First I want to thank you for your concern for me here in your posts and on Cas thread. I actually spend a good deal of time thinking about your situation. I want you to know I have been reading along.
I have been trying to come up with a reason based on my experiences as to why your XH behaves uptight and tense and erupts in tantrums from time to time when you two are having an interaction or the possibility of one is likely.
This is hard for me to write so it's understood.
I think your XH reacts in these ways because he knows what you ultimately want from him (your goal) and what you are trying to do to get there. This is not to say he isn't interested, because he is.
Many times when I tried to turn my H on he would behave more distant than when I cooled it down and acted more aloof.
Example: Once last summer H suggested I wear a denim skirt and give him eye candy when we were going off together to buy son a gift. I had planned that Saturday to wear denim jeans and a sweet little pink top I have with sandals. I obliged H and changed my bottom outfit. Interestingly he appeared to like the outfit but complained that my skirt was not short enough even though he was turned on by the look. I stupidly thought this was a turning point and got the forbidden expectations.
The very next weekend H took son off for a day and I got all jazzed up in a different skirt and dark blue sexy tank. When they returned H would not even come near me, he looked at me alright but behaved like a cold dead fish and was what I would have called a complete a-hole jerk. Interesting to note this time....when H left the house son said "Mom, Dad knew what you were trying to do. Mom, If I knew you were trying to look pretty FOR HIM and make him like you, Dad knew it too. You shouldn't have done it, Mom." I was crushed! My 14 year old was so right!
So, what I think is that this reconnection and reconcilement has to happen quietly and slowly. It has to happen at a pace that XH feels comfortable and relaxed about. On his timetable. While you are sure this is what you want, XH is not. This is why this is such hard work. This has to be his idea. You can only do what you are doing and no more. If you rush him, he runs. When you distant, he gains comfort around you. This is all weird they don't want to be defensive around us, they somehow just are. I believe it's a part of their self-protection. They don't want to get hurt. By letting their guard down too quickly they risk their heart.
You are doing marvelous at making him feel good and desired. He has come along way already. (((((GAG))))) this is all uncharted water, it's sooo hard to know how to act and react. When is interaction too much? Why does a positive, have a bad result? Why does this take sooo long? What is still wrong between us? What do I do when H/XH comes out of tunnel and is inviting and warm? Do I hug him/kiss him/stay on the other side of the room? Why does he treat me unfriendly and mean?
These guys have a lot of feelings to come to terms with first of all within themselves. In my case H thinks I hurt him and so he left. He has spent 5.5 years getting to a place he can admit he is still in love with me. He isn't ready yet by a long shot. He has bouts of clarity and they do seem longer in duration, the bottom line is he isn't ready to accept me completely and come back. This will be on his terms and timetable and not mine. I have accepted this. I am still at arms length. It isn't fun at all.
That is why I take H's leads on how to act or react in his presence. I do admit that I am not comfortable in making any first moves. What I am comfortable doing is creating a loving, warm haven and that is about it. I still do not make contact to H. YES, he has the control over the situation, I have conceded that I am powerless to offer ultimatums and order H to return. All I can do is create the environment one would be crazy not to want to live in.
The beginnings of a relationship start as friends, we are all at the beginning again and this has to be built up in teeny baby steps. We have all heard that when it is rushed, it fails.
Your XH realizes he has rekindled feelings for you. He is afraid to let them out for the world to see. He will guard them and hide them until he is convinced that it will work out with you again. This is a saving face and pride issue with him.
This happened to me many times, you will notice that he is much more relaxed around you when you two are alone than he will be when there is an audience. This will happen for a very long time to come.
I think at X-MIL birthday party he was particularly warm because X-MIL loves you very much and he cannot be anything but warm with you in front of her especially at this stage in her life. It was not an act. The audience already knew that you two interact very frequently. He could be comfortable and relaxed with you, it was a safe situation.
Now with X-SIL, as far as he knows she does not really have a full knowledge of the situation of late. He does not want her to get involved. He likes it that you two are friends, heck he encourages it.....This is a very good thing!! He knew you two would talk about him. The timetable and being late made him nervous, it seemed too long. It made him want to not see either one of you out of fear (like he had done something wrong....you know the look I am trying to describe) of what the topic actually was.
I wonder if he involves her he will think that she will expect a reconcilement is in the works and she will tell to all. Since this is not what he is ready for. It's easier for him to seem all troubled/put out and jerky instead, she will have no idea of any reconnection this way. I am sure she said "WTH, brother?" He probably gruffly acted put out with her as well.
Your H has most likely already forgotten that he behaved like a brat throwing a tantrum. He will not remember the scene like you and X-SIL will for sure. It is something to let go, never to be brought up. Move on from it.
I have a thought....Since your tree has been saved and is looking very mighty once again, you could take a photo of the tree and the pile of limbs and branches and email them to XH, thanking him for all his help in deciding to save such a grand old tree from the lumber mill.
I am not sure if I repeated myself here, I hope not. I also hope that my thoughts are clear. I have experienced the tantrums and the result is that it was not really to be worried about. H returned to me in his time. I did the right thing by being aloof and appearing not to be bothered.
Have a good week (((((GAG))))), we are getting your weather tomorrow.....I saw a flock of Robins last week down by the ocean, that is usually a great sign of spring up here. Old man winter isn't leaving just yet, and it makes me worry about where they will go for protection.
With warm thoughts and hugs,
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
I think Sandrika post is right on. It is all about pursuit and distance. Realizing that men and women have different traits that they pursue and distance is also key here. Women are normally emotional pursurers and men are normaly sexual pursures. So if the roles are reversed or the distancer feels too much pursuit, that is where the conflict exists. I think her description explains it better than I can but I see the dynamics of this at work here. We need to 180 what is "normal" and sometimes not distance or pursue but just be still. The old squirrel analogy. Hold you hand out and try to feed the squirrel without scaring him away.
It is a tightrope and the drop to the ground can scare any of us from trying to be on the high wire.
Thank you VERY much for your thoughts after my last post. I have been thinking about what you both wrote, reading parts of "I Do Again" by Jeff and Cheryl Scruggs over the weekend, and thinking about what to reply. I hope to post that response in the next couple days.
I'm posting tonight because I have a update of sorts. I visited X-MIL yesterday and found out that she has contracted a painful skin condition. She was being medicated with a narcotic and so she was pretty sleepy. If I hadn't known she was being medicated I would have thought she was slipping quickly. XH returned from his conference and visited sometime after me so I would imagine it was difficult for him to see her that way. Don't know whether he knew she'd been medicated when he visited. We exchanged 1 brief text message about the above..........so minimal communication from XH. Today I sent an e-mail to XH and his sister about their mother's medical condition. I received the following e-mail from X-SIL:
"GAG,
Wanted to thank you again for the book and lunch on Saturday. I really enjoyed talking with you, and paid the price later (Mr. GAG was REALLY ticked!). Such is life.
You have come so far after your divorce and have certainly made lemonade out of lemons. I'm impressed that you have joined a divorce support group and that you have so many new interests! I'm very proud of you! I'm not sure I could do that well if I were in your situation.
As always, I appreciate all you do for Mom.........I think as Mom's condition deteriorates, Mr. GAG will be less able to handle the situation. What that means is that if Mr. GAG seems short with you, just let it go. I know this is VERY hard for him to deal with this, and there's not one thing I can do to help him. OK, one thing - (omitted)..................I will continue to search for ways I can assist him with this. If you think of anything I can do for this situation from here, please let me know.
So, thanks for listening and being there for both Mr. GAG and me. You're one special lady!
Blessings,
X-SIL"
So I really appreciated the attagirl from X-SIL. It makes me wonder thought if I may be DB'ing so much that I'm outshining XH a bit......so I wrote this in a reply to X-SIL:
"X-SIL,
I want to add to my previous reply that Mr. GAG has played a huge role in helping to maintain the friendly relationship we have. Many of the people I know are surprised at how well Mr. GAG and I get along. I don’t think there are many people who would be able to do what we have done. I knew he was special when I got to know him and this proves it.
Just wanted you to know that I give Mr. GAG a lot of credit for this.
Thanks for your vote of support. When I see Mr. GAG's moodiness I have no way of knowing whether he's moody with other people, so it was helpful feedback from X-SIL that XH has been moody.
Just got a very short e-mail from XH saying:
"Thanks for the info.... actually I saw Momz rash the first time she entered the hospital six weeks ago. They said then that it was just a heat rash. ????
Anyway... thanks for the help. See you Wed.
Mr. G"
...........so I guess our weekly TT game is on for Wednesday. Thinking I'll suggest to XH that we go eat at the little Cuban restaurant after TT. Thinking he may want to unload about his mother's health to a supportive ear.
You are right, we have no way of knowing how they behave with others...so what SIL said is helpful...helps you not to take it too personally when XH is not all smiles when you are together...you know that it's not you it's him.
Can't wait to read about your next evening with Mr. GAG...
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
My H, even now that he is 'living with the love of his life' is still moody and depressed. (Even before filing for D)
I do wonder if they ever make the connection through this that even though they have changed their circumstances (separation, D, ow/om) that they are still unhappy?
Have fun at TT tonight!!! Looking forward to the update!
Been lurking a bit lately, nothing to add about the interaction with X-SIL, it was all very informative for you and gives you a better understanding of XH and his MLC.
Love what Mila said.....
Originally Posted By: Mila
helps you not to take it too personally when XH is not all smiles when you are together...you know that it's not you it's him.
The other thing to consider here is that we are all imperfect people and heck there are days(sometimes they run together) where we all are a little crabby.......doesn't mean it is neccessarily "MLC fog" or any other mental defect going on.
Glad to hear that the TT game is on this week!! You really are becoming a stable fixture in his life, someone he can count on, someone that supports him, someone that offers friendship and understanding, someone that accepts him, someone that he is safe with, someone that he enjoys spending time with, someone that does not pressure him, someone that shares common interests with him,
someone that still loves him.
I hope he realizes just how lucky he is......
I hope you guys have a great time tonight.......no advice for tonight other than.......
Have fun!!!! you deserve it!!
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Quick update. I will post tomorrow afternoon (my afternoon off) if I don't post after TT this evening. I have been keeping up on everyone's sitches, just haven't had much time to post. I've been reading and thinking and have found some things that I think will interest others.
XH's texts/emails have been short and curt over the past week. Yesterday got an e-mail from X-SIL addressed to XH and me about their mother and XH responded to that in a short, curt, almost defensive manner........so he's not saving his defensiveness/anger just for me.
I emailed him yesterday to ask if he wanted to go to the Cuban restaurant after TT and he responded within a couple minutes: "........I will see you Wed. at 6:30 for TT and dinner after. Mr. G" , so we are going to dinner this evening after TT.........and MHL, I think you are right that Mr. GAG sees me as someone that he can talk to. If the mood is right this evening I am going to ask if he wants to go see the big King Tut exhibit that just opened in town. It's never been in this part of the country before and it may be the special event that I've been waiting to invite him to.
I plan to be supportive this evening, not flirty. My sense is that he is depressed and irritable for the past few weeks, so flirting would not be appropriate right now.
