Bobby, Good to hear from you again and glad you let go, hard to do, I know.
Please be careful here with your wife, as Grit said wait until her actions match her words.
Do not try to aleviate her guilt with statements like this....
Originally Posted By: Bobby O
I told her that we both made mistakes and the first thing to do is listen to each other and get counseling.
Let her do the "work". She is not finished cooking yet. If and when it really hits her you will know, this is going to be hard on you to let her fall. But it is neccessary, if you start the reconciliation process too early there will be problems, do not pursue at all.
Resist the temptation to ease her pain......the pain is what drives us to look deep inside.......think about what made you look inside you. If you did not experience that pain you would not have done that self-examination.
Originally Posted By: Bobby O
She admiited to being jealous and that she still loves me. She is afraid that perhaps too much has happened in order for us to reconcile. She told me that it has been difficult for her and the cildren and that my children are angry with me because of these friendships.
What is she afraid of here?????
She is losing you as Plan B.
She is comitting to nothing here, I cannot tell you how many times I heard "too much has happened" from my XW in conjunction with being nice and friendly. IMO, your W is trying to get you to end the R with your female friend but your W doesn't want to commit to you either.
Tread carefully my friend......sit and a wait, watch and listen, only validate her feelings and keep your opinions of what happened and what you want to yourself.
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Missherlove I do appreciate your comments and agree with you. My wife walked away from me and refused to try to work things out and get help. My wife has always feared what people think. She is a private person and does not like to discuss things regarding our personal lives.She has always worried about what people think of her. In truth, I have never heard a bad comment about her from friends and family. I on the other hand do talk to people and since I could not get through to her I needed to speak to family and friends. My wife has to figure it out. She must see that all of the problems were not just mine. This separation has been going on for a very long time. I got tired of being alone and ignored and not felt loved. My wife made a comment that perhaps she should start dating and having an affair. Quite honestly she told me multiple times over the last two years and longer to understand we were separated and no longer married. I have been devastated by all this that has gone on. She calls constantly now and always says the same thing that too much has happened and she could not face people. Quite frankly, my family and friends have always loved and respected my wife.They would like nothing more than for us to be together. I would take my wife back but only if she and I entered individual counseling and then couple counseling. I will wait and listen and see what happens. Thanks. Bobby O
I had a chance to see my son yesterday and he wanted to make sure that his mother and I would be civil to one another at his wedding. I told Brian I would do that for him. His mother keeps sending texts and calling me. She is angry because she can no longer control me and she I believe realizes she has made some huge mistakes by not trying to work things out. I also believe she sees that life is hard on the outside. Her biggest complaint when she calls was about my working so much and not being there emotionally for her. I have changed jobs and now work every other week and all day hours now with no swing shifts. The key that I have learned is to listen and hear what is going on and not blow stuff off. I believe my wife got tired of talking and when she remained silent I assumed all was well. What a mistake that was. I do not know if we will be able to mend the fence because so much has happened. By going dark I learned a lot about me and how I may have done things differently in my life. We have been separated for six months now but my wife had dropped the bomb in September 09. Will see what happens. Bobby O
Now that you know better, you can do better. You have the tools now that you didn't before. That is one of the gifts in all of this. Do not forget the lessons of the past but do not hold on to the guilt of it going forward.
Your W is not done yet. There is more for her to face and work through, just as there is for you.
Another one of the gifts is time. You have time to make sure you do what is the best thing to do for you.
Go to you son's wedding and show all the best of Bobby!
Thank you seeking answers. I appreciate your insight into my problem. I have remained dark but keep in contact with my children. My youngest daughter wanted to know if I went out with my female friend and I told her it was none of her concern. She said mom knows you are. My wife left a voice message asking where I was and whether I was with my female friends. It is bothering her which hopefully will allow her to look at the problems and get help. My sister-in-law states she thinks it is good this happened because she thinks this will draw her sister to me. Will see what happens. Bobby O
I have had multiple phone calls from my wife about where the relationship went wrong. I have listened to every word. When it comes time to respond nicely and civil she is constantly hanging up on me refusing to hear what I have to say. This is frustrating me to no end.I dont know how to handle this. Bobby O
Have a conversation at the beginning about what she is wanting from you. If it is just a listening ear, then be that (if you want to).
No matter how "nicely" you want to respond, it may come across wrong. She may just want validation.
The better you validate, the more you can respond and her not get defensive.
But bottom line, if you are good at validation and she is still hanging up on you, you need to set a boundary. "W, I am happy to listen to you. You have a perspective on all this that I am very interested in. I will ask you though to stop hanging up on me. If you want to end the conversation, thank me for listening and then hang up".
Teach her how to treat you. (and be prepared for her to not get this the first 5-6 times. Probably will take 10.lol)
Well there have been some new developments since my last post. My wife has been texting and calling me. I believe she is hurt that I had a lady friend. She told me that she loves me but feels I have thrown her under the bus to family and friends. She also wants me to admit to an affair which never happened many years ago. She sais I would need to admit to this prior to counseling. My position is that I will not admit to something I did not do. I would enter counseling but she wont unless I admit to something I did not do. I have a call out to a counselor and see what is advised. Bobby o
