......are these itty bitty baby steps?

[goodattitudegirl]

Thank you MHL, Cas, Mila, and Rabbit for checking in. Sorry I haven’t been able to respond to your posts from the last several days until now. I have been GAL’ing and taking care of things around the house. CHB, I replied to you on your thread.

Updating………We got about 17 inches of snow on Sunday and Monday. (Blech on steroids!!!!!) The residential streets are difficult to negotiate. My car got stuck on the way to work Monday and I wasn’t alone. Cas, I wish I could ship you some of this stuff. We are having the 2nd snowiest winter ever when comparing total snowfall data for February 22nd and we still have one more month to go. The relentless snow and my financial concerns about some big repair projects around the house, along with Mr. GAG’s temper tantrum, has had me in a funk for the past several days or so. Starting to climb out of the funk now. ……….On the positive side, the arborist and his crew started working on my patio tree today and they’re doing an amazing job!!!!!!!! That makes me feel a lot better about spending several 1000 dollars on this project. They cut out all the dead branches and thinned out the upper canopy. There are 3 big piles of branches out by the street, but surprisingly the tree doesn’t look much different. Seeing this makes me happy that I decided to save the tree. When the wind is blowing hard outside now I won’t worry like I have been. If the tree had fallen, it could have destroyed a good part of my house.

No TT game this week because XH is traveling to a national conference today. I’m kind of glad. I need some time to regroup after feeling down the past few days. A little time apart should make our interaction next week more fun.

I love the interactions you are having and while the time factor might be frustrating for you, the pace seems to be about right.

MHL, I agree that this pace is probably right if there is going to be a chance of lasting changes. I think that XH is doing some processing, I just don’t have much opportunity to see what it is that he is processing. Just get glimpses now and then.

My only suggestion here is to keep things in the present tense....."You give" instead of "You gave" "You are" instead of "You were" "I like" instead of "I liked" see the difference??? You like it NOW and want more of it NOW. Remember you are building a NEW relationship, use the knowledge of the "old" R to build the "new" R........By bringing up the old R you potentially risk triggering a bad memory for Mr. GAG, and you do not want that.

I REALLY like this feedback!!!!! Excellent suggestion. Thanks for pointing this out.

You can't make him think something or make him see things your way.....and that is what you are doing. You come across controlling, weak, afraid, etc. If he asks what you think about BMF then tell him how YOU "feel".......personally I would not even do it then………………… GAG, this is where your "work" lies. just sayin'

MHL, I hope that you know that I respect you and value your feedback enormously. I welcome your 2 x 4’s because they help me to see things from others’ perspectives. Your comment that “this is where your “work” lies” resonated with me and I have been thinking about this. On the one hand, I will politely beg to differ a bit about the impact of what I said to XH about BMF. I think that if I had said “BMF won’t take care of you in your old age even though you have been a loyal friend to him for 30 years”, that would have been antagonistic and counterproductive. I would argue that my statement “BMF will take care of you, won’t he?” is actually a positive statement (it was stated in a positive, not sarcastic, manner) and if BMF wasn’t so self-centered, there would have been no question that it was an affirmative statement……….that said, your comments have helped me to realize that If there is to be a chance that things could work out between XH and me, I need to somehow resolve my feelings about BMF. I know that XH already feels as though he is stuck between BMF and BMF’s XW. That can’t be much fun for him. He doesn’t need to feel that from me too. Probably the best approach is to let that drama play out between BMF and his XW, and to let BMF trash talk me to XH while I do my best to stay above the fray………Thanks for this feedback MHL!

The fact that he is coming to the house is a huge step based on what you have told us previously........for your XH, the house is the "scene of the crime", he may get there and not feel comfortable.

I think you may be right about this. XH hasn’t really been coming to the house since we began reconnecting last summer. Prior to that, XH would come into the house when he brought X-SIL to visit. The last 2 times, he has dropped her off and run away. It IS almost as if “going public” about our interactions makes him nervous……..although he DID invite me to X-MIL’s birthday party when BMF was there………

I'm not surprised that Mr. GAG did not come to the door; this is not his normal pattern and as a 'first' he would probably need to do that alone. Being with his sister and coming to the house would likely give an impression of contact between you and he's probably just getting used to the idea himself let alone giving this information away to someone else. I think Mr GAG is doing this reconnecting stuff on his own terms and in his time.

Cas, this ^^^^^^ was an interesting perspective. XH is not shy in the least,……….but reconnecting would be much different than the superficial types of Rs he has.

MHL, your menu sounds interesting…….around here some folks eat dried whitefish soaked in lye (it’s Scandinavian) so grits sound exotic. A cooking thread sounds interesting. I’d LOVE to get Mila’s recipe for chocolate mousse cake!!!!!!! (Mila, please…..pretty, pretty, please??????)

Cas, yes, I think the word “peacefulness” is a good descriptor. Interesting that you can sense this through the written word.

GAG - I marvel at your patience in all of this. You are not only patient, but analytical, methodical and persistent....and you have done some amazing work rebuilding your relationship with XH. It's all a result of your efforts...it wouldn't happen on it's own...

Mila, thank you VERY much for your positive affirmations. This is such a long process and we are going against the flow in our choice to stand, so when positive feedback comes my way, it really means a lot! Thank you! Thank you too CW (Hugs to you both.)

I wonder if H feels uptight about you and his sister catching up, thinking that perhaps he is topic of conversation??

Yes, now that I’ve seen two temper tantrums following 2 lunches with X-SIL I think that you are probably correct in your assessment. When X-SIL and I met for 3 hours he must have assumed that we were talking about more than just pleasantries. XH and I have always been very good about communicating timetables, so I think the miscommunication was probably X-SIL's mistake and X-SIL got an up-close view of XH's temper tantrum. Wonder if she talked to him about that? I think you, CW, Mila, and Rabbit are right about this. Mila, thanks for the comment about “sibling rivalry”. Nuff said. I have 2 siblings myself.

…. on drive home it became apparent Mr Rabbit was squirming with his decision, did I try and alter it NO! Kissed him quick, wished him a safe journey and hopped out of car quick.
Left Mr Rabbit wanting to be there with me even more lol!.... Occasionally it doesnt hurt………… On the other hand now Mr Rabbit is insitu, I always jump up and greet him at the door for a kiss, and also make him feel welcomed home.

Rabbit, I always appreciate your practical advice and real life examples. I’m glad that XH is out of town this week. His trip gives us some space. I had begun to feel pooped from the extra work of DB’ing. This has given me a chance to relax and take care of myself. I’m feeling much better after my day off work today. I am thinking that even though Mr. GAG is still in the tunnel (as evidenced by his temper tantrum), he has been behaving more like his old self more of the time and that is a good thing.

Thank you all.

GAG