You've mentioned buying more time to DB, but you haven't said your plan of action. DBing is not just sitting around hoping she'll end her affair or that something is said that gets through to her. It's true that you can't control her, but hopefully, you can be a huge influence.
From what you've posted, I see where your W is angry b/c you "let it come to this", which means (IMHO) at one time she saw you as the leader over the family & marriage. Other things she's said seems that she wanted you to protect her (take care of her) emotionally. But you didn't see it....and let her down.
She doesn't love OM. She was bored in the MR, and mad at you. OM just gave her a "what if" fantasy that quickly became an addiction.
She probably wondered what it would take to stir you up, especially if you've be rather passive over the years. She has zero respect for OM. When a woman tells you how she wiped her feet all over a man.....rest assured, she doesn't want that man for her H. Sooner or later, she will test him to see if she can step on him like she did in the past. But you don't need to tell her what she feels or doesn't feel....she will have to figure it out.
She is using OM, trying to fill a fantasy....but when she starts to see him as he really is, she'll remember why she use to treat him so badly. But oh those feel-good chemicals she's received. That's really what she wants to continue. She thinks this is what it's going to take to make her happy!
You, in the meantime, are just rolling in whatever direction she pushes you. Thank goodness you decided to speak up for the kids! (Just to know she could sit there and tell that little 4 yr old son and the 7 yr old daughter that mommy was leaving them soon.....paints a keen picture of what her priorities are like.
I think she longs for a man who she can't push around. She wants a man who will show his emotional/mental strength. A woman wants to feel she can lean on her H to take care of the problems, her children, and of her. She doesn't want to hear a bunch of words from you, but she wants to see self-confidence in you. You said she noticed your 180's. Which ones did she comment on?
A woman doesn't respect her H, when she can cheat with OM. She lost respect before she cheated. She needs to see a lot from you in the next few months, b/c I doubt she will be ready to give up her addiction in that short time. So, what can you do that would cause her to respect you?
Not allowing her to take advantage of a situation or of you. Not caving to make her "single life" more pleasant and certainly not providing anything to enable her A.
Don't allow her to talk disrespectful to you in front of your children. You are a role model for both your S and your D, and they are going to be watching daddy to see what the man's role is suppose to be.
A WAW who is in an A doesn't respect a man who won't control his emotions. If you have to cry, then leave the house or go into the bathroom and bury your face in some towells. A WAW in an A has a certain coldness and that's why you cannot allow yourself to show weakness around her.
The subject of boundaries has already been mentioned. In order to have boundaries, you need to be able to identify them. Know what you want. Be prepared to have them tested. Know what the consequences will be if broken. This is not something I have read in the DR book, but I have been a WAW in an A.
You can be a nice guy without being a passive one. I believe a WAW in an A hates passivity so badly that it causes her to act out even more bad behavior b/c in her heart she wants to see what it would take for her H to stand up to her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
