Bolt tunring again

[Bolt]

hey y'all...

I can tell I'm getting a little better at this patience thing. Had another great night. Lots of spooning and that crap (well, not that's it crap) but a good night (not a great night - if you catch my drift).

This morning we're just all hanging out, very cuddly. I mention to the W if we could chat today about the second part of the "apology" that she's wanted from me. We had a great first part on sunday and today was the only good day to chat about it.

She was a little stand-offish and said that she wasn't sure and definitely didn't want to talk about it now.

I was cool and said, "I just wanted to put that out there since we had time today."

I REALLY wanted to say that we needed to talk about it but I quickly quelled that emotion. I got out of the room - not angrily - but to collect my thoughts.

Here's what went through my mind:

Why is it always on HER time? Do I not have a say in this? Why is it that now, after all of this time in our R is it completely one-sided? I always felt that during our R that it was a parntership - is it completely my fault that she felt it wasn't yet didn't tell me? Tell me in a way that I could understand it?

But now that she DOES know that we are both understanding what is going on, she wants to go COMPLETELY on her pace...

OK

So that's what I WAS thinking. I decided to just bottle it up because it hasn't been THAT long since we had a good chat and things are progressing. I realized that if I pushed her before she was ready, that things could blow up in my face and we end up further back.

But here's the cool thing. I thought, when I bottled it up, great - I'm just doing what she did and walk on eggshells around her by not rocking the boat. I'm not looking at it that way now. I see my internal outburst as a sign of impatience and that's it. My lack of patience can get me into trouble and HAS in the past. I'm not letting it now.

Before, this would have ruined my whole day. But now, getting it out (in this forum and journaling) allows me to move past it and continue on my day.

We still may have that convo today and if we do, great - I'm prepared for it.

BUT if we don't - great. I'm prepared for that too.


Is that a lesson for a bunch of us out there?

I hope so.

Because here's the grand scope of things. Remember where you are now and where you WERE NOT where you WANT to be. Just this morning she had her arms around me and let me "explore" a bit in a northern hemisphere(s) I haven't been to in a while

She even did this little thing to me that shows her love - I know it's silly but - she looked at me, smiled and rubbed my head like you do a dog.

I KNOW it's weird but I totally dug it.

THOSE are the things I remember. NOT that she isn't ready to talk about something heavy. We're just letting it happen.