H takes all the blame - why?

[angel61]

Hi all, thank you so much for all the encouraging posts. I did not have time to check as both me and D12 had some crisis in the past two days.

On Monday, H arrived from vacation and ws in a bad mood. I kept away, but by evening, was so high strung I ended up having a panic attack. I did not talk too much with him on why and told him it will pass, but he was very concerned,

next day, H called me throughout the day, and finally was convinced that I was feeling more stable. By the time he came home, he was cheerful, in a rush to pack for his two week trip, but chatty and seemingly happy, did last minute groceries, took out garbage, cooked for D12, and did all our bills. I felt comfortable, and helped him pack, all the while with light convo.

At bedtime, D12 comes over and asks me to sleep with her.
She then started crying, then blurted that she was so worried for mommy and daddy. She was afraid that "mommy is going to lose it, go crazy" because of the problems. She also said that our family did not feel like one anymore as we did not do things together (we do, but I think she sees the one sided interaction)

I felt my stomach sinking. D12 has a history of anxiety, manifested by not eating. It took 6 mos. of therapy last episode to get over it, where she became so painfully thin, and she was just 7 years old then. Since yesterday, I noticed that D12 has not been eating well again, and I had the feeling that she was headed for this.

I called in my H, told him about the situation. Although I felt like screaming at him, all I told him was to reassure her if he could, and that he is hurting her. I felt so bad for D12 that I could not even cry, and for a moment felt like just hitting H.

They talked, and afterwards he told me that he explained to her that sometimes, in a persons life, a crisis comes up where they beocme confused and lost, and thats where he is now. He tried to explain his MLC to her, I guess. he also tried to reassure her, saying that he was planning family trips and outings.

H then had to leave early this AM. He told me that he will make sure to contact us as much as he could, and asked me to be strong for our daughter.

When D12 woke up, she was still trembly and fearful. It took all my control not to cry, and I decided to just say anything at this point, out of desperation, to comfort her. I said that she should not worry, we were not heading for a D, and that we will try to work on our M. It seemed to work this time for D as she started slowly coming around, and by lunchtime, was eating a little.

H called during a stopover, and told him about my reassurances to D12 and he actually agreed. He said to just keep things as stable as possible till he arrives, and that we'll just deal with other problems later.

He called 4x total during his stopover, twice to just let me know how the lounge was like, and how he plane's business class (he got upgraded) was like. He also talked once to D12 to chat lightly. I felt some warmth emanating from the conversations, a touch of concern and caring. He also admonished me to take care of myself.

So right now, I feel like I am in a kind of twilight zone. Everything is so surreal, unnatural. I don't even know how I feel anymore. My world is literally falling apart but the pieces seem to be moving and gathering life of its own. Where it is headed, I do not know.