......are these itty bitty baby steps?

[Sanderika]

Hi GAG,

First I want to thank you for your concern for me here in your posts and on Cas thread. I actually spend a good deal of time thinking about your situation. I want you to know I have been reading along.

I have been trying to come up with a reason based on my experiences as to why your XH behaves uptight and tense and erupts in tantrums from time to time when you two are having an interaction or the possibility of one is likely.

This is hard for me to write so it's understood.

I think your XH reacts in these ways because he knows what you ultimately want from him (your goal) and what you are trying to do to get there. This is not to say he isn't interested, because he is.

Many times when I tried to turn my H on he would behave more distant than when I cooled it down and acted more aloof.

Example: Once last summer H suggested I wear a denim skirt and give him eye candy when we were going off together to buy son a gift. I had planned that Saturday to wear denim jeans and a sweet little pink top I have with sandals. I obliged H and changed my bottom outfit. Interestingly he appeared to like the outfit but complained that my skirt was not short enough even though he was turned on by the look. I stupidly thought this was a turning point and got the forbidden expectations.

The very next weekend H took son off for a day and I got all jazzed up in a different skirt and dark blue sexy tank. When they returned H would not even come near me, he looked at me alright but behaved like a cold dead fish and was what I would have called a complete a-hole jerk. Interesting to note this time....when H left the house son said "Mom, Dad knew what you were trying to do. Mom, If I knew you were trying to look pretty FOR HIM and make him like you, Dad knew it too. You shouldn't have done it, Mom." I was crushed! My 14 year old was so right!

So, what I think is that this reconnection and reconcilement has to happen quietly and slowly. It has to happen at a pace that XH feels comfortable and relaxed about. On his timetable. While you are sure this is what you want, XH is not. This is why this is such hard work. This has to be his idea. You can only do what you are doing and no more. If you rush him, he runs. When you distant, he gains comfort around you. This is all weird they don't want to be defensive around us, they somehow just are. I believe it's a part of their self-protection. They don't want to get hurt. By letting their guard down too quickly they risk their heart.

You are doing marvelous at making him feel good and desired. He has come along way already. (((((GAG))))) this is all uncharted water, it's sooo hard to know how to act and react. When is interaction too much? Why does a positive, have a bad result?
Why does this take sooo long? What is still wrong between us? What do I do when H/XH comes out of tunnel and is inviting and warm? Do I hug him/kiss him/stay on the other side of the room? Why does he treat me unfriendly and mean?

These guys have a lot of feelings to come to terms with first of all within themselves. In my case H thinks I hurt him and so he left. He has spent 5.5 years getting to a place he can admit he is still in love with me. He isn't ready yet by a long shot. He has bouts of clarity and they do seem longer in duration, the bottom line is he isn't ready to accept me completely and come back. This will be on his terms and timetable and not mine. I have accepted this. I am still at arms length. It isn't fun at all.

That is why I take H's leads on how to act or react in his presence. I do admit that I am not comfortable in making any first moves. What I am comfortable doing is creating a loving, warm haven and that is about it. I still do not make contact to H. YES, he has the control over the situation, I have conceded that I am powerless to offer ultimatums and order H to return. All I can do is create the environment one would be crazy not to want to live in.

The beginnings of a relationship start as friends, we are all at the beginning again and this has to be built up in teeny baby steps. We have all heard that when it is rushed, it fails.

Your XH realizes he has rekindled feelings for you. He is afraid to let them out for the world to see. He will guard them and hide them until he is convinced that it will work out with you again. This is a saving face and pride issue with him.

This happened to me many times, you will notice that he is much more relaxed around you when you two are alone than he will be when there is an audience. This will happen for a very long time to come.

I think at X-MIL birthday party he was particularly warm because X-MIL loves you very much and he cannot be anything but warm with you in front of her especially at this stage in her life. It was not an act. The audience already knew that you two interact very frequently. He could be comfortable and relaxed with you, it was a safe situation.

Now with X-SIL, as far as he knows she does not really have a full knowledge of the situation of late. He does not want her to get involved. He likes it that you two are friends, heck he encourages it.....This is a very good thing!! He knew you two would talk about him. The timetable and being late made him nervous, it seemed too long. It made him want to not see either one of you out of fear (like he had done something wrong....you know the look I am trying to describe) of what the topic actually was.

I wonder if he involves her he will think that she will expect a reconcilement is in the works and she will tell to all. Since this is not what he is ready for. It's easier for him to seem all troubled/put out and jerky instead, she will have no idea of any reconnection this way. I am sure she said "WTH, brother?" He probably gruffly acted put out with her as well.

Your H has most likely already forgotten that he behaved like a brat throwing a tantrum. He will not remember the scene like you and X-SIL will for sure. It is something to let go, never to be brought up. Move on from it.

I have a thought....Since your tree has been saved and is looking very mighty once again, you could take a photo of the tree and the pile of limbs and branches and email them to XH, thanking him for all his help in deciding to save such a grand old tree from the lumber mill.

I am not sure if I repeated myself here, I hope not. I also hope that my thoughts are clear. I have experienced the tantrums and the result is that it was not really to be worried about. H returned to me in his time. I did the right thing by being aloof and appearing not to be bothered.

Have a good week (((((GAG))))), we are getting your weather tomorrow.....I saw a flock of Robins last week down by the ocean, that is usually a great sign of spring up here. Old man winter isn't leaving just yet, and it makes me worry about where they will go for protection.

With warm thoughts and hugs,

Sanderika