home for sale, detached as far as she is concerned. she called me tonight as i was a little upset over some "rumors" i had heard thru mutual friends about our split. she tried calling and texting me today and i didn't answer, said i was busy. when i did talk to her tonight, she said she was sick to her stomach that i was so upset today, and that she was happy with where we were now ("friends") in her words. so i guess i keep DB'ing, like i said we still have a home together, a dog, it's not like i can avoid any contact. my hope is now that we are divorced she is open to starting a friendship, and we'll see where it goes.
our marriage counselor told us in 40 years of doing this that my ex and I had everything a couple should have to live a long happy life together, i'm not going to let a single piece of paper defeat that, at least not yet. good luck to all, keep up the good fight.....
