It's me that's cycling!

[Sanderika]

Hi Cas,

Thank you.

I am going to address as much as possible in this post that you questioned and journalled in your last one.

I have mentioned to H the D proceedings three times and filing a dismissal. I even have them typed out and have shown them to H. He insists that he still wants to to this but does not initiate getting them notarized with me. I have suggested this three times and refuse to mention it again. I have the papers in the console of my vehicle in case opportunity presents itself.

Our lives are not very different from yours, timetables are the only difference.

In my 5.5 years my H has been missing from our lives more than he has been a part of them. My H has chosen the OW and her family over his own including his son, father and brothers more times than I can count. The things that my H has done are actually so hurtful to son and I that I have done my best to bury them inside my being. For when I do bring them to the surface I get very angry and cry and I try really hard to not do that. It does not make a pretty picture! Ultimately it is more harmful than good.

I made up my mind 5.5 years ago that I was going to live differently and with kindness and love. I will not be otherwise at this point in time, it will gain me nothing....anywhere and everywhere.

My son refuses to call his father. H calls for son on a rare occasion and I have to insist and force son to accompany his father in the invite...and it doesn't matter what the invite entails, it could be Disney World and son would fuss and try and wrangle his way out.

In my case, H knows why his son will not warm up to him and accept his gestures. I have told H. He has been reported to say that he knows he abandoned his son and was not much of a father and has huge regrets. I think it's only been since October that I have seen an improvement in their relationship. I am to credit for much of it. H is still blind to son's true feelings.

Three weeks ago, son's snowmobile broke down and son tried to call H for help after I failed to be any. H refused to answer son's call. Son left a VM and it was also not returned. As we walked from our barn to our house I told son I was sorry his father was not here for him. Son said he knew he only had one parent who cared and was here for him. He also said that he plans on telling H exactly what he thinks and feels but is waiting until he turns 18 to do it. My son does not mince words and is very direct. One knows where they stand with him always. One day it will be very sad for H. Son will slam him like he never had.

When H does try and engage son, it's hard work for H. I love it.

My son is forbidden from having any contact with OW. Son, H and OW knows this. It's not up for discussion.

(((((Cas))))) Even though I have had H in/out of my life fairly steadily it still is just as gutwrenching. Our situation revolves in a 4-6 week pattern vs. your 8-10 week pattern. Your list of 1 through 5 above is the same here. I have steadily experienced all in your list over and over again. So much that I am dizzy thinking about it.

Yes, Cas, move along with your own life and interests. It's good all around. It shows them we are not dependent and we are doing fine. REMEMBER: Living well is the sweetest revenge

This is not about revenge either, I am not a grudge holder or a revenge seeker. I aim to show H that I am fine without him and I live well. He can then compare the pathetic life he now has with what he had and could have should he choose to get his head out of his a$$.

Your H did come looking for you. It was a clear moment. Your H peeks inside because his life $uck$. He is not happy. He has moments of clarity and they ALWAYS lead to you. This is MLC. This is the journey that is filled with turmoil and hurt. We are a part of it no matter what. Cas, I will always have this feeling of wanting my marriage back. I can't shake it no matter how hard I try. I think you and I are the same. We are along for the ride and really have no choice. We have desires to have things be different, our souls will not let go. I believe I am doing the right thing, I believe it is a higher power guiding me.

I give my H what he is looking for. I want to be the port in the storm. I don't give a rats butt about the OW and her feelings. In my case OW isn't human. I am married to the man. H is my husband. I am not the OW or the cheater, I have the rights on paper and according to the law. OW is a home-wrecking, low-life piece of chit. OW will always be unworthy. Her true self is not nice. OW aims to cause destruction and pain and she gloats and takes huge satisfaction in living immorally and without values.

We can detach without expectations. We can live well. We can be kind and friendly to them. We can leave the door open a crack. We can also choose to slam it shut forever. The options are all ours. H can't choose. H is stuck in the loop. If you think about it, we ARE happier on a bad day than they are on a good one.

Cas, who says YOU can't break the silence with MIL. You have the option to call her. If the truth be known she wants to talk to you and stubbornness is keeping her from reaching out. I know she was mean to you. It would be taking the higher road and living well to extend the olive branch to her. I don't think it would bother H one bit if you two were friendly. It's about being whole and having no regrets and forgiving all.

H was railroaded into making a choice by the OW with pleading and false promises. H really does not see the danger or ramifications yet of agreeing to let her and son be roomies. One of these days it will be as clear as a bell. You/Your home will be the place he will go to. Leave the path open and warm.

I believe in my suggestions and the choices I have made. I believe the road I have taken has been the best possible way to engage my H and try and turn this mess around. The alternative would have given me nothing.

Cas, it's a bright place that OW will not be with them this weekend. Perhaps you could plan a relaxing birthday regardless of the circumstances.

When H texts you with a "Happy Birthday", you say "Thanks H, I appreciate the thought of me :)"

((((Cas)))), please take care and live everyday "as if".

Sanderika

[dolphin_05]

How's this for interesting??? OW and her son have moved out. H told D and said she was welcome to come and stay. D was too shocked to ask anymore.

[Sanderika]

Hip Hip Hooray!!!!!!!!!!

I am sooooo happy reading this this morning

I knew it was doomed!!!!!!!!!!!

I originally gave it 6 months, but 6 weeks!!!!! It reveals they are not compatible, even a little bit.

It will be interesting to hear what happened should H open up and reveal the reasons.

(((((Cas)))))

This week got a whole lot better for all of us!!!!!

Sanderika

[Lost Rabbit]

Scuse me I too busy dancing round the lounge in celebration to finish post!

What fabulous news, well there is a brain in his head some where then? Me wonders if he has spent some time comparing and found her to be seriously wanting..

Look forward to the rest of the update, but its particuarly good that D is able to visit dad more comfortably now!

[goodattitudegirl]

Cas,

This is FABULOUS news!!!!!!!! Sending you virtual "high-fives" and fist bumps. It just goes to prove that we really don't have any idea what is going on inside their heads at any given time. Sending a prayer that this will make H question his actions and begin to realize that he has a mental health problem. MIL's head must be spinning around like LInda Blair's head in "The Excorcist".

Do you think this will change the way you plan to interact with H at all at this time?

(((((((((Cas))))))))))))

GAG

[dolphin_05]

Hello Sanderika, Rabbit and GAG, On my way to work so just a quick message but I will check in later for a longer response to your messages.

Just to say...... I don't know what is going on at all and can only presume they are still together. However, it just told me that they are obviously unable to play happy families. Last night H emailed me to say he could help with a lift for D next Fri (I have a Hen's night), asked me for the separation papers and wished me a happy and enjoyable day for my birthday which isn't til Monday.

Hugs,

Cas

[goodattitudegirl]

Cas,

I don't know what is going on at all and can only presume they are still together

I would think this ^^^^^^^ is only possible if OW is really willing to be a doormat. Where would she go? Is it possible that D misunderstood what H said?

Why would H ask for the separation papers after this?

Cas, Mila just had an interesting convo with her H today. It sheds some light on the mindset of an MLCer. If you haven't already, you might want to take a look at it.

Best wishes to you!

GAG

[dolphin_05]

Hello again,

H rang after I text him over the separation paperwork in reply to his email. We talked for a while about paperwork, settlement and daughter. No mention of divorce.

It was a fairly frank conversation and was calm and relatively easy. Of course, it was my fault settlement was delayed so often.

H says that he thinks that without the settlement we are both in limbo and it's gone on for long enough. I agreed and said I wanted it over.

He said that we need settlement done to really have any proper friendship. I agreed and I said that although I had tried very hard I felt that I still had some trust issues which meant I perhaps judged him too harshly and unfairly. I elaborated and he said it was fair enough that I felt this way given past events. (eg when he is nice to me I sometimes wonder if he is being nice to me because he's being nice or perhaps he is trying to keep on the right side of me because of settlement)

I am at the stage where I am just saying it as it is.

H says he wants to do things like go to swimming with D but gets the feeling that she doesn't want him there. (Prob true...she is like that towards him)

H says that when the settlement is over he thinks we can start afresh (as friends) and wipe the slate clean. (Have heard this line before)

He doesn't want arguments and if there are arguments he will want to just stay away so that we can't argue (the funny thing is last time there was no argument...he just got the guilts over the concert and created an issue and told me to go away)

I did say that there would always be arguments and I couldn't promise otherwise.

As my thread title says, I am cycling. I am still detached which has allowed me to speak openly and honestly. I am not sure what i think or feel anymore.

I did say that I was happy to be friends but that he had to do his share of nurturing the friendship because I wouldn't do all the work anymore. he says ok but he won't.

Perhaps I was too direct but I think i'm protecting myself a little.

Cas, Mila just had an interesting convo with her H today. It sheds some light on the mindset of an MLCer. If you haven't already, you might want to take a look at it.

And yes GAG I did read Mila's thread and there were aspects that sounded like conversations I've had before (but I've had no terms of endearment or tears coming from my H)

I would think this is only possible if OW is really willing to be a doormat.

I would say that ow is a doormat. That's why it's lasted so long. She has waited patiently for H all this time. She has put up with the limited time he gave her. Can't imagine what happened. S didn't know. All I know is that it has shown that this is as shallow as I imagined it was. It certainly has not worked out as H said it would. However, H did say it was not permanent. Perhaps she found the perfect place.

Where would she go? Is it possible that D misunderstood what H said?

Who knows where she'd go. It would be around here though because her son is in school here.

Why would H ask for the separation papers after this?

Because he has no intentions of having me in his life. It's too hard for him to face up to all the hurt he has caused.

Cas

[dolphin_05]

This is FABULOUS news!!!!!!!! Sending you virtual "high-fives" and fist bumps.

I don't think this necessarily says they have split. She will still want to be with him and perhaps it was her son that was the problem, not ow. It will be revealed over the coming weeks.

It just goes to prove that we really don't have any idea what is going on inside their heads at any given time.

That's true! I wonder if they even have any real idea.

MIL's head must be spinning around like LInda Blair's head in "The Excorcist".

LOL. I'm wondering if he's even told MIL. He is visiting MIL this weekend so I think he probably would have told them then.

Do you think this will change the way you plan to interact with H at all at this time?

I have no idea. i don't know what to do anymore! Just totally confused and so busy changing my mind back and forth. I'll rely on forthcoming advice from the wise friends here!

[dolphin_05]

I know I still haven't responded properly to you Sanderika but the circumstances have changed a little and I'm not sure at all where I am or what I'm doing!!
I need to reflect a little longer. Take care and thanks again for your generosity and your wisdom, Cas.